First Hurdle

First off, I’m so sorry!  It is so hard to find some private time to write!  Being in a cubical basically makes everything public and Jon is finished with school now, so I have no more time alone.  The really crappy part about it is I actually have quite a few things I want to talk about.  I’ve had quite a bit on my mind.

I’m not sure when I wrote last (sorry!) so I’ll just summarize a bit.  In thinking about my abandonment issues, it always bugged me that it was my mom and not my dad because I tried harder to be important to him than her.  After thinking about that for several days, it hit me.  When mom went to work, she wasn’t there to make dad act a certain way with us kids.  So she left, but tried to keep up with loving us.  My dad just stopped whatever he was doing and all three of us suffered (my sisters and me).  Mom left, but dad stopped giving us what we needed to not feel abandoned.

Once I had that amazing break through, it took a couple weeks, but I got a second one.  Despite how my dad looks or acts or anything else, he loved us the way he knew how.  It wasn’t what we needed in order to blossom and thrive, but it was enough to keep us plugging along.  There was a guy in my meeting though, that talked about his kids and how he regrets things he said.  I made me think of dad.  It dawned on me that he probably knew exactly what was going on and what he was doing, but he was powerless to stop it.  He’s probably expressed regret and wished he could fix it.  He’s probably even had a few conversations with God about it.  Before this guy spoke in my meeting, I’d NEVER thought of dad doing that.  This guy was the last one that spoke and once he finished and all this hit me, I just started bawling.  I went over, gave him a hug, and thanked him for adding a perspective I’d never considered.  I don’t know why, but it helps me a lot thinking my dad has regrets.

Well, so at last night’s meeting, I shared all of this.  And once again, while the last person was talking, I felt that I needed to text my dad and tell him that I appreciate him, that I love him, and that I’m sorry if I’ve ever taken him for granted.  And I told him I was glad he was my dad.  He wrote back and said, “Thanks, that’s nice to hear.”  I’m glad I followed through with that thought. :)

I’m working on new stuff.  I think my journey to undo my co-dependency is basically done.  I’ll never be “cured” because that’s impossible, but I can no identify when I’m doing it and I know how to stop it and change my behaviors.  Now, I’m working on the weight loss.  I feel like I’m in a race with hurdles and I’ve just finished clearing the first one… hopefully the second one won’t be too high.

B

Being imperfect is what makes me perfect.

Guess what I just realized, I don't have to be perfect. All I have to do is be perfect in my imperfection. It never fails though, when I'm not "perfect" I get this horrible sinking feeling. I think I actually feel like people will get rid of me because I'm not perfect. Since the trouble at work a few weeks ago, I've had all sorts of nightmares about being fired, even though nothing more was said about it. Ever. Not once.

Today I got talked to for being too loud. Apparently there have been complaints from all departments, not just the ones near me.

I don't understand why I do that, why do I hold myself to a standard of perfection? Maybe when I was a kid, I thought if I was perfect, I'd get love. It never worked though, so I don't know why I did it. Something to ponder, I guess.

I need to realize that I'm not perfect, and it's okay that I'm not. I'm not less of a person if I do something wrong. It just means I am a person, like everyone else. I do feel like since we've gotten here, all I've done is mess up. I feel like I'm not good enough. I know it's stupid and I know this place only gives feedback when it's bad (very rarely is it given when you've done well). So if they don't say anything, that means they're happy with me (again… still?). I need to retire.

On another note, my meeting on Sunday was good. I finally realized that I ate because it was my "bad behavior" like smoking was for my sister or playing insane was for my other sister. I got attention for it, so I kept it up. Then it became a habit and I forgot what started it. Then I became this… me. I still find myself thinking all my problems would be solved if I could just lose this weight, so I know I'm not ready to start yet. I know things won't be solved just for losing weight, so I am definitely not ready yet. My journey is slow, but I'm going steady, so hopefully it'll come to an end sooner than later. :)

B

Irony isn’t always funny!

That thing last week, where my supervisor talked with me, it's hit me really hard. I'm STILL preoccupied with it. All I keep thinking about it how I wasn't perfect. Then I think about how I'm not expected to be perfect and neither the Corporate Officer nor my Supervisor have thought about this incident again. And here I am killing myself over it. Why do I do that? I feel like any moment my supervisor is going to come over, ask me to his office, and he'll fire me. Over what? Two cells in Excel that updated and I forgot to verify them? No, that's stupid. And yet here I am, fretting over just such a scenario. I'm ridiculous. I've done MUCH worse (unintentionally) and I still have my job. Why am I being so silly about this?

I took a moment and said a prayer about it. I'm better now. I'll move on to bigger and brighter things. :) I was thinking Saturday about the irony in my life. Somehow I've associated importance and lovability of myself to my ability to attract and be intimate with the opposite sex. The great irony of it all is that Heavenly Father gave me a husband that intimacy is not high on his priority list. I am forever feeling worthless and unloved by Jon, yet I know that's not the case.

The new thing I'm trying to figure out now is how being "abandoned" by my mom made my pea-brain decide that sex and intimacy with a man is the only thing that can and does make me feel loved and wanted. The thing is, I know both my sister's do this too, but do you think either one of them would admit as much? Insert sardonic laugh here.

Last night in my group, I started my sharing portion with, "I am compulsive, emotional over-eater, and my trigger is anxiety." It felt really weird admitting that to a roomful of people. But it felt somewhat good too, because I wasn't hiding there. I hide everywhere else I go, even home and work, but I didn't hide there.

After all, the first step to recovery is actually admitting, out loud to others, that you have a problem.

B

Step one WAS the hardest...

Darn, it's been a while!  I told you it may not be very frequent any more. :(  So today was a 1st that used to be a common occurrence.  I felt like a total and complete moron.  Too stupid to even figure out how to breathe.  I made a common error on a spreadsheet that ANYONE could make, but I was called out on it by one of the Corporate Officers.  Then, of course, my supervisor had to "talk to me" about the error.  He didn't really come down on me or anything, but he said, "Haste is Waste."  Basically slow down.  The thing is, I had the formula in these three cells correct, but I must have fixed a formula in a cell higher up and the table I had formatted did a column auto-fill and overrode my original formula.  That would have been fine, but those three cells needed to be different than the rest in that column.  And I should have verified my work before sending it on to the Corporate Officer.

THEN, when that had finally gotten fixed and settled down (and I had mostly gotten over my feelings of moronishness), my supervisor came in and told me that one of my office decorations would be considered "clutter" by the CEO and I would need to take it down.  So I felt stupid already for the above issue, then I felt even more stupid for not knowing my decoration was clutterish. 

Basically, I had a rough day today.

Sunday I went to my first meeting for the Over-eaters anonymous thing.  I think it's going to be a while before I see results.  It's not going to be as easy as the codependent thing was because I am not ready to tackle this the way I tackled that.  I find myself avoiding thinking about my experience that started all of this... and I find myself avoiding any thought about what has gone on and continued to go on that has contributed to my continuing of compulsive eating.  I need to go get a physical book to work on, having a downloaded copy is good and all, but I think for this time around, I need something I can touch, hold, and stare at when I am exercising my right of avoidance. :)

Right now I feel like good and evil are battling it out inside of me.  I want to fix this, I want to work on it and get rid of my issues, but at the same time, it's easy and comfortable to stay where I'm at and to not exude any effort into overcoming my issues.

One of the ladies on Sunday put it perfectly, I'm so afraid of being rejected that I put on this weight and kept it on, but now, I'm so afraid of being rejected when I'm skinny, that I'm willing to risk keeping on the weight.  Right now if I'm rejected it's because I'm fat.  But if I'm skinny and rejected... that means it's me that people don't like; not just the way I look.

I hate that I understand that and yet I feel powerless to apply it.  This is definitely going to be a long hard journey.  At least I've done this; I've admitted out loud, to other people, that I compulsively/emotionally over-eat and I can no longer manage this on my own.  My life has become unmanageable in regards to this and I need help.

One step at a time, right? :)

B

On any journey, the first step is the hardest.

I've been reading that book, "Fat is a Family Affair" and I've read some really interesting stuff. I've made notes, but unfortunately, left them at home. It strongly urges readers to go to an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting and utilize the stuff there. Well, I looked into it and it just so happens my church offers one, locally, at 7:15pm Sunday's. I made plans to go Sunday, but didn't quite make it. I have the panicky feeling I had when I started in on my resentment list. Like I'll lose who I am if I go. Same with the resentment list, I'm telling myself to stop being ridiculous and just get it over with… but I'm so scared.

I'd never admit that to anyone, but it's somewhat "safe" to admit it on my Blog, after all, I don't know who is reading this or if I even know them. By getting the scared feeling though, I know it's where I'm supposed to go. I find myself clinging to stupid excuses though. I don't have the book. Yeah, well, it's online and I have a digital copy. Next excuse, please. :) You get the idea.

I find myself wanting to find someone to go with, but the downside of that is whomever I take gets to know all the crap that happened to turn me into an over-eater in the first place. The other thing I'm nervous about is that it's a men and women meeting, not women only. I just need to get over myself and go. I told my husband last night that I was going to start going to that one along with the one I've been going to on Tuesday. Guess I need to just suck it up and do it this week. The sooner I start, the sooner it's over, right?

