Fault Finding

Here’s an experience from last night.  First though, I need to mention that recently my dad has decided he really likes pedicures, toenail painting and everything.  Now, my parents are out of town visiting their warm weather other home.  I have family that lives in this other town and my dad went with my cousin for his very first pedicure.  That’s great, I’m glad he went. :)  So the next time he went, he went with my mom, also makes sense.  The third time he went was because my cousin was coming to visit.  He invited her to go.  I happened to overhear and basically invited myself along.  The fourth time he went was again with my mom.  The fifth time was just this last weekend, with my mom, in their warm weather town.

Sorry for the long back story, just wanted to explain all of that.  So last night, I’m looking at my toes and thinking, “Man, I need another pedicure.”  Usually when I do things with my dad, he pays… and I’m broke.  So I’m thinking, I’ll ask dad if he wants to go with me, then maybe he’ll pay!

I texted him this message: “Do you have any interest in a pedicure sometime in the near-ish future?”  Oh, I should mention that I didn’t know about his fifth pedicure at this time.

He wrote back and said, “We had one when we got here.  Sorry.”

That was it.  So I wrote back and said, “K.”  Then I sat there thinking, “I didn’t mention any particular day, not even a particular month or time!”  As I mentioned the other day, I have a specific spiral that I get to ride when I’m feeling this feeling.  First, when he answered like that, I get this ache in my heart… it’s like a sinking/breaking type feeling.  Then I get to thinking about what his answer means.  It’s obvious to me that he doesn’t want to do this particular activity with me…. Or any other activity.  I suppose I should stop expecting anything and just hope that he wants to take me to lunch every 6 months or so to see how I’m doing.

Later, I asked my husband what he would have answered.  I didn’t tell him I’d texted my dad.  He said, “I’d tell you that I’d had one last week, but if you wanted to wait a week or so, I’d be happy to go.”  So why can’t my dad do that?  I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings.  I feel like I’ve done something wrong and he doesn’t want to spend time with me.  I feel worthless and unloved.  All because of a pedicure question gone wrong.

This next list section comes to us under the topic of: Low Self-worth

Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.

I think repressed is an awesome way to describe my family.  We weren’t allowed to feel and when we did, we were (for lack of a better word) punished for feeling.  I think my parents were overly strict when it came to religion and it made my sisters and I rebel against it.  I’m not such a rebel, because I have to be able to keep everyone happy, but neither of my sisters practice our faith.  I’ve finally found a way of practicing that is true to myself.  I actually quite enjoy church now. :)

We’ve all ended up with skewed views of what shows love during sex.  Because I’m not sure of my audience, I’ll just say that my older sister and I lean more toward the kinky side.  My younger sister is a lesbian and married to a woman.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, if she’s happy, she’s happy.  And I love my sister-in-law.  I just don’t believe in the same choices she made as right for myself.

Both my sisters have scars from trying to kill themselves.  I actually have quite a bit of resentment toward them for that and other things because then everyone ignored me.  My older sister experimented with drugs and alcohol.  I did a little with alcohol, but I stopped by the time I was 21. Lol  I’m not 100% sure of what my younger sister did.  I was in my partying phase while she was finishing high school, then right after graduation she moved out of the country to be with her now spouse.

Everyone walks on egg shells around everyone else, but me and my mom.  They’ll all yell at my mom and I, blame us for any and everything, and push us out.  I feel bad for my mom, but as for me?  Whatever.  I’m done with it.

Blame themselves for everything.

My first therapist really helped me with this one and I am MUCH better now, but I still do it.  I used to blame myself if it snowed in June.  I had a flight delayed once and I told myself if was because I’d done something bad.  Ridiculous, right?  But I still did it… and do it.  My first therapist though, said some magic words.  He said, “Did you ever think that maybe it isn’t your fault?”

Whoa.  I mean, whoa!  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  Never, ever, in a million years, did it occur to me that things weren’t my fault.  Everything was always my fault.  If I’m asleep and my sister and her friend are awake and talking too loudly, I got woken up and yelled at.  If it snowed in June and ruined plans, I was yelled at.  If a cloud passed over the sun, it was my fault.  To think these things weren’t my fault… whoa.

Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.

This one may not even need an explanation!  Lol  I 100% do this.  I play Candy Crush.  I mean, really, who doesn’t? :)  When I’m playing and can’t pass a simple level, this is what I say to myself, “If you were a better person you’d be able to pass this level.  You’re just too stupid.”  Like that has anything to do with a game.

Then there’s my mantra, “Ugly, fat, stupid, and worthless.”

Then of course, if Jon doesn’t want me, it’s cause of the mantra items.  If I don’t have a friend to go to lunch with, it’s because of those things.  I hide behind those words like they’re a shield protecting me from being hurt.  Because what if… what if I was pretty, skinny, smart, and worth something and people still treated me the way they do.  Then what?  Does that mean that it’s not those things that they hate?  Does that mean that they actually hate me?  For a perfectionist people pleaser… that does not bode well.  This, my friends, is why I believe I have the weight problems I have.  Because as long as I’m fat, it’s the fat’s fault; not mine.  They’re rude to me because I’m fat, they don’t want to be with me because I’m fat, they don’t want to come to my birthday party or enjoy a pedicure with me because I’m fat.  If I wasn’t fat… then it would be me, my fault.  Guess this applies to the prior topic too.

Now, onto my Al-Anon meeting! :)

Topic discussed:  Keep Coming Back and Learn to Experience Love in Adverse Situations

From the Hope for Today book (page 104), “If I look for fear, I’ll find fear.  If I look for love, I’ll find love.  Which will I choose to look for today?”

Thoughts I wrote down:

Share in others’ strength.

Learn to keep your mouth shut when it won’t be productive.

Just being here is like a treatment.

Stop looking for validation and affirmation from others.  I should be looking to me and my higher power.

If you “own” something, you have to fix it.  Stop “owning” stuff and you’ll have less to fix!

I thing that was mentioned that caused me pause; I am condescending?  I’ve been contemplating this since the guy in group said it.  And I think I am.  I don’t think it’s intentional and I don’t realize I’m doing it… I guess it’s like the unwanted advice thing.  But I think I look down on Jon.  Because he doesn’t like to have a clean house.  He doesn’t like to pick up after himself… all those silly things, I think I actually put myself above him in that regard and I shouldn’t.  I need to reinforce him, not knock him down.

Someday I’ll be perfect.  Until then, I’ll be me.

B

Care Giving

Here's a funny to start things off...

Now, onto business. :)  I forgot to mention that the past posts where I’ve been talking about “the list” all topics I’ve covered have been under the category of: Care Giving.  I don’t have much to add from the rest of my day yesterday, but I do want to put that my husband has started noticing that I’m not the same I was two months ago.  I think I’ve been taking a slow ride back down my spiral.  Our therapist is hoping to be able to see us again in June… I can’t wait.  I feel like my old self and I hate it.  Onto the list.

Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.

I don’t SAY that other people make me feel the way I do, but I know I depend on someone else’s opinion of myself before I can define my own opinion.  I also read really deep between the lines and come up with really stupid stuff.  I KNOW it’s stupid and not true, but I feel like it’s the truth because it seems logical and then I internalize the pain.  For an example, let’s talk about my birthday dinner for a moment.  I KNOW people just got busy and they didn’t mean to forget about my birthday.  I KNOW they all love me still and would feel horrible about missing it if I pointed it out.  But I FEEL like they all hate me, that they never really liked me, that they only ever come to stuff that isn’t directly related to me, and that I’m worthless and unimportant to them… that they wouldn’t even miss me if I was gone from the Earth.

Whoa.  Right?  :)  How’d I get from a missed birthday dinner to they’d never know if I left this life.  Welcome to my personal spiral.  Everything takes this path.  Someone didn’t invite me to lunch, no one wants to go to the movies with me, Jon plays video games… It’s so annoying.

By the same token though, if I think someone is taking the effort to make me special to them, I’m over-the-moon happy.  I feel secure, loved, wanted, needed, worth something, important, and beautiful.  I wish I could just feel this way all the time, whether others felt it or not.

Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.

Ha!  See above topic. ;)  Honestly, I don’t really feel angry or victimized.  I 100% feel unappreciated and used.  I hate when people take advantage of my giving nature.

Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

This topic covers ALL the topics within Care Giving.  And I think out of everyone in my life, I cater to my dad and my mom and sisters get impatient or angry with me for doing so.  I know my sisters hate my peace-keeper mentality and my older sister especially gets so mad at me.  I went to visit her once.  We ended up getting into a fight over lunch.  Because she wanted one thing, my mom another, so I was trying to keep the peace.  

Well, I got the anger.  By the time we got to the zoo, she was flinging every swear word at me, I was silently crying behind my sunglasses, and we all had a horrible time.  At that time I was attempting to be friends with my sister.  As it turns out, that was my last attempt.  I finally washed my hands of everything.  For a while I even denied that I had sisters.  Now, I won’t seek them out, but if they want to talk to me, I’ll answer and converse.  I’m done being open to that hurt.

I think my mom gets mad because I won’t confront my dad.  I just let him have all this control, then I complain to her about it.  Lately she’s been making me confront him.  It’s not as bad as I make it in my head, but I still hate it and don’t want to do it.  Someday, I will be whole.

B

Neediness

Happy Monday!  Sorry about the weekend hiatus, I decided to spend time with my husband. :)  My thoughts today are with my husband.  Back in March my mom posted a really helpful article about being depressed and job searching on Jon’s Facebook page.  Jon read it, thought the information helpful and moved on with his day.  That night my mom messaged me on Facebook and asked me if I’d seen what Jon’s mom had said about the article that my mom had posted.  I told her no, that Jon and I were watching a movie.  I told her to hang on while we looked.  So Jon pulls up his Facebook and we were both horrified!  Jon’s mom, thinking that my mom was being mean to Jon (she posts articles for him all the time) decided she was going to defend her baby.  Which is great, but if Jon isn’t offended, they shouldn’t be worried!

Anyway, it turned into this huge giant ordeal and Jon basically hasn’t spoken to his family in two months.  Jon’s mom is a co-dependent and she is really into emotional manipulation, among other things.  She expected Jon to jump to her aid and tell my mom what a horrible person she was.  Instead, Jon told her to stop it and apologize to my mom.  Now, since manipulative co-dependents dislike boundaries, you can probably imagine the reaction Jon’s mom had.  She called Jon’s sister and told her that I was manipulating Jon and not letting him talk to her, she told Jon in a text message TO JON’S PHONE that she knew it was really me talking to her and she wasn’t going to answer anymore, and she told Jon’s brother all of that plus some more for good measure.

I plan on posting this in another post, but I’ll touch on this today.  Jon’s sister has talked to me exactly five times since Jon and I started dating.  The first time ever was on my wedding day.  Jon’s mom called her and made her talk to me.  The second was when Jon’s mom was visiting Jon and I and I asked his sister to take her for two weeks so Jon and I could have a break.  We’d been married nine months and she’d been with us for three.  That didn’t end well (one of the things I was going to post another time).  The third time was after Jon’s mom told him I was leaving him then gave him enough Ambien and Xanax to kill himself (nice mom, right?).  The fourth time was at Jon’s grandmother’s funeral, because I couldn’t not talk to her, and the fifth time was with this whole debacle.

ANYWAY, the reason Jon’s in my thoughts is because this has really been eating at him, this last confrontation with his family.  But it’s been eating at him because he’s finally realized his family is dysfunctional.  I think I told him about five times yesterday that it was okay for him to be mad at his family.  I keep telling him to message our therapist (she just finished school and can’t technically council us without her license.  She’s hoping to have it in June), but he’s not done it yet.  I feel bad for him, because as bad as my family is, they’d never do what Jon’s family has done.  The worst thing is, they think it’s okay!

Okay, I’m done now. :)  On to today’s list items!

Find themselves attracted to needy people.

I never realize they’re needy.  Not until someone else points it out.  Then I’m like, “Oh, yeah….”  I think it’s because they make me feel needed and wanted.  Luckily, now that I’m married, I (hopefully) won’t have to deal with this one or the next one again.

Find needy people attracted to them. 

