What’s love got to do with it?

After all this work I've put in, I think I've managed to clear up all my "issues" except one. The one where I feel like no one loves me. How does one go about feeling loved? I obviously don't know how to feel loved, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for me. I try playing around with Jon and he just yells at me for tickling him or scaring him. Just now as I wrote that, I realized, that's an awfully like how a 10 year-old would try to get love… and guess how old I was when I lost this particular talent.

I guess now, my challenge is to figure out how to feel loved as a 35 year-old. Maybe it'll help to list out the things I need in order to feel loved? Maybe I'll see something in the list that I haven't seen before now. So, 1. Be considered and thought of. 2. Get paid attention to. 3. The little things that show I've been thought of; a card, flowers, or perhaps a clean kitchen.

I'm sure there's more, but the one thing I keep thinking is: this is all stuff I depend on someone else to do to make me feel loved. How do I provide that for myself? How do I stop from depending on others for my love value? I think if I can figure this one out, I'll become a millionaire! :) Seriously though, how do I stop feeling ridiculous, embarrassed, and alone when Jon rejects the way I'm trying to get him to love me. I can't even think about touching him without him yelling about how it tickles and how I'm torturing him. You know, now that I think about it this way, the lack of physical touch in our relationship has really hindered the growth of our love. In my case, I feel like it's dying, not maintaining or growing. I really can't touch Jon anywhere. If I try rubbing his bum, he gets mad at me. If I rub his sides, he gets mad at me. If I rub his back, but get too close to the sides; he gets mad at me. If I rub his leg, he gets mad at me. He's ticklish EVERYWHERE and I honestly can't touch him without him getting upset with me. I've pointed out that I just can't touch him, but he whines at me that I can. The truth is though, if I could, I'd have found it by now.

The thing is, without touch, it's harder to show him how I feel, but I manage it with little things. He's not compensated in any other areas though. He says he has, but it's that kind of trying that is just enough that you can't say he HASN'T tried, but it's not enough to actually make a difference.

We celebrated our three year anniversary last week and had a pretty good talk at our celebratory dinner. We just talked about the first time we met, online and in person, and all the things we thought and felt. Jon said this awakened something in him he didn't realize was dead and he has a renewed interest in us. He's going to work on forgiving himself for things he's done to me that he still feels guilty about. I'm almost afraid to hope. Maybe this is the turnaround we need.

B