On a side note, my office is moving, and that's where I've composed most of my postings. I'm not going to have my very own office anymore, we're moving to cubicles. I may not be able to write how I have been. I'm going to have to start writing from home… but who knows, maybe I'll still be able to post from work! That's why I've had fewer posts lately, we've been packing up, having meetings about packing up, and helping get everything ready.

I'm really scared about Sunday. I'm still me, regardless of the outer package. Right?

B

What’s love got to do with it?

After all this work I've put in, I think I've managed to clear up all my "issues" except one. The one where I feel like no one loves me. How does one go about feeling loved? I obviously don't know how to feel loved, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for me. I try playing around with Jon and he just yells at me for tickling him or scaring him. Just now as I wrote that, I realized, that's an awfully like how a 10 year-old would try to get love… and guess how old I was when I lost this particular talent.

I guess now, my challenge is to figure out how to feel loved as a 35 year-old. Maybe it'll help to list out the things I need in order to feel loved? Maybe I'll see something in the list that I haven't seen before now. So, 1. Be considered and thought of. 2. Get paid attention to. 3. The little things that show I've been thought of; a card, flowers, or perhaps a clean kitchen.

I'm sure there's more, but the one thing I keep thinking is: this is all stuff I depend on someone else to do to make me feel loved. How do I provide that for myself? How do I stop from depending on others for my love value? I think if I can figure this one out, I'll become a millionaire! :) Seriously though, how do I stop feeling ridiculous, embarrassed, and alone when Jon rejects the way I'm trying to get him to love me. I can't even think about touching him without him yelling about how it tickles and how I'm torturing him. You know, now that I think about it this way, the lack of physical touch in our relationship has really hindered the growth of our love. In my case, I feel like it's dying, not maintaining or growing. I really can't touch Jon anywhere. If I try rubbing his bum, he gets mad at me. If I rub his sides, he gets mad at me. If I rub his back, but get too close to the sides; he gets mad at me. If I rub his leg, he gets mad at me. He's ticklish EVERYWHERE and I honestly can't touch him without him getting upset with me. I've pointed out that I just can't touch him, but he whines at me that I can. The truth is though, if I could, I'd have found it by now.

The thing is, without touch, it's harder to show him how I feel, but I manage it with little things. He's not compensated in any other areas though. He says he has, but it's that kind of trying that is just enough that you can't say he HASN'T tried, but it's not enough to actually make a difference.

We celebrated our three year anniversary last week and had a pretty good talk at our celebratory dinner. We just talked about the first time we met, online and in person, and all the things we thought and felt. Jon said this awakened something in him he didn't realize was dead and he has a renewed interest in us. He's going to work on forgiving himself for things he's done to me that he still feels guilty about. I'm almost afraid to hope. Maybe this is the turnaround we need.

B

Facing my fear

A couple things. First, I was the only one in my group meeting last night. This is the second week in a row. I haven't decided yet if I like it or hate it, but it is interesting to be alone. Second, I couldn't sleep last night. I had a nice hour forty-five nap from 10:30-12:15, then I was awake until about 4:30, slept till 6:00, was up to potty, back to sleep, and up with my alarm at 6:45. Boo. :(

During my wakeful period, I had time to contemplate things I've been avoiding. How much will it cost to fix the car? Did the software update on my tablet fix my Bluetooth connectivity issues? Why am I avoiding this new book that I have? Now, if you're a betting person, I'll bet you can figure out which one I'm going to talk about. ;)

This new book. I've started it, stopped it, started it, stopped it… and until last night I never thought of it again. Well, last night, the situation reminded me of when I avoided doing my resentment list. I realized that I truly believe this book can and will help me. And that scares the poop out of me! It was different with the resentment list, because that created a "hole" no one else could see. But if this book fixes me and I lose my "fat blanket," then what? It's mildly terrifying to think of facing the world without any protection, so to speak.

So tonight, armed with a pencil, highlighters, and a notebook, I'm going to start reading the book again. And I'm not going to stop until it's done. This facing-my-fears thing sucks. It's really hard, but I will do this.

B

And the truth shall set you free…

On Friday, my husband told me his college class was canceled. I was busy helping my mom with my dad so I didn't really pay attention to it. But his explanation put me off a little at the time. Well, when I came to work yesterday, I finally had a moment to think about it. Years ago, because of stuff he and I went through, I made him give me the passwords to all his stuff. I logged into his email yesterday afternoon because his instructor always emails Jon when class is canceled. I found the email, but it was FROM Jon TO the teacher. Jon told him his mouth was still hurting and that he was going to be missing class again.

I had the conversation with Jon on Thursday regarding my new boundary with lies. He did this Friday. I texted him and asked him if school had really be canceled or if he'd just not gone. He said it was canceled. I asked if he missed class because his teacher canceled it or if he missed because of his tooth. He finally came back and said it was because of his tooth. I said, "So you lied." He said yes. I said okay and left it at that.

I sat at work and agonized over what to do. I had been so adamant about the boundary when I put it up – how would it make me look if I didn't uphold it? I got home, he was watching TV before he left for school. I went back into the bedroom and changed. When I came out, I said, "I don't want to do this, but I was 100% clear with you what would happen if you lied. So I was wondering what all you want me to leave on the couch for you tonight."

He got mad at me. Started making excuses. When that didn't work, he started accusing me of stuff. When that didn't work, he shut down and left. I told him to have a good class and that I loved him, he said bye and shut the door. I felt horrible all evening. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't put up with this treatment either. He called me around 9:30 on a break and he actually talked to me. We talked about the night apart and how he has to own his mistakes and take the consequences. Making excuses are for kids trying to get out of trouble, not adults dealing with their poor decision. I told him that this lie was worse because he knew what was going to happen, but he took the risk that I wouldn't find out. So not only did he lie, but he withheld the truth, AND he forced me to lie to my parents because I thought it was truth.

I cleaned up the living room for him. I folded his blanket, took his pillows out, and got him some sleeping pills because I knew he'd have a hard time sleeping without me. Then the dogs and I went into the bedroom and didn't emerge until this morning. I slept horribly. Tossed and turned all night. Jon said he slept horribly too. I'm glad I stuck to my guns because now he knows I mean business. This morning he told me he was going to try his hardest to always be honest with me. I think this was him testing me to see if I'd deliver the consequences I said I would. It was so hard to follow through, but I think in the long run, it'll be best for our marriage. I just hope he doesn't lie to me again…

B

Singing the Blues

Once again, I have an issue from over the weekend. And once again I'll write/vent about it here. And I'm sure, once again, I'll listen to more sermons online and come up with some awesome lesson I needed to learn. Can't we just skip over everything and get to the lesson? I know we can't, but it would sure be nice. Sometimes I wish I could be done learning things, but then I realize I never will be done. And so, onto the next solution!

My dad had knee surgery last week. He came home from the hospital Friday. I took some time off Friday afternoon to help my mom get him settled. When Jon went to work Saturday, I went back over to play games with him and entertain him somewhat. On Sunday Jon and I went over after church so my mom could go to church. We brought some leftover pot roast with us and we ended up making a yummy stew for dinner and just hung out all day with my folks.

Jon wasn't feeling very well and asked me to drive. Well, all the fun has passed now and we're ready to head home. We get in the car and start driving. Earlier that day I'd changed from mp3's over to the radio because I like to listen to a local station that plays church songs. When we got into the car to head home, the station had switched over to its regular programming, which, at night, just happens to be love songs. So we're driving home and enjoying some Genesis, Journey, and when we're about two blocks from home, Celine Dion's song, "My Heart Will Go On," came on. I LOVE that song! I turned it up and was just belting it out, I was so happy! When we got closer to home I begged Jon to let me drive around a little more until the song was over, because I really wanted to sing it all out. He relented and said yes. HOORAY!!!

I bypassed our street and headed back up the road, singing my little heart out. I glanced over at Jon and he has this horrible sour puss look on his face. I said something like, "Thanks for letting me do this! I know you're not a huge fan of this song." And I kept singing. As I headed back home again, the song wound its way down. During a music only part, I glanced at Jon again to just share the joy of the moment. If it was possible, I think his sour look was even more sour. It just killed my spirit. I sort of mumbled out the last few sentences of the song, then turned the radio down and headed home in relative silence.

Then the fight came. Why did I turn down the music? He hates that song. He wasn't making a sour face. He didn't rain all over my parade. I'm the one starting the fight and yelling at him.

Sure, whatever. We got home, I went to change. When I came out, he said he was sorry. Not the kind of sorry where he means it, but the kind of sorry where he just doesn't want me to be mad at him anymore. I told him it was fine (again!) and told him to just forget about it. He left to go play his video game and I sat on the couch watching TV and wanting to be anywhere but at home with him.

When I went in to go to bed, he apologized again. I asked him if he even understood why it had upset me and he explained it… so I guess he did understand. It still felt not real though. I told him all was forgiven and turned on Candy Crush Saga on my phone. After a minute I said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes. I said, "Why do you start a fight when you know you did the thing that upset me, you knew you were doing it, and you didn't stop and then you take it out on me?" He said he didn't understand the question. So I said, "When I asked if I could sing the song, why did you agree if you knew you hated it, if you knew you'd sit there and be grumpy instead of sharing in my happiness, when you knew you'd just use it to start a fight about something else?"