Sometimes I can see how needy they are before I consent to anything.  Those ones I tend to avoid because they’re too needy, even for me.  I had a guy interested in me about the same time I met my husband.  Seeing that Jon lived in another state, I decided to give this other guy a chance.  Whoa, it was bad.  After making me pay for and arrange all our dates (two), a red flag popped up and I decided I wasn’t going to do it.  I was so tired of having to try and earn love with money (a whole other story behind that…).  Anyway, I decided after the 2^nd date that I was going to wait for him to woo me.  Well, guess how soon he called.  Fast forward from March to September (no, he hadn’t called me in ALL that time), I’d moved on with Jon and he was coming for his first visit to meet me.  When he was here, I had my mom take some pictures of us doing some cute little kisses (he was here for two weeks, so it’s not like I was easy… ;) lol).  I put them up on Facebook and tagged Jon in them.  So this guy that stopped talking to me as soon as I made him do any kind of effort, messaged me and told me he couldn’t believe what a whore I’d made of myself all over Facebook for everyone to see.  Seriously?!  MY MOM TOOK THE PICTURES!  Like I’d ever do anything whorish in front of her!  Anyway, there were several messages back and forth and several from him later (that I ignored… I think he was trying to make me jealous?).  That one I avoided.

Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.

This one only fits are far as feeling empty and worthless.  I don’t thrive on crisis, I avoid dramatic people like the plague.  I don’t look for problems to solve or people to help, but if they come to me, I offer as much advice as possible, wanted or not. ;)  Anyway, I feel empty and worthless pretty much all the time.  When I’m aware of feeling like that is days when I’m depressed.  When I’m aware and ignore it… that’s days when I’m depressed around me, but “normal” around everyone else.  I’ve gotten better at this, but I used to really truly hate myself.  Like 100%.  I think now if fluctuates… mostly I think it goes between 30%-50%.

Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.

ALL THE TIME!  The worst was with my dad.  In fact, the first time my therapist told me to put up a boundary with my dad it was this:  I took back my Saturday’s.  I used to put all my housework and errands on hold so I could go help my dad.  Clear up until about four months ago I did this.  I felt so guilty the first Saturday I didn’t go over to help him with whatever he needed help with.  It’s getting easier now, but I am REALLY aware that it’s Saturday and I’m not helping him.

Per usual, I’ll end this with:  I can’t wait to stop feeling these we feelings.  I get so tired of all the guilt I give myself for not being “perfect”!  Someday… someday.

B

I'm not important anyway

I’m so glad it’s Friday!  So I don’t think I have anything to write on in regards to yesterday, so I guess I’ll just jump right into the continuation of my list!

Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

So the example of this I have is when I was dating my husband.  You’d think this story I’m about to tell would have been a HUGE red flag, but it wasn’t.  I just went with it.

I don’t remember exactly what Jon was doing at the time, but I know the result of it was this: I’m a bit of an artist, in that I can do a passable job of various things.  Well, one day I was talking to Jon about something (he was living in Texas at the time, so we were on the phone).  I was just doodling and talking to him – I think it was a flower.  Through the course of the conversation he managed to reject everything I said.  Everything.  So on this doodle, I wrote a message to myself and I actually hung it up on my office wall.  It said, “Don’t forget, it’s NEVER about you.”

Back in 2000-2001 I was dating a guy who was also an alcoholic.  He’s another prime example of the statement above.  If I ever had extra money, he had something new; if he had extra money, he had something new; if we had extra money, he had something new.  I never got anything from that guy.  I remember once I complained about it to him, that I was feeling unappreciated or something along those lines.  Even though we’d been dating a while, he asked me on a proper date, told me to dress up, and that he’d come pick me up at 7:00.  At 8:00 I gave up waiting for him and decided to go find him.  He was an alcoholic, all I had to do was go search the various bars.

Ironically he was at the 1^st bar I checked.  As I walked by his car, I could see he’d bought flowers (that were now wilted from being left in the 90+ degree car) and a card.  I went into the bar and got him and he was so mad.  I remember I loved those flowers, they were the only ones he’d ever given me.  And I think I still have the card.  I don’t remember what happened after that, I’m sure it wasn’t good though.  I was so in love with the idea of a boyfriend that I didn’t stop to think if HE was a good idea.  I was 20ish and he was my first boyfriend ever… no reason, I know, but it was what it was.

