Confrontation

Hi! So I've been working on my new "12 Step" program. It gets quite deep into my specific religious beliefs and, as I said before, I don't really want this to be too much about religion; I've decided to just put the basics of what I'm doing and not just answer the questions on here. Unless there's a particularly good one I want to share. :)

During last week's meeting, I gave voice to the thought that I was mad at God. Basically blaming Him for everything in my life that's not gone how I planned. Which we all know is prideful and I should strive to align my will with His. Well, last night I had the first (of many, many, MANY conversations) with God. I told Him I was mad at Him. I asked Him why I didn't deserve to be loved or wanted or important. I asked Him why others deserved that, but I didn't. There were other things I asked. Mostly that was the accusatory conversation and now I need to meditate on that and go in again. I told Him that I deserved love and that I didn't understand why I didn't get happiness or other "goals" I had set (like motherhood) while those around me that are horrible mothers or whatnot get the thing that I've craved my whole life. Anyway, there was a lot of talking, crying, mental hugging, and basically He took it like a champ. :)

I've never put voice to all of the stuff I said to Him and I feel like that was an important first step. To just finally acknowledge my pain instead of pushing it down because I'm not supposed to feel that kind of stuff toward God. You know what, I'm not the first and I'm definitely not the last, but at least I have the means to get this settled and actually be the happy bubbly person I let the world see.

I think I've forgiven and moved on from most (if not all) of the hurts in my life, but I've blamed the Lord for them and never confronted Him. Anyway, we'll see how this goes, where it goes, and what happens next. Hopefully I'll continue to report good things. :)

B

Honesty Pt. 2

In my group, we're on "step 3," but since I started with one, I figured I'd do my personal work where I'm at and just keep up with the group separately. :)

So this next sub-topic is "Hunger and Thirst." Question 1: Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry? What causes that emptiness? My answer is yes, I do feel empty inside. Mine is caused by not feeling loved or important; like I matter.

Question 2: How can your hunger for things of the Spirit help you be more honest? Having the Lord's presence with you gives you a lighter heart, it makes me happier, and less likely to dwell on the bad. As for helping me be more honest; I think I'm okay in that regard. :)

Sub-topic: Honesty. Question 1: Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos"? I don't think this question really applies to me, although, by being codependent, I give others power they shouldn't have and because of that, there is all sorts of resentment, anger, and other things built up because I try fighting the power I've given away.

I once had a friend that would take selfies. In these pictures, she