Do you know what he said? He said, "I wasn't being grumpy." Oh, okay. My mistake. If someone I love is singing a song I can't stand, but they're so into it and they're loving it, I smile at them and sort of dance around, maybe even belting out some of the words, if I know them. But not Jon. He couldn't even let me have 3 minutes and 46 seconds of happiness and joy.

I don't know what he's really irritated about that made him start that fight, but it really worries and scares me that he couldn't put aside his feelings for 5 minutes to let me feel some joy and to perhaps share in that joy with me. It was so great at first, but now I wish that song hadn't come on the radio.

Don't despair. As I said earlier, I'm sure I'll get the answer in a few days. I can't wait for these lessons to be done with.

B

Boundaries

At Tuesday's meeting, the discussion mostly revolved around boundaries and how to get people to stick to them. Also, how hard it is to enforce them when broken. I didn't realize it at the time, but this had really gotten me thinking. Tuesday I took the day off because my husband had a wisdom tooth removed. I stayed home with him and took care of him. Wednesday, I returned to work, thinking he would too, but he decided he hurt too much and that he was going to take another day. Thursday he works 2-8. I came home at 5 to find him sitting on the couch. I asked him if he'd gone to work and he said he tried going in at 1:00, but ended up leaving at 4:00. He was in his jeans, I was kind of suspect, but decided to let it go.

I went into the bedroom to change. We have a long hallway of closet in the master bedroom. There are two half doors and one set of full doors, so three openings. One half door is Jon's, the other is mine. My half door was open. About a month ago, Jon asked me to hide his video games from him so he'd have that time to study instead of goofing off. When I spotted the door, I went back out to the living room and said, "Two things: one, why is my closet door open?" He said, "Uhhh.." I said, "You tried to find your video games, didn't you?" He said yes. I said, "Two, you didn't really go into work, did you?" He said no.

I took a moment to breathe, then I shared with him what my group had talked about on Tuesday. I told him I was sick of his lies and that I'm putting up a clear and unnegotiable boundary. I told him that if he told me a lie, starting after this conversation, he was going to be spending the night not in our bed. I didn't care if it was on the couch, the spare bed in the 2nd bedroom, or on the floor. It just wasn't going to be with me. Then, I said, if he chose to lie to me again and again and again, each night would be spent not with me. After five consecutive nights not spent with me, if he lied the 6th day, he was going to spend a night outside of our home. I didn't care where, friends, family, whatever. Then I told him that if he lied to me the 7th day, we would discuss the parameters of a trial separation.

I made sure he understood what I meant, I made sure he understood I meant business, and THEN I told him that because of his lying, I don't feel like he respects me, I don't trust him, and it's putting a big strain on our marriage. I told him that I didn't deserve to be lied to. And I asked him why, after a couple years of being married, he suddenly decided he couldn't tell me the truth any more. He didn't really have an answer. I think he finally understood how much I despise his lies and that I will not put up with them in our home.

I hate having to put this boundary up. I shouldn't have to demand my spouse be honest with me. Anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I keep praying for him and I keep doing things I think will help him, but then he doesn't seem to make any progress. He's probably progressing, I just don't see it because I'm too close to it. I don't know. I do know that I'm in a different place than him and I'm getting tired of holding my hand out behind me to help him up only to have him pull too hard on it. Do I let go? Or do I clench harder and hope he doesn't get ripped from my grasp?

B

Mind Twister

I think I've mentioned that I've started reading a new book. This one is called, "Fat is a Family Affair". It's quite interesting so far. I've been meaning to sit down and actually act like I'm studying it, but my days have ended up getting away from me. I was reading it last night and came upon a passage that was awesome. Since my book isn't with me, this isn't verbatim, but it's found on page 32. It basically says that once you realize that eating makes you neither good nor bad, but for survival, you'll be able to stop letting it control you. The funny thing is, until I read this, I never realized I labeled food as making ME good or bad. But I do. I even caught myself doing it this morning, EVEN THOUGH I JUST READ ABOUT IT!

I usually have oatmeal for breakfast because I can prepare it at work, I need nothing more than water and a microwave, it'll help with my cholesterol, and I happen to like it. While preparing it today, I caught myself thinking about how good I was being. Then I starting thinking about what the book said. I have a way to liken it unto something. If you've seen the movie The Matrix, there is a scene where a little child tells Neo that he needs to stop trying to bend the spoon, but realize that there is no spoon in order to bend it. THAT'S WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!!! Haha!

I feel like I understand the concept, but at the exact same time, I can't wrap my brain around it. There's food that is "good" and "bad", but whether I eat them or not does not make ME good or bad. It may be a bad choice to eat it, but I am not a bad person if I eat it.

This is one of those concepts I just stare into space and think about. It's such an interesting topic. I'm getting excited though, because I feel like I'm in my next step of recovery. Maybe someday soon I'll be a healthy weight! :)

B

Pride

Interesting topic today. I've been thinking about Jon's outburst on Tuesday and my reaction to it. Even after he apologized Wednesday morning (via text message), I was still hanging onto the hurt. I don't know why I was, maybe I felt validated in doing so. I listened to a church sermon that talked about Christ and his disciples; how He told them that one of them would betray Him. Rather than looking accusingly at one another, they all looked at Christ and asked, "Lord, is it I?" It went on and talked more deeply on the subject, bringing into light the subject of pride and how the disciples were humble by asking about themselves rather than pointing the finger at each other. This got me thinking about pride and being prideful and then it struck me. By denying Jon forgiveness, I was being prideful.

Well, per usual, I Googled the terms to make sure I was being constructive with my train of thought. This is what I got:

pride
noun \ˈprīd\
: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc.

While looking at pride, it showed a synonym of pride that struck me it was:

dis·dain·ful
adjective \-fəl\
: feeling strong dislike or disapproval for something or someone you think does not deserve respect : feeling or showing disdain

Interesting, right? I didn't think he deserved the forgiveness because this was just another grievance in a LONG line of grievances I had in regards to his treatment of me, all his lies, and his lack of interest in the things that are most important to me. Once the thought of being prideful passed through my mind, I could feel my resolve of holding him accountable melt. I'm still having trouble forgiving him, but now I am not withholding that forgiveness to "punish" him for his slight.

My current trouble is that I feel so burnt out. I thought it was work, but I think it's with Jon. I've just tried and tried and tried for so long that I'm struggling now. I heard someone say that, "The fastest way to love someone is to serve them." Service never fails! So I've been praying for opportunities to serve Jon, but it's only been the last 24 hours or so that I've had that on my mind. I really need something to get me back in love with him. I love him, but I'm not so sure I'm in love with him… or if I ever was.

B

Men…

I had this dream Saturday morning right before I woke up. When I woke up, I was so sad I started crying. In my dream, I'd just married someone that wasn't Jon. I was still in my wedding dress and my new husband left me alone for a minute. I got a phone call. It was Jon. He told me that my new husband had left a porno magazine in his hotel room from the night before. I thought, "Oh, no! Not again!!" But to Jon I asked him why he was doing this. I said, "I loved you! Why did you do this to me? Why did you ruin our lives??"

When I woke up, I was missing Jon and grieving for our marriage. I started crying and just had to touch Jon. I reached over and put my hand on his chest. In his sleep he reached up and held my hand. I had some really weird mixed feelings all day, but mostly I felt my love for him. Then Sunday morning happened. We were up watching some church on TV and Jon just wouldn't put down his phone. When I tried to look at what he was doing, he hid the screen and put his phone down. I asked him what he was doing and he lied to me. I told him when he was ready to tell me the truth, I'd be sitting right there. He lied again. Three hours later he decided to come clean with the truth, but the lie had already been told. So all these intense feelings I'd had Saturday sort of crashed down around me. I'm upset with Jon for lying to me and I'm more upset with myself for letting his lies affect my church experience.

I get so tired of his lies and I don't know how to help him. I'd been praying for ways to help him, but then I realized that I needed to pray for the desire to help him because I just get so tired of the same merry-go-round. He's trying and in a lot of ways he's succeeding. I just worry he's going to tell one too many lies and lose me for good. I flip flop from wanting to force him to do better to not even wanting him to touch me. I just want him to be strong enough to do what he has to do.

I'm not sure what this post is doing. I just get so frustrated with Jon… I just want to be loved, already.

B

Child-Like Faith

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just couldn't decide on anything to say. And I was going to post this yesterday, but the day got away from me, so you're getting it today. :)

Tuesday, in my meeting, someone brought up having child-like faith. It got me thinking about what that really means. And if I have it. To start it off, I turned to… you guessed it! Google! Google says Child-Like means:


child·like
/ˈCHīldˌlīk/

adjective
adjective: childlike; adjective: child-like

: resembling or suggesting a child : like that of a child; especially : having or showing the pleasing qualities (such as innocence) that children often have, marked by innocence, trust, and ingenuousness

(of an adult) having good qualities associated with a child.

"she speaks with a childlike directness"

synonyms:

innocent, artless, guileless, unworldly, unsophisticated, naive, ingenuous, trusting, unsuspicious, unwary, credulous, gullible; unaffected, without airs, uninhibited, natural, spontaneous; informal: wet behind the ears

Well, I'm getting better on the innocence part, I need to do better on the trust, but I'm not sure how, and ingenuous… well, I wasn't sure what that meant. It means, "Free from reserve, restraint, or dissimulation; candid; sincere." I am getting better in that area, I speak up much sooner than I used to.