Try to please others instead of themselves.

This one we’ve already talked about a bit in my “Perfectionism” post.  But I’m so bad at this, I really am.  I people please so much that I feel guilty if I stand up for myself.  There’s a lady I work with, years ago, as in 10 or 11, I stood up to her for saying I’d had an easy life.  I told her that until she walked a mile in my shoes, she had no grounds of judgment.  Just because my struggles weren’t her struggles didn’t mean they were any less trying.  Every time I see her I want to beg her forgiveness.  Do you think she even still remembers?  No.  But it sometimes keeps me up at night.  I’d love to let that go.

Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

I kind of touched on this yesterday… the whole golden rule thing.  It really does depress me though.  I think this is the reason I eat.  The more I eat the worse I feel, the worse I feel the more I eat… anyway, it makes me feel so anxious.  Like something is wrong with me that no one would want to help me… that I don’t matter for some reason.  I sure hope I can figure this all out soon.  I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds or so in the last 3 weeks.  I’m still under 300 pounds, but… I feel huge.  At my largest I was at 335.  I just wish I could matter.

B

Helping

Happy Thursday!  I ended up having a not so awesome night.  I’m not sure if it was miscommunication or a misunderstanding or what, but there were hurt feelings.  My husband texted me yesterday and shared with me that he’s been really wanting me lately.  As a side note, I’ve been sick since last Monday and we haven’t been intimate since February 13^th.  So when I got the text from him, I was pretty excited.  However, it’s been so long that I was also nervous.  He got home from work and went right in to take a shower.  A while he came back out and told me he wanted to go play video games.  I was sad, but said okay.  A minute later he came back with his notebook and said that he’d just sit out with me in the living room and write a little bit.  When he sat down, I started putting my hand on the page so he couldn’t write… but I was laughing while doing it and I was trying to play around and be silly.  He ended up getting mad at me and really hurting my feelings.  I wanted to go to bed early anyway, so I handed him the remote and went into the bedroom to get ready for bed.  I ended up sitting in the bathroom and crying for a little while… and nothing happened.  It’s weird though, cause I’m relieved in a way, but also really disappointed that he doesn’t want me.

Anyway, on to the list.  I’m actually going to do about 4 things because they pertain to me, but only a little bit. :)

      ·         Feel angry when their help isn't effective.

·         Anticipate other people's needs

·         Wonder why others don't do the same for them.

·         Don't really want to be doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing       things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

The first one:  I don’t necessarily feel angry when my help isn’t effective, you know, that unwanted advice thing we talked about yesterday. :)  Mostly I feel useless, stupid, and (again) unable to do anything right.  I turn it inward instead of outward like the line suggests.

Second:  I do try to anticipate other people’s needs.  I’m a planner and an organizer.  I don’t know that it’s out of control though, because if we deviate from the plan, I don’t mind.  I tend to think of everything though… packing for trips, making dinner, planning meals.  I do every minute detail down to thread and needle.  Outside the box of planning and organizing, I only do the anticipatory thing with my dad.  I think that goes kind of with the whole finishing his sentences… others too… so maybe not just with my dad.  I’ve been trained to be prepared for anyone’s needs.  I carry toothpicks and wet-wipes in my purse for my husband… man, putting on here, it’s stupid that I do it!  Haha :)

Third:  I 100% wonder why others don’t do for me the things I do for them.  I always thought it was the golden rule, but I think it’s mostly that people are selfish and I’ve been thinking of others so long (the family peacekeeper) that I just don’t understand how others can’t do the same thing I do without thinking about it.  My husband is a prime example.  He is not very considerate.  He just doesn’t think about it.  If I went to the grocery store, I’d either ask him if he needed anything or get him something as a surprise, like a candy bar.  He goes to the grocery store and comes back with what he wanted.  Most of the time I don’t even know he went until he comes home with stuff only for him!  He’s getting better, but it’s a struggle we have.

