Irony isn’t always funny!

That thing last week, where my supervisor talked with me, it's hit me really hard. I'm STILL preoccupied with it. All I keep thinking about it how I wasn't perfect. Then I think about how I'm not expected to be perfect and neither the Corporate Officer nor my Supervisor have thought about this incident again. And here I am killing myself over it. Why do I do that? I feel like any moment my supervisor is going to come over, ask me to his office, and he'll fire me. Over what? Two cells in Excel that updated and I forgot to verify them? No, that's stupid. And yet here I am, fretting over just such a scenario. I'm ridiculous. I've done MUCH worse (unintentionally) and I still have my job. Why am I being so silly about this?

I took a moment and said a prayer about it. I'm better now. I'll move on to bigger and brighter things. :) I was thinking Saturday about the irony in my life. Somehow I've associated importance and lovability of myself to my ability to attract and be intimate with the opposite sex. The great irony of it all is that Heavenly Father gave me a husband that intimacy is not high on his priority list. I am forever feeling worthless and unloved by Jon, yet I know that's not the case.

The new thing I'm trying to figure out now is how being "abandoned" by my mom made my pea-brain decide that sex and intimacy with a man is the only thing that can and does make me feel loved and wanted. The thing is, I know both my sister's do this too, but do you think either one of them would admit as much? Insert sardonic laugh here.

Last night in my group, I started my sharing portion with, "I am compulsive, emotional over-eater, and my trigger is anxiety." It felt really weird admitting that to a roomful of people. But it felt somewhat good too, because I wasn't hiding there. I hide everywhere else I go, even home and work, but I didn't hide there.

After all, the first step to recovery is actually admitting, out loud to others, that you have a problem.

B