So apparently I'm moving on to a new topic because I just can't get this out of my head. Jon had another bad night at school last night. He comes home and I'm the one that gets yelled at. I'm not complaining about that, because I get it. The point I'm getting to is that I am just so tired of being his rock. I'm sick of being his cheerleader. How do I get back to that place I was where I wasn't worn down by his doubts and I encouraged him to do everything he could think of? Now, when he has a bad day and comes home to rag at me, I just want to tell him to quit. That's what he wants to do anyway, right? I'm tired of holding his hand and guiding him through his emotions. I had to figure out my mine-field, why should it be my job to figure out his too??

I know this is the wrong attitude to have, I should be excited to help him and lift him up. I've been praying…. Wow… I've been praying for the wrong thing. I've been asking for ways for me to help him, but I need to be praying for the desire to help him. The desire to be there for him, to support him, and share in his yoke.

And, now I'm happy I digressed. :) I think it does tie back to child-like faith though. I need to trust in Jon, be unsuspicious, unwary… I wonder if that'll help me get back the love I feel like I've lost for him. Interesting turn this took.

B

Epic-ness is coming!

I owe an apology for my last post. I dwelt on the bad and didn't focus on the good. The other side of my story that I should've shared was that after I'd composed myself in church and managed to stop the crying, it dawned on me that I'd allowed myself to feel my feelings. Right there on the spot. I felt it, I dealt with it, and I let it go. Score one point for team Becki! Someday I'll learn to let it go sooner than I did Sunday, but I think just allowing myself to feel it in the moment was awesome! It wasn't so long ago that I'd have stuffed it down and held onto it and used it as ammo in my, "I'm worthless" campaign.

So… tonight's the night! I'm going over to my parents' house and asking my dad to read that book because I think it'll help him. It's funny, every now and again I get excited butterflies, but I haven't yet gotten nervous ones.

Religious people do this thing called "Fasting." If you don't know what that is, it's where you sacrifice food and water for a period of time (usually not longer than 24 hours) to become more Spiritually clear on things you've been praying about. I have a medical condition that makes it virtually impossible to fast, so I haven't fasted in years. I wanted to Spiritual clarity that comes from it though, so I've opted to fast from my phone, rather than food. I'm not glued to my phone like a lot of people are, but I use it enough to need to charge it every few hours. I was just going to leave it home, but I decided to bring it with me because of the mind set of people nowadays. Perhaps if they couldn't have gotten a hold of me on my mobile phone they'd start panicking and thinking something bad happened. So I brought it with me *just* so I can answer any phone calls that may come in. But it's in my desk drawer and I haven't touched it.

I plan on listening to past sermons/talks all day, listening to hymns, and praying for inspiration whenever possible. This is going to be epic, I can feel it.

B

This over-eating thing…

I got my hair cut on Saturday. I don't mean a little trim or anything, the sides were cut at least three inches and the back I stacked, so it took off almost six inches back there. Jon came home and told me it was cute and that he liked it. I was so excited to get up and style it the next day for church. Got to church and not one person noticed. A lot of them had seen me the day before prior to getting my hair cut and no one mentioned a thing. Then, Jon had a guy from church ask if he could help with something after church and Jon tried to get out of it. I stupidly opened my mouth and said he had time around 1:00 to do it. I should've just sat there and pretended I wasn't listening. Jon ended up yelling at me after the guy left and I ended up beating myself up for trying to control him.

The thing is, this is something he needs to do to help his faith grow… I just want him to be spiritually happy. So right there in the middle of church, I end up crying. I bowed my head and prayed while listening to the hymns so it would just look like I was really moved spiritually, but it really hurt my feelings that Jon would get mad at me for looking out for his wellbeing. I told him at the time that I was sorry and I'd stay out of it next time. He kept a hold of the anger for a couple hours and we ended up getting into it again outside a restaurant we were meeting some family at. That one started because he did something in traffic that scared me and I spoke up. That gets him riled up faster than anything else because he claims I don't trust him to drive the car. The thing is (as I told him) if ANYONE did anything to scare me in traffic, I'd speak up! My mom tried to lane change the other day right into another car and I told her to wait. I'm going to speak up! I don't want anyone to be in an accident or worse, get hurt.

During this second talk he ended up apologizing and saying some other things, so the day wasn't completely ruined. I just get sick of him yelling at me when I'm trying to help.

To top it off, I ended up overeating yesterday (shocker), so today I'm even more upset with myself because I can't even control that stupid tiny part of my life. When I feel myself get the munchies, I need my first reaction to be a prayer, not to peruse the refrigerator contents. I'll get this down, I know I will. I just need to re-train myself, I guess. I think I turn to food as part of my numbing process. Or maybe it's for the distraction that a painfully full tummy provides. Either way, I need to figure something out.

I just ordered a book called, "Fat is a Family Affair." We'll see what it has to say!

B

It’s good for them?

I've decided that I have got to get my family to read this book. I've been wondering how to accomplish that for a week or so now. This morning it just came to me. My older sister has always tried to "understand" me because I'm different than her and my younger sister. The difference, that I see now, is that in the codependent world, I am the caregiver and my dad and my siblings are the "alcoholics." I think my mom is also a caregiver, but I think it's a role she was forced into, not one she was raised in.

I was thinking, in the spirit of trying to "understand" me, I could suggest they read this book. Hopefully when they read it, they'll start looking for me in the pages and end up seeing themselves.

I just had a thought though… by doing it this way, am I trying to control them? The thing is, if they aren't in the stage of their life that they're receptive to this, they won't want to read it. If I don't tell them it's for me, they won't read it… I mostly think of my dad. His dad was horrible and I really think he'd benefit by reading this book, but it'll make him get into his feelings and so he won't read it unless he thinks he's doing it to help me.

GAH! I don't know what to do now! I thought I was all clever this morning, but now I just wonder if I'm controlling and manipulating. :( Maybe I'll call my mom…

B

**Update**

So after talking with my mom, I kept getting the feeling that I need to sit down with my dad and basically have a heart to heart.  A year ago, this would have freaked me out, but now?  I feel so calm and open and... backed by Heavenly Father.  I think this is what He wants me to do and I am once again so very grateful for these past steps in my life that I am in a place that He can work through me.

My parents will be home next Tuesday, Wednesday night I'm going to go visit.  I'll worry about my sisters later, right now, it's all about my dad.

B

Feelings

This book I'm reading, it keeps making me think. I guess that's a good thing, right? :) The last couple chapters kind of go hand in hand. In one, they talk about how everyone is always in one stage or another of the grieving process. I thought that was super interesting. They said whether the "loss" was small or big, the grieving process is there. Sometimes it lasts five minutes and sometimes it lasts years, just depends on the loss we're dealing with. Then the chapter after that is titled, Feel your feelings.  Simple, right? Ha! I laugh at your simple!

Back to the grief stages. In the book it says that when codependents have feelings they don't know what to do with, they push them down. Make themselves numb. I can't tell you how many times, usually over a boy, that I repeated to myself over and over and over, "Don't feel, just don't feel. Stop feeling, just don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel." Now, I haven't done that in a few years, but I HAVE caught myself doing the numb thing, as recently as Sunday!

When we stop trying to feel, we're in denial… stage one. The author says that everyone goes through these phases. The difference is, as a co-dependent, we don't feel the feelings. Thus we're always stuck in the same stage(s) and never moving forward. If you allow yourself to feel the hurt, recognize it, feel it, and file it away (don't push it down and numb it! FILE it away as felt and dealt with), THEN you can move onto the next stage.

I found this interesting because when I did my resentment list, that's what I finally did! I allowed myself to feel those feelings I'd buried and paved over with a good thick layer of numb. I think my issue with my parents leaving was that I was disappointed and angry that my plans with my mom suddenly became moot because they wanted to go to their other home. I felt like I was being pushed down the priority list, AGAIN, and it pissed me off. The funny thing is, as I typed that, THAT is when I finally felt the feelings and successfully filed them away.

So why was it so hard for me to identify that on Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday? I think I need to start taking a moment every hour to assess my feelings and see if there are any floating around that need felt. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch, I already think about all these things the 12 step program tells you to add to your thoughts. Keeping a prayer in your heart, try to think of the Savior often, aligning your will with God's, and taking time to be still to listen to the spirit as it tells you what you need to do.

It's interesting to me that sometime so small and seemingly insignificant can put the brakes on someone's progress at all, let alone years. Because, c'mon, let's face it… I'm 35 and this has put the brakes on my life, my progress, for at least 30 of those years. I SO wish I could get my mom and dad to read this book, I wish I could get them to participate in this program, and I wish I could get my dad to see that while it was his "fault," it wasn't his "fault" at all, this is something that gets passed down and spread and festers until someone finally breaks the cycle. Ha, maybe I'll start praying for the opportunity to share this with my dad. All I need is a little opening. My feelings about this 12 step program and now this book are so tender and so passionate, if given the opportunity to bear my testimony regarding it, I feel like he (my dad) may actually listen.

Until then, keep praying and keep feeling!