Forth:  This one doesn’t apply in full.  First, I always do my fair share, if not more.  The thing I hate is doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.  I hate it because I do it!  I’ve gotten better with my husband.  Lol  the thing is though, that it’s a worse better.  He doesn’t pick up after himself.  AT ALL.  Never.  I threatened to cut a hole in the middle of the dining room table and put a trashcan there so that maybe he could throw something out.  I was only half joking… cause if it would’ve worked, I’d have done it.  Seriously though, the dining room table is always covered with little bits of trash.  A wrapper from a pill, a candy bar, a paper cup… and the sad thing is, between the table and the trash can is literally two feet of walkway and that’s it.  He wouldn’t even have to MOVE to toss it in.  I got so sick of being his zoo keeper that I stopped.  The house is SO disgusting (okay, it’s not THAT bad, but not how I’d have it if I could!), but I’m making him keep it up.  He lost his job back in January and only last week started a new one, so he was the housekeeper while he was home.

Most of the time, I end up doing it because people don’t do it the way I want it done.  That sounds stupid.  And as I said, my dear husband is helping me learn that there are different ways to do things, but it’s so hard letting go and letting someone else do it not so good and leaving it alone so they think they did well.  Someday I hope to get him up to my standards of clean. :)  Until then, semi-clean and 100% embarrassing when we have a visitor… but he’s proud of keeping up the house.

B

Advice

I know I promised you an Al-Anon topic today, but I don’t have one.  I have a good excuse though! :)  My dad was working in town today and texted me about a half hour before my meeting and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him.  I know I mostly concentrate on him and the things that happen with that… but he’s still my dad and I still really love him.  So my friend went by herself to the meeting and I went to eat with my dad.  The best part of doing that though, besides the obvious part of seeing him and visiting, is that he pays!  WHOO! :)  ANYWAY, I digress.  From the list of codependent behaviors, I’m going to do this one today:  

Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

This one is actually quite interesting because in February I was 100% convinced that I did not do that at all.  In March I changed my tune.  My dear sweet husband and I were talking one night about various things.  He was telling me about something he finds challenging.  I don’t remember what it was.  Anyway, since I read this codependency list, I seem to keep it in the back of my mind.  During this talk with him, I realized I was bombarding him with unwanted advice!  I even stopped mid-sentence and said, “Wait, was I just giving you advice?”  To which he replied, “Yes.”  And I said, “Shoot!”  And told him about this list.  I told him I would work on not offering advice unless he asked for it, but to be lenient with me because it’s a live-long habit I’m going to be trying to break.  Well, since that fateful night, I’ve recognized many other places I do it.

One thing that should be included in this topic, but isn’t is: finishing others sentences.  I feel that it fits in with the other things listed.  It shows impatience with others feelings and when I do it, I’m trying to hurry them along so I can fix whatever issue there is that much sooner.  And here is the inevitable statement:  I know I do it because my dad appreciated it.  My dad would have a hard time finishing thoughts and whatnot.  He said it was because his thoughts moved faster than his mouth.  I finish almost all of his sentences.  I think he liked it because he felt like I understood what he was saying and he was really impatient with people that didn’t understand quick enough.  He still is like that… and, of course, I’ve picked that up too.

You know that furniture you can buy, but you have to put it together?  I lose patience with my poor Jon ALL THE TIME because he just doesn’t understand what I need fast enough.  Growing up helping my dad put crap together, we were on the same wave length because if I didn’t get it, I didn’t get to help.

This one I’m aware of, I’m working on it, and with any luck, it’ll be an old habit I don’t do anymore.  I try SO hard not to cut people off and butt in to help, but sometimes it’s really super hard.

Part two of this thing. :)  I went and asked my friend what the topic of today was in the meeting.  It was, “Let Go and Let God.”  I thought I’d just add a few things in regards to this.  Being raised Christian, in a sect that encourages regular attendance, not just on important holidays, I think I have a pretty good handle on faith and letting go of the reins to let God drive.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy and it doesn’t mean that I don’t fight it every now and again… but I’m usually pretty good about realizing it’s not about me.  God has a path and a plan and it’s in HIS timeframe, not mine.  For a lot of years I was so angry at God.  I felt like I deserved good things because I was a good person.  By good things I mean a husband… or at the very least a boyfriend.  Once I met my husband, I realized why it took so long for me to meet him and why it went the way it did, but while waiting… it sucked bum!

