Being imperfect is what makes me perfect.

Guess what I just realized, I don't have to be perfect. All I have to do is be perfect in my imperfection. It never fails though, when I'm not "perfect" I get this horrible sinking feeling. I think I actually feel like people will get rid of me because I'm not perfect. Since the trouble at work a few weeks ago, I've had all sorts of nightmares about being fired, even though nothing more was said about it. Ever. Not once.

Today I got talked to for being too loud. Apparently there have been complaints from all departments, not just the ones near me.

I don't understand why I do that, why do I hold myself to a standard of perfection? Maybe when I was a kid, I thought if I was perfect, I'd get love. It never worked though, so I don't know why I did it. Something to ponder, I guess.

I need to realize that I'm not perfect, and it's okay that I'm not. I'm not less of a person if I do something wrong. It just means I am a person, like everyone else. I do feel like since we've gotten here, all I've done is mess up. I feel like I'm not good enough. I know it's stupid and I know this place only gives feedback when it's bad (very rarely is it given when you've done well). So if they don't say anything, that means they're happy with me (again… still?). I need to retire.

On another note, my meeting on Sunday was good. I finally realized that I ate because it was my "bad behavior" like smoking was for my sister or playing insane was for my other sister. I got attention for it, so I kept it up. Then it became a habit and I forgot what started it. Then I became this… me. I still find myself thinking all my problems would be solved if I could just lose this weight, so I know I'm not ready to start yet. I know things won't be solved just for losing weight, so I am definitely not ready yet. My journey is slow, but I'm going steady, so hopefully it'll come to an end sooner than later. :)

B