B

The Good and the Bad

My husband and I were finally intimate!! After years of me trying to turn him on with his only response being rejection, I gave it a go again Saturday night and it worked! I know you don't need details, but I was so excited! This has been the first time since May. Yes, MAY. It was SO awesome to have him respond the right way.

My parents decided Friday to leave for their other home in a warmer state than Idaho. They left Saturday. My mom and I were supposed to go to a baby shower Saturday night, but since she was leaving, I didn't really want to go either. In fact, I had several things planned for Saturday and ended up not doing a single one of them because I was feeling down. And I was eating, again. Just this morning I realized I was irritated at my parents for (once again) choosing something else above me. I could've still gone ahead with my plans on Saturday, but I didn't. I can't wait until I can figure out how to detach myself from them. AH! This just irritates me so much. Why do I even care if they leave town or not?? I guess I don't care if they leave town, I care that they couldn't wait one more day to leave so my mom and I could have our Saturday plans. I guess I was a bit embarrassed too because I'd already called to RSVP for my mom and I… I don't know, I'm still sorting through all my emotions. Because instead of insisting I look at them Friday or even Saturday, I went "numb" and didn't deal with them until today.

Yesterday Jon and I had a fight. He pulled out of a diagonal parking space and instead of backing up straight and continuing down the aisle, he backed up and turned to leave the opposite way. The aisle isn't large enough, there was a lady waiting for us, and I was SO embarrassed. I asked him not to do that anymore because it's "rule of the road" not to back out of those spaces incorrectly. He got mad and asked me why I even cared and I told him it's because it embarrassed me having that lady watch us and making her wait for us. He did NOT like that. Later when I asked him why it made him so upset that I was embarrassed, he said he didn't know yet, that he was still thinking about it. I think I know though. I think me saying it embarrassed me made him feel guilty. Jon's family bathed him in guilt regularly so he has always had a volcanic response when I make him feel guilty. He told me I didn't need to add on the last bit, that telling him not to back up that way was good enough. To which I responded that it was his question; he ASKED me why I didn't like him doing it.

Anyway, the fight started getting louder and ended up with him saying he hates to drive me because I try to manipulate and control him and it's just easier if he lets me drive. I asked if I wasn't supposed to say something when I was scared or embarrassed; should I just sit quietly in the car and not breath or move? Then he left saying we needed to cool down and talk about it later.

After years (growing up) where I wasn't allowed to have emotions, I'm going to have them now! And I'm going to express them! I wish I could've handled this differently, but I'm not sure what I could have done. Guess I'll just chalk it up to another day of life and move on. :)

B

Attachment

To those of you that are wondering, yes, I talked with my husband last night. I told him I owed him a huge apology and that I would try to refrain from controlling and manipulating him and that he could spend the money. I did ask him though, to please talk to me BEFORE he spends it, just so I can keep track of what our real balance is. Then he told me he was sorry for not being more open with me about his recovery and his spirituality.

Baby steps, people. That's what this life is all about. :)

I was reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie last night and had more thoughts come to me. So, when I was a kid, I had crushes on boys, just like everyone else did. But my crushes lasted YEARS. I'm reading a chapter in the book talking about attachment… I hope you can see where I'm going with this. ;)

I would cling DESPERATELY to the idea of a boy liking me. I would take any little tiny encouragement and blow it SO far out of proportion. For instance, I fell in like with a boy in the 6th grade. I don't remember what happened that I liked him, but I LIKED him. Probably he was just nice to me or he paid attention to me… I seem to really flock to that throughout my life. Anyway, the crush finally ended when he turned 19 and left the freaking country! What a LOSER I am. Haha! I'd be enamored, then he wouldn't do anything, nothing would happen, and I'd grow insecure. Then someone would say something, he would do something, or he would say something… then I was gone again, floating high on a cloud where someone actually valued me!

I always knew I did this and I know I've done it to plenty of guys after this 7 year crush I had… speaking of which, I had crushes on other boys during the "down" time with the 7-year-guy, but they all fizzled out long before his did. This brought to mind a situation with my cousin when I was 19. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, so I'll just briefly recap.

I had a crush on a guy, we would watch explicit movies that we shouldn't watch and I would do things to help him out with the problem that would "arise" from watching such movies. I'm not proud of that, but my past is my past. Anyway, it turned out he was leading me on because he liked that my giving codependent self would fawn over him. Of course, we didn't know THAT at the time, but he was leading me on because I would give his ego what it needed. So he never would ask me out and he kept dating other girls while we were "together" so I just told people we were, "kind of sort of dating."

Well, my cousin got married that summer (1999?) and this cousin happened to be the brother of my most favorite cousin in the whole wide world. We were pen pals for YEARS and we spent summers with each other's families, she was my best friend ever, because she was family too. Built in friend. I went to this wedding with my mom and spent some wonderful time with my cousin. She'd just graduated high school and we decided that she's move up to Idaho, get residency, and go to school with me after. We'd room together and just live it up. I told her the guy I was dating had a friend that would be perfect for her and everything. Long story short, two days after she arrived, she fell for the guy that wasn't really mine and she told me she wouldn't date him if I asked her not to because blood was thicker than water. Of course, I said no. I didn't want her to go after him, I loved him! Big huge fights ensued… they got married that November (or sometime around there), and I haven't talked to her since. I found out from the guy (whole other story there) that they lasted a year and a half… then he married a girl named Becky that looked like my cousin. Irony.

Anyway, reading in the book about attachment got me thinking about this incident. Should I apologize to my cousin for asking her to stay away from a guy that wasn't even interested in me? Was it unfair of me to ask her to stay away? But if she hadn't have come along, maybe he would have gotten with me just because I was there and he learned to love me?

I really miss my cousin. For a lot of years, I hated her. Back in 2006 I worked through the incident and have been okay since. But with this new program I've really started missing her and wishing we had that relationship we used to have. Even in 2012 I cherished the misery in her life! She's currently married to her 3rd husband and they have two baby's. They adopted one new born only to find she was 2 months pregnant. So I think they're 7-9 months apart.

The rest of my family is friends with her on Facebook and it would be really easy to reach out to her, I just don't know if I should. Probably the fact that this has been brought to my mind means I should reach out, but I guess I still hurt. I'm over the hate and the resentment (obviously, or I wouldn't be thinking about this), but I guess I just don't trust her. Period. Feel free to weigh in… otherwise, I feel there will be some major praying in my near future.

B

Well, shoot. :(

My friend lent me her book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More". While reading yesterday and again today, I must have been reading with a prayer in my heart because I came up with a realization:

Just like I tried to control and manipulate the people I work with into asking me to lunch every day and then being offended when they didn't ask me, I'm trying to control and manipulate Jon with money. I can go spend $10 on lunch every day and it's no big deal because I do the budget, I know what's in the account, and I am controlling it. Jon goes and spends $10 on lunch once and I lose my crap. Think back to the post a few days ago about the $13… when I had this thought, I felt so ashamed. I'm such a hypocrite! Spend as I say, not as I spend. I owe him the biggest apology ever, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I guess I need to tell him that he can spend within reason. That's how I always justified mine, isn't it? :)

The more I think about all these things, the more I realize that I try to be the controlling codependent with him, rather than the controlled codependent I am with my dad. I need to back off in some major ways. The thing is, if I can stop this controlling behavior, I think he'll start wanting to do the things I ask him to do. Like clean the kitchen, take out the trash… which, in turn, will make me feel the importance and love that I've been craving.

It's so hard to think, let alone admit, that I'm the problem. This same friend that lent me her book is the one I was talking about the other day, where I gave some advice that was listened to. Anyway, she said, I think in group, that she's decided the advice wasn't it, but that it was her like she initially thought. I empathized with her, because I've had plenty of things where it was my fault. But now I realize it's a lot like I just learned about myself. I'm trying to control and manipulate. Jon's being the way he's being because somewhere along the line, my subconscious decided to have me treat him like that. He's not a freaking child. I need to stop treating him like that. I need to respect him and let him grow and learn.

Man, here's to some eye-openings we pray for, but… it's a hard pill to swallow once they're open.

B

Venting

Hello again! Last night in my meeting, well, there's a couple things. One of the ladies I'd talked to before liked something I'd said and actually applied it! I felt so awesome! I don't think I've ever had someone tell me when I've been an answer to their prayers. :) The other thing, someone was talking about venting and how they like to do it, but it's not actually beneficial until you're venting to God. And I had some thoughts on that.

The thing is, while venting to friends, you may feel better for a while, but the frustration will return. If you want to vent, vent to Heavenly Father. Not only does He hear you, but you'll be comforted and maybe even be provided with a solution to your frustrations. The best part? Heavenly Father loves ALL His children and won't withdraw those feelings for any of your grievances. How many of your friends still love your spouse after a good vent session? Marriage should be between you, your spouse, and God. Not 10 of your closes friends. Stop the venting.

With that said… I have some things to repent about, don't I? It's weird too, because I always knew that I shouldn't do it, but I didn't get any feelings or manifestations about it, until last night. I did a great disservice to my husband by airing all my frustrations out here. I'll do better in the future.

B

Trust?

I've discovered through the years that when I am in a relationship where I feel secure and loved, my weight seems to just melt right off me. Whether it was a local relationship or a long distance one. I've always known something was wrong with Jon and I because I've never lost with him. I seem to gain and if I try hard, then I manage to drop a bit, but I inevitably gain it back. I've never gone above the weight I was when I met him, but I've never been more than 20 pounds lower.