I’m very grateful for the knowledge of God and Christ that I have.  And while I struggled with it for a lot of my 20’s, I’m good now.  And I’m better for my struggles and the things I needed to learn to help me progress.  It actually brings me a lot of comfort knowing that even though I’m a huge disappointment to my Earthly father, my Heavenly Father only has love for me… I’m important to him, he needs me, AND he wants me.

B

Responsibility

I’m back!  Sorry for the hiatus!  I was sick… I had a lovely combo of Strep and Mono!  Yay!  So my friend and I are going to start up with Al-Anon again tomorrow.  I’m so excited!  You’ll get updates from that again.  I also thought I would take time to visit all of the things on that list I provided in my first or second post.  The one about co-dependent traits.  I guess I should say I won’t visit ALL the things on the list, just the ones that pertain to me.  I’m going to try and keep them to one item per day, but if I only have short thoughts about it, I may do two or more.

The first one I’m going to do is:

Codependents may think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

Here’s the thing this immediately brings to mind.  When it comes to other people and their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, and so on; I feel guilty when someone else acts someway that I was taught not to do.  I feel so guilty and embarrassed for them!  And then I feel ashamed that I feel that way for them.  I think I feel ashamed because I know I have no responsibility for others.  The only one I can control is me… but I feel like I should have warned them that whatever they said or did wasn’t appropriate.  The thing is though, I only do this around my father!  Because I was conditioned that I’m the one that keeps daddy happy.  I’m the one that is responsible for his happiness.  And if something someone says is awkward or inappropriate to be said around my father, I get SO embarrassed!

I do pretty good not saying anything to whomever the “offender” was… but I still feel that crap.  I’m so into my role of keeping my dad happy and to keep him from getting angry that I judge how others are according to how he thinks they should be.

This brings to mind another thought… I am horrified at the idea of confronting my dad.  When my mom suggests bringing something up to him, I basically get a full on sobbing panic attack.  I think it’s cause of the stuff above.  I can’t do anything that would bring my dad unhappiness.  I’d rather starve than ask him for help with food.  Because that means admitting I’m not good enough… again… or still.

I wish I knew how to stop doing it.  It’s so annoying to constantly have those emotions flit through my mind.  How do I stop caring so deeply about my dad’s happiness?  I mean, I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to be his happy police anymore.  I’m ready to retire.

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Birthdays and Mattering

My birthday was Saturday.  I have this once a month meal planned with my female cousins that live in this area still.  I wasn’t going to do it until the 18^th or 19^th.  On the 4^th I was talking to one of my cousins and she really wanted to get together on my birthday.  She even convinced me we should invite husbands, children, and parents.  So I put it all together on Facebook, sent out the “event invite”, and waited for event acceptance.  Everyone answered they were coming.  I was so excited, it was going to be so much fun!

Saturday morning came, my husband kept the dogs at bay so I could sleep in.  He took me to breakfast, we went and ran some errands (he even let me browse in the beauty supply shop!), we went home and watched a couple movies, and then we left for the dinner.  While we were watching the 1^st movie, my one cousins wife (the one who convinced me to create the event) texted me and told me that my cousin wasn’t feeling well, so he wouldn’t be coming.  I was sad, but okay.  Then she said that he had a college buddy show up and that he wanted her to stay home too.  THEN she said that my aunt and uncle weren’t coming either because apparently they celebrated Easter yesterday because of work schedules and what not and my aunt and uncle couldn’t come because they were preparing for their party the next day.

Well, with my cousin and his family, and my aunt and uncle not coming, that means that my cousins two sisters and their families wouldn’t be coming either.  It’s how they roll.  So right there, 11 out of my 21 people weren’t coming.

Okay, stuff happens.  So I’m sad, but determined to make the best out of my birthday.  So Jon and I get ready and head over to the restaurant we’re meeting everyone else at.  My parents are there, yay!  My mom brought me some balloons and some cute pin wheels.  We snag a table and wait for my other family to arrive.  Twenty minutes in my dad says he doesn’t want to wait much longer cause he’s hungry.  So we decide to go ahead and order and they could do so when they got there.  An hour later, we were done eating and they still hadn’t shown.  So 4 out of 21 showed up… my parents and my husband.