One thing I have a hard time with Jon is trusting him. I started looking into it a little bit last week and came to find that my husband lacks integrity. He'd rather hide things from me and lie to me than take the risk of disappointing me. I've pointed out to him time and time again that if he lies to me, then I'm mad that he lied AND I'm disappointed about what he lied about to keep me from being disappointed!

For instance, we're broke. When we can afford it, we have a $20 weekly allowance, but when we can't (which we usually can't), we just don't do anything. For some reason, even though he knows we couldn't afford for either one of us to get our weekly $20, he thinks it's okay to go spend $13 over two days because he "forgot his lunch at home." Rather than calling me and saying, "Babe, I forgot my lunch, can I buy something?" He'd rather just get what he wants, hide that he did it, and hope that I don't check the bank account to see it cleared or pending. While I was gone camping, he spent $130 on himself. I was only gone THREE DAYS! I get so frustrated with this and I don't know what to do. By him not talking to me about it, shows me he has no respect for me or for our budget. He must not trust me either otherwise he'd be honest with me. I've done everything from taking away the card to giving him free-reign and nothing has worked.

All I want is a marriage where I feel loved, honored, respected, and secure. I rarely feel those things and never more than one at a time. It's been so long since he's given me butterflies in my stomach that I don't even remember if he ever did. Whenever I bring this up to him he just says that he's been trying. The thing is, what he's tried hasn't been enough and there's been no consistency. Sometimes I find myself longing for the first months of my relationship with my alcoholic ex. He may have been a jerk in the end and we may not have parted as friends, but he sure knew how to make me feel good about myself, him, and us.

We've still only been intimate 2 ½ times this year… the last was in May. I know he's learning stuff and I know I need to be patient and let him have time, but how much time? And how much personal sacrifice before it's all just gone and we're just two friends living together? I love him, I 100% love him, but I think it's the same way I love my cousin's. He's fun to hang out with and talk to, but that's all we do and there's nothing more to it. I don't really like kissing him anymore either. I'm scared about our future. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for something to give so we can get out of this spiral, but I feel like we're sinking and there's been no life-line tossed in after us.

I just need to be patient. Heavenly Father has a timeline for His will and I need to just sit down and buckle myself in for the ride. I listened to Heavenly Father when I married Jon, so He must have some sort of plan for us. I need to just be patient… be patient and listen for the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.

B

My husband…

My husband has fancied himself a writer, which I'm fine with. I think he's got some amazing ideas and someday it may work out for him. He has a friend that is really good at drawing. He asked his friend to put together a cover for the book that he's written. Back in April or May he and his friend had a fight that resulted in a falling out. I'm not sure what happened, but Jon and I both got "unfriended". Today my husband texts me and said he messaged his friend (thinking enough time had passed) about his cover. His friend basically told him to piss off and then blocked him. I think there's more going on there than what Jon is telling me, but I obviously don't know what. I finally just told Jon to ask my sister or her kids to draw it because they are actually quite good at drawing. He doesn't want to though. I think he's really mourning this friendship. I think he was really hoping it would come back. I wish I knew what to tell him to make it all better.

Usually I get the feeling that Jon needs to deal with this stuff on his own, so I can't take it away and make it all better. I see how much he struggles with it though and I am SO tempted to step in and offer my advice.

Pep-talk time: Jon needs to deal with this stuff on his own. He's had a life time of people stepping in. Let him be sad, let him vent at me, let him feel it, and then… let him deal with it.

I didn't think I was going to write today – not until after meeting with my sponsor, at any rate. But this stuff with Jon and his friend were really getting to me. I'm not sure why. Tuesday night Jon and I talked a little about our meetings and if they're helping. Jon told me, in no uncertain terms, that he didn't think I'd had it that bad and that his experiences were much worse than mine. The thing is, experiences, childhood, emotions, they're all relative. Him comparing his childhood to mine is like saying an elephant is just like a palm tree. It also kind of made me feel like he was marginalizing my pain… almost invalidating it.

My set of issues are MINE, specially put together by God for ME and my development as a human being. No one else in this world will ever have my exact situation. No one else needs the trials I've had to become the person I am. How can he compare that? And just because my experiences weren't as horrific as his doesn't mean my emotions were any less experienced… felt… imprinted on me.

I know there are people that have problems way worse than mine, but I've spent my life believing I was insignificant and I am not going to sit in that section anymore.

Because of his comments, I've been thinking about letting him read this… he doesn't even know this blog exists. But one thing that has always helped me along in life is identifying what I hope to accomplish by doing something. . What do I expect to have happen if I tell him about my blog and let him read it. I would like to think that he'll understand me more and see that while my path was perhaps easier than his path, it hasn't been any less painful. I don't think that's what would happen though. Honestly, I don't think he'd even bother reading it. He may tell me he read it all, but I don't think he would. Jon has matured a lot and grown leaps and bounds this last year, but he's still prone to the self-centeredness he's learned from his mom. And in that short paragraph, I've decided not to say anything.

It does hurt that he's comparing our situations though. I feel like he makes a lot of things into a contest. Who's more tired, who's had a harder life, who's siblings are worse… it gets pretty old. It turns me off when he complains… and that's usually what he does. Maybe that's my biggest problem… negativity and competition. I don't know. I think this is going to be needing more prayer and more meditation. I know I resent Jon… I may have worked on the older ones, but the newer ones still hurt and because of the resentment, I have a hard time trusting him. He doesn't ever seem willing to build the trust back up though. He continues with stupid lies, spending money we don't have, and not doing the things he says he's going to do. I just want to trust my husband, is that too much to ask of him?

B

My Security Plan

After my post yesterday, I've been mentally thinking of all the things I could include in my plan to be more secure. I have to admit, I didn't come up with very many, but enough that I felt pretty good about the effort I put in. Here's my list:

1. Realize that just because SOME people don't love me, want me, respect me, or reject me doesn't mean ALL people are going to feel that way.
2. Not everyone is a back-stabbing whore.
3. There are people out there that love me for who I am.
4. I am import to people… at least three; Jon, mom, and dad.
5. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. That doesn't mean I am less than anyone else. It just means I'm equal to everyone else.

I made that list this morning. This afternoon, after lunch, I decided to Google that Attachment Theory thing again and see what I could see. Did you know there are tests available to see what sort of attachment you have?? Needless to say, I took a couple. :) When I took the quiz, it said I had, "Fearful-avoidance attachment style". Well, so, of course, I had to Google that too. I found the below website. On this website it stated three things to "fix" your attachment style (if you're the style I am).

So there I was, reading through this website, and I was struck by the three things it said because… those three things are in my list I'd made this morning! I couldn't believe it. It made me smile because obviously I'm on the right path here. :) Here's the link to the website, if you're interested, and the three things to be "fixed".

http://liveabundantly.ca/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

1. Challenge your "all bad" perception of people: Given that attachment styles are something that develop in the early stages of life and are continually reinforced over the lifespan, a fearful-avoidant person has likely experienced some trauma or serious rejection. This could include experiencing divorce as a child, their own personal divorce as an adult or other life experiences that taint people as untrustworthy in their mind. Not everyone is underserving of trust and maybe you just need to work on identifying who to trust and how quickly. Trusting someone should come in stages and to understand these stages, you can refer to the Five Stages of Friendship.
2. Take time to reflect and develop yourself: If you are fearful of relationship and intimacy, chances are there are some wounds that need healing. Rejection and abandonment are the most common attachment fears when entering into a relationship, and most people have experienced them in relationships throughout their life. Not all relationships end in abandonment or rejection. There is someone out there in whom you could build a secure attachment with, but it is important that you take the time to be reflective about your own behaviors and patterns in relationships.
3. Challenge the lens through which you process relational data: Just because you perceive an action or statement in one way doesn't mean it is truth. When we have a belief about something we often seek out information to support our belief. If we have several negative and fearful beliefs about relationships we will look for information to confirm our conclusion. For example, if you meet someone you might find out that they broke up with their last partner and therefore you believe that they will leave you. Or if they didn't text you all day, you believe that they must not love you or that they are not thinking about you. We tend to seek out information to confirm the beliefs that we hold. While this may be helpful in some cases, it can also be very destructive. Therefore, it is important to be conscious of how you process information and cues about your partner and your relationship. These perceptions get internalized and you could be building a negative belief on skewed or biased information.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting as well. I asked one of the girls from my group to be my sponsor. We're meeting up tomorrow night. I'm excited but oh so nervous at the same time. This is going to be new for me, opening up to someone and letting them in. I think I need it though and I think now is the best time for it because I am where I am in all of this. I am so very grateful for this 12-step program I am a part of and I'm so so grateful I have a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to put this kind of program in front of me and to help me through it. This has been an amazing, eye-opening experience for me and I would not trade it for the world. I just want to get everyone into it! Here's to another beautiful day of actually liking who I am.

B

The rest of my feelings…

Now that I've dealt with all my various resentments I find myself looking inward to tie knots in all my loose ended emotions. The one that's been grabbing my attention is the absence of security in my life. After my mom went to work, I just never felt anyone really loved or needed me. I think the absence of security is what drove me to eat. I guess you could call it insecurity.

Well, once again I turned to Google and I found a couple things:

How to stop feeling insecure
So the first step to kill the insecurity feelings is to understand that those feelings are messages that mean that your mind is in need of reassurance. Once you get such feelings you must sit alone and write down your thoughts and feelings in order to figure out the things that are making you insecure. Once you find the reason (for example, I am afraid that I lose my job because of the tough economy) you should write a plan that helps you get rid of that reason. The Good news is that as soon as you write the plan you will feel better especially if your subconscious mind believed that the plan will work. In short, to get rid of insecurity feelings you must reassure your mind by TAKING ACTIONS and not by positive thinking or quick fixes. Only then you will kill the feelings of insecurity.

Attachment Theory – Wikipedia
Securely attached children are best able to explore when they have the knowledge of a secure base to return to in times of need. When assistance is given, this bolsters the sense of security and also, assuming the parent's assistance is helpful, educates the child in how to cope with the same problem in the future. Therefore, secure attachment can be seen as the most adaptive attachment style. According to some psychological researchers, a child becomes securely attached when the parent is available and able to meet the needs of the child in a responsive and appropriate manner. At infancy and early childhood, if parents are caring and attentive towards their children, those children will be more prone to secure attachment

I had planned on delving into the first one and figuring this thing out. But then I found the second one and I was stopped in my tracks. This line just resonated through me! "…knowledge of a secure base to return to in times of need." When possible, my parents will help me, but there have been many times they have refused. I wonder if this is my issue, I was never securely attached to a caregiver… I never KNEW someone would be there for me when I needed it. Maybe this is why I've always felt so alone.

So based off the first thing I found via Google, I need to reassure my mind by taking actions… I need to make a plan for a secure base to return to if needed. Then, maybe I'll be free. Having just identified it has soothed me by leaps and bounds!

B

Biggest Resentment of Them All

In group on Tuesday, there was a lady there that talked about pride. She said she didn't think she was prideful until she went and looked up the exact definition. Being the curious sort that I am, I decided to look it up too.

pride
noun \ˈprīd\
: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc.

After looking at that, I realized that, in regards to pride, I'm okay. I don't have any of those feelings. Then I got curious about resentment; you know, my topic of choice of late. Here's the definition of that:

re·sent·ment
noun \ri-ˈzent-mənt\
: a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair

I know my big issue has been resentment and dealing with it. About a month ago, I'd not have believed you if you told me I was carrying around resentment. I am just not an angry person… or so I thought.

This is very disjointed, so I hope you'll bear with me and hopefully this will go somewhere. :) When I was younger, I had some kind of event in my life that caused me to start gaining weight. I always thought it was between 2nd and 3rd grade, so I'd have been 7-8 years old. Last night I went over to my parents' house to look through old pictures to see if we could narrow it down a bit. My school pictures were all lined up together and I was surprised! My weight gain appeared after 4th grade! My 4th grade picture I looked fine, then my 5th grade picture I looked fat. The only thing that happened was in February of 1989 my mom got a job. In April I'd have been 10.

As we talked about this, she said that she just hadn't been home to monitor what we ate, but I think it was more. I think maybe that started me eating, having no one to tell me no, but it was after that that the comments about my weight started and I think the summer of 1989 cinched it for me. I think that was the year I let resentment get the better of me. It was that summer that Grandma told me to come stay with her because SHE could get the weight off me. It was the summer that my uncle told me my fat body was in the way. It was the summer my sister told me for every Dorito I ate, I had to lose one pound. It was the summer my mom put exercise on my chore list. It was the summer my best friend moved away to live with her dad. It was the summer I stopped being important for who I was and my fat became the only thing people could see.

I'd stored up a lot of resentment from that year… and I think I put it all at my mom's feet for not being there to take care of me. I didn't even know this stuff 24 hours ago, so it's not like I've been conscience of purposefully holding onto this stuff. I do know though, through conversations with my mom, that after that I started giving her what she called, "Love Tests." I started doing things to see if she really loved me or not. The thing I'm wondering now is, did I test her even if she "passed" the last one? Or did I only test her when she "failed" the last one? I can't see testing someone for 20+ years if she'd passed each and every test… so does that mean she failed all of them?

I remember one test when I was 18. I was working at a local Arby's restaurant and my house was quite literally across the street. I had hard contacts at the time and they were really making it difficult for me to work, there was something wrong with them and I just could not see. I remember calling home to see if my mom could come across the street with my contact stuff so I could take them out and wear my glasses the rest of the night. I remember her being a bit exasperated with me and telling me that no, she couldn't do that. I asked her what I was supposed to do and she told me to try putting drops of water in my eyes. After we hung up, I remember going into the bathroom and trying the water thing, which just made them sting so much worse and I basically cried the rest of the night because tears would not stop running down my face… but they weren't sad tears. By that time, I'd mastered the art of being numb.

I think I remember this night so well because a co-worker of mine had called his mother for something and even though they lived 15 minutes from work, she dropped everything and came to help him. I do remember feeling devastated. It killed me that I wasn't important to her at all. Granted I never tried to find out why she couldn't come, maybe she had plans or maybe she just wanted to relax after work. Either way, I think that was the beginning of the end for us.

A year later my mom and dad sat down with me because I owed them some money and apparently I wasn't being as responsible as they wanted me to be. I know I was paying them, so I don't remember what brought this on. I just remember them saying they were going to sign me up for the army. I must of have said something in a parting remark that my dad didn't like because before I'd made it outside, I was shoved up against the wall and my head slammed back against the wall repeatedly while my dad made his point, which I don't remember. I do remember my mom just standing back and watching my dad doing this to me, then when he was done, she said, "You have made me lose all the love I ever had for you." I think after that point… well, I'd always thought I was worthless and unlovable and what not, but I think part of me hoped that I was worth something to my mom, hence all the tests. This sealed it though. After this I started down my road of bad choices. I picked people that I knew would hurt me as a kind of constant reminder that I wasn't worth anything anyway.

I wonder sometimes how my mom feels deep down. Now, we get along great, we talk and share and spend time together. If I'm being honest though, I think I have a pretty heavy guard up. How could she possibly like who I am now if it took who I was to become who I am? Once in a while I find myself throwing little tests at my mom, not so much now, but within the last couple of years. She's passed them. I don't think I've given her any tests in quite a while, actually… but I've never really let anyone in all the way. I don't even think I've let my husband in.

Wow, what an interesting turn this has taken. After writing all that down though, I feel quite at peace. I'm not sure where to go from here, how to progress, or how to heal, but at least I've admitted to it. And as we all know, admitting we have a problem is the first step to healing. :)

B

Resentment – Done.

First, sorry I haven't written in a while. I was off camping and enjoying this beautiful Earth!

Second, just now, this very moment, I have finished my resentment list. When I finished, I closed it with a prayer. I am feeling the strangest sensation though. I feel light, free, like a heavy load has been lifted from my chest. But I also feel empty and anxious that the empty will just fill up with new resentments.

One day at a time.

I wonder what affect this will have on me going forward. I wonder if I'll feel this weird empty for long or if it'll slowly disappear as I realize I don't need to hold on to these silly things. I also know there's one more thing in me. One more thing lurking, but I don't know what it is. I feel that something happened to me when I was 7 years old. For some reason I keep thinking Christmas time – that would have been the winter of 1986-1987. Whatever it is, it's just out of my mind's eye.

Anyway, I feel that if I can figure that last puzzle piece out, I'll FINALLY be whole. Doesn't mean I can just coast through life though. :) I'll have to keep this stuff up forever in order to not let it build up as badly as it did.

Good luck in your recovery!

B

Resentment

Resentment has been pretty heavy on my mind this last week. The direction my thoughts have been taking it is starting to make me wonder if perhaps resentment is my core issue and not "mattering." Because if you think about it, I resent those I don't matter to. Well, I Google'd the best way to get rid of resentment and I found this thing that lists it out 12-Step style… it's like an expansion of Step 4: Make a fearless and searching inventory of ourselves.

Here is what the website said:

1.Face them
2.Feel them
3.Deal with them
4.Heal from them

Step One- Make a list of all the people you have resentments towards. If you do this honestly, then the list should be pretty long. Include ANYTHING that gives you an automatic negative feeling. You can also include places and institutions (a school you attended, an airport you had a bad experience in) nothing is too trivial or too small.

Step Two- Next to the person's name; write what they did to cause you to resent them. Again, nothing is too small. If you resent your boss, it may be because that person gives you unreasonable deadlines, or could simply be because you don't like their hair. The reason for the resentment doesn't have to "make sense"—it just has to be honest. This is where it will get hard, and you will feel worse than you did before starting. Try to have faith that the end result will be worth it—because it will be!

Step Three- Now you write what part of your life each resentment affects. If you resent an old teacher who made you feel inferior, you might say that it affects your self-esteem or confidence. The point is to become acutely aware of the specific ways that the resentment is impacting your identity, and your ability to feel safe, secure, and loved.

Step Four- Next to the reason, or cause for resentment, you are going to write down your part. This is how YOU have contributed to the problem. Back to our boss example, at this point you've established that you resent your boss, that you resent your boss because of unreasonable deadlines. Your part in this problem could be that you never spoke up and asked for less work.