So, as you can probably guess, I didn’t feel very loved, very important, or very special.  And now, two days later, my devil is telling me that I don’t matter and that none of them ever liked me, let alone loved me enough to even come… half the people didn’t even let me know they weren’t coming!  I’m also doing this whole… “embrace not mattering so it doesn’t hurt so bad” thing.

Months ago, my therapist shared Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with me.  Here’s the info on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

I’m going to copy and paste a section for you too.  Basically, for me, I have the Physiological at about 90%, Safety at about 10%, and none of the rest.  Here’s the section:

Hierarchy

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid with the largest, most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top.^[1][9] While the pyramid has become the de facto way to represent the hierarchy, Maslow himself never used a pyramid to describe these levels in any of his writings on the subject.
The most fundamental and basic four layers of the pyramid contain what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "d-needs": esteem, friendship and love, security, and physical needs. If these "deficiency needs" are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Maslow also coined the term Metamotivation to describe the motivation of people who go beyond the scope of the basic needs and strive for constant betterment.^[10]
The human mind and brain are complex and have parallel processes running at the same time, thus many different motivations from various levels of Maslow's hierarchy can occur at the same time. Maslow spoke clearly about these levels and their satisfaction in terms such as "relative," "general," and "primarily." Instead of stating that the individual focuses on a certain need at any given time, Maslow stated that a certain need "dominates" the human organism.^[11] Thus Maslow acknowledged the likelihood that the different levels of motivation could occur at any time in the human mind, but he focused on identifying the basic types of motivation and the order in which they should be met.

Physiological needs

Physiological needs are the physical requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met, the human body cannot function properly and will ultimately fail. Physiological needs are thought to be the most important; they should be met first.
Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct.^[2]

Safety needs

With their physical needs relatively satisfied, the individual's safety needs take precedence and dominate behavior. In the absence of physical safety – due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, etc. – people may (re-)experience post-traumatic stress disorder or transgenerational trauma. In the absence of economic safety – due to economic crisis and lack of work opportunities – these safety needs manifest themselves in ways such as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, reasonable disability accommodations, etc. This level is more likely to be found in children because they generally have a greater need to feel safe.
Safety and Security needs include:

• Personal security
• Financial security
• Health and well-being
• Safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts

Love and belonging

After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. This need is especially strong in childhood and can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies within this level of Maslow's hierarchy – due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism, etc. – can impact the individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general, such as:

• Friendship
• Intimacy
• Family

According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless if these groups are large or small. For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, and gangs. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others.^[2] Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.

Esteem

All humans have a need to feel respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. Esteem presents the typical human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition. These activities give the person a sense of contribution or value. Low self-esteem or an inferiority complex may result from imbalances during this level in the hierarchy. People with low self-esteem often need respect from others; they may feel the need to seek fame or glory. However, fame or glory will not help the person to build their self-esteem until they accept who they are internally. Psychological imbalances such as depression can hinder the person from obtaining a higher level of self-esteem or self-respect.
Most people have a need for stable self-respect and self-esteem. Maslow noted two versions of esteem needs: a "lower" version and a "higher" version. The "lower" version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may include a need for status, recognition, fame, prestige, and attention. The "higher" version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. For example, the person may have a need for strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, and freedom. This "higher" version takes precedence over the "lower" version because it relies on an inner competence established through experience. Deprivation of these needs may lead to an inferiority complex, weakness, and helplessness.
Maslow states that while he originally thought the needs of humans had strict guidelines, the "hierarchies are interrelated rather than sharply separated".^[5] This means that esteem and the subsequent levels are not strictly separated; instead, the levels are closely related.

Self-actualization

Main article: Self-actualization

"What a man can be, he must be."^[12] This quotation forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need refers to what a person's full potential is and the realization of that potential. Maslow describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be.^[13] Individuals may perceive or focus on this need very specifically. For example, one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent. In another, the desire may be expressed athletically. For others, it may be expressed in paintings, pictures, or inventions.^[14] As previously mentioned, Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them.

My goal is to someday have at least 50% in all categories… but I don’t know how to do it without others helping me… and if I don’t matter, I have no hope of ever being whole.

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