When I worked on my original step 4, I listed all the "slights against me," but I didn't know what to do with them, so I just left them without the Step 4 process complete while completing all the other ones. Now I have moved my "Resentment" items into a different tab on my spreadsheet (yes, I know I'm dorky for doing this) and I've set it all up according to what the steps above say. The strange thing is this; now I find I don't really want to do it. No, that's not quite it. I want to do it, but I'm scared. And if I'm scared to do this step, that means it's the step that'll finally get me to let go… let go of this weight I've hid myself in for so long. I don't know if that'll really happen or not, but I DO know that when I am finally "healed" that I'll be able to let it go.

The strange part is that I've not been scared or worried about any of the other steps so far, even apologizing to people hasn't really been that bad. I've felt GOOD for doing it. Granted, I haven't done that much that needed corrected. :) I've done everything I can to clear the air with the people I needed to. The hard ones have been the people I don't know how to get ahold of anymore. I ended up just having to write them a letter and free myself of the feelings. There are two people that I would absolutely love to see face to face and apologize to them. I doubt they'd talk to me even if I did know how to find them.

The idea of losing my resentment feels almost like I'm losing me. I haven't really thought of it that way until right this moment, but it makes a lot of sense to me. So, here's what I've decided to do. I am going camping next week (so you may not hear from me). I've uploaded my resentment step to my cloud and have distributed it to my phone and tablet. While camping next week, I am going to go through my whole list of 90ish things and complete the above steps on these items. I am hoping, the week after next, when I return, I'll have used the nature and time alone to come to grips with all my resentment and either have it completed or moving in that direction. I plan on enlisting God's help too… to help me remember any I have left off my list so that when I clear them, I can clear them ALL once and for all.

Now that I've written this, I'm getting a little excited! I hope it goes as well as I'm planning it to go. Wish me luck!

B

*sigh*

First, I wanted to let you know that I didn't get the chance to talk with my uncle over the weekend. My mom ended up working all day Friday and we had a baptism to attend Saturday… guess it just lost importance. I have another meeting tonight though, so perhaps I'll get the strong urge to do it again.

I think I've talked before about how I feel left out in my group at work. My supervisor rarely stops to talk to me, only really stopping to talk with my one female co-worker or sometimes the male co-worker. I honestly don't think he likes me as a person, he only likes me as an employee. I guess that's okay, but where he has the deeper relationship with the other two, I wish he would with me too. Maybe it's my issue because I keep everything so close to the vest. Anyway, an incident yesterday got me thinking about this again. My female co-worker asked me if I could pick her up from a car shop nearby the next morning. I said I would, then we got talking about maybe stopping for donuts. Well, our supervisor is watching his sugar intake so our conversation went from donuts to muffins then to bagels. I decided to call him and ask him if it would be okay if she and I went and picked up some bagels for our group after we dropped off her car. He kind of hemmed and I suddenly started saying that we probably wouldn't, I just wanted to find out if it was okay and by the time he and I hung up, I was wishing I'd never called him because I felt so stupid.

So the questions I was thinking this morning are these: Why do I allow others to make me feel stupid and awkward? Then I back pedal to "save face" and act like I didn't really mean what I'd said… I just don't get it. Why do I do that? He just now walked into my female co-workers office and they're visiting. My face got all hot and I'm sure I'm blushing because I'm embarrassed over that stupid phone call. I don't know why, it's not like he's even going to check in. Usually he just waves as he walks by in the afternoon going to get a soda.

I get so tired of this. Why can't I get people to like me? Why do I even care if they do?!

B

Deep Breath!

As you know, I've been working the steps of my new program. Which, by the way, is MUCH easier than trying to do the steps in Al-Anon. This program is more structured and made more sense to me. Al-Anon was really confusing and I don't think I'd be much farther than I was if I hadn't had this program to show me how to make it work for me! Lol But I digress.

Tuesday we talked about the restitution step. I hadn't thought I was there yet, but by the way it spoke to me, I think I am. During the meeting, one of the gals shared that she had a hard time with this step because she felt she had been more harmed than harmful. I identified with that. Through the course of her recovery, she realized that if there are feelings of resentment, there was harm. Which instantly brought me to thoughts of my uncle and his long ago declaration of my size. And just like that, I had my answer on how to approach him and put this behind me.

Here's my game plan:

1. Sit down with him and explain that I'm in this program. I need to explain that I'm on the restitution step and that I owe him an apology.
2. Explain the situation as I remember it.
3. Explain to him that I let the experience build a wall between us and as a result, I'd had my guard up around him for 25ish years.
4. Tell him I'm sorry for letting it build to that and that I hope he can forgive me for holding it against him all these years.I called my mom and asked if she'd go with me. Not because I'm scared of my uncle or whatever, but because I'd appreciate a loving hand. I know Jon would go with me, but I'm afraid he'd try to protect me too much and I won't be able to get what I need to move on. She said she would be happy to come.

I'm nervous, but not because of this. I'm nervous because once I talk with my uncle, I think the only unrest I'll really have left is my dad. Which means I'll have to start praying about him and figuring out how to lay all my issues to rest and to move on. I have the feeling it'll end up being a lot like the way I'm going to be addressing the issue with my uncle. We'll see though. At the idea of talking to my uncle, I have this feeling of freedom. Like I'm finally out from under that judgment of me. I still feel a little tied down, but I think that's because I haven't actually talked to him though. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be done!

B

New Day

When I got home last night, my husband told me his sister-in-law had been talking to him all day. He recommended to her that she should talk with me. Last night I told him that I didn't think it would ever happen. Well, color me wrong. This morning she started talking to me again! It's been two years. She started it off with an apology. It really meant a lot to me.

She and I talked about the various things going on and the things that had happened. It made me sad for a relationship that could have been. We wasted two years based on someone else's lies. I feel so bad for her and the road she has in front of her. It will not be easy, nice, or fun. I offered our help in anything she may need, but I know it's not enough. And we can't help financially which is probably where she'll need it the most.

I'm glad we were able to purge our lives of the poison, but I feel bad that it fell on others. I think Jon's taking it quite hard because he sees what's happening, but can't do anything to stop it. His family does not respect him in the least. It'll be interesting to see this play out. In the meantime, my SIL and I have reconciled and I've been re-added as a friend on Facebook! Yay! :)

B

Forgiveness

Sorry it's been so long! Summer always manages to get away from me. Busy times.

I'm LOVING the Al-Anon program my church does. I've already grown so much. I still have a long ways to go, but I feel so much lighter. I think I was holding onto a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have been.

Two years ago, my husband and I let his mother come stay with us for a while. She was here four months. She came Memorial Day Weekend 2012 and left the end of September 2012. She did several things while she was here, but I'll start with the first thing. I'm all about respectfulness and boundaries (where I can). The first night she was here, Jon and I went with her to the store and we bought her shampoo, conditioner, all the toiletries she would need to be comfortable in our home. About two weeks later, I noticed my shampoo was running dry a full 10 days before it was supposed to (long story on how I know the timing, lol). I said something to Jon, wondering if he used it. I don't care who was using it, I just needed to know so I could buy enough to cover everyone for the month. He said he wasn't. He asked his mom and she said she wasn't either. This continues on for a few weeks when I start noticing other things. She's rearranging my house. Moving the kitchen around, changing where the towels are stored, and taking blankets that went somewhere else. She kept denying the shampoo thing, which made me furious! If she's lying about SHAMPOO, what else is she lying about?!

I tried talking to Jon again only to have him defend her. Up until the day she left she denied using it. I'm quite sarcastic and asked if maybe we have a burglar that comes in every day and slowly empties all my shower bottles one use at a time. She said that was the most sensible answer. REALLY??? Instead of admitting that yes, I used your shampoo without asking so you ran out and had none… instead of that, she said the burglar theory was the right one.

She was really hard on my marriage. We'd only been married 7 months when she came. With hind sight, I can see I should have dealt with this differently, but I didn't… so what's done is done. :) I kept telling her she was making things tough between Jon and I in the hopes that she'd get the hint and leave. Instead, she took it as gospel and told my husband I was leaving him. Then she handed him a bottle of Xanax and a bottle of Ambien! That was a long night in the ER. He since has said he should have known better, that I wouldn't ask her to give him the message that I'm divorcing him… but c'mon! I sent her packing three nights later. The only reason she didn't leave that night is because Jon wanted to spend time with her before she left.

The whole point of that story was to say that today, she succeeded in ending a marriage. Luckily it wasn't mine! Unluckily, Jon's brother and his wife are filing for a divorce. They have two little boys and it breaks my heart to know those boys will be raised the way Jon was raised. I thank the Lord every day for finally opening my husband's eyes to see the poison that his family is. I feel so bad for him, not having the love and support of his family. That would just kill me. He's got my family though. Luckily they give him the love and support he doesn't get from his own. It's nice, but I know it hurts him that it doesn't come from his family. My heart aches for anyone going through problems, but especially for the people suffering by the hand of another. I have never met a more manipulating woman in my entire life. Every time I feel like I may be able to move on and welcome her back into our lives, she does something like this.

I mostly feel really bad for the woman. She is 54 this year and has nothing. She's gone from kid to kid to kid destroying their lives in her wake. I'm so thankful Jon and I were spared. I think this is a good lesson about forgiving though. Just because you forgive doesn't mean you should be duped into something again. Forgive, but maybe don't forget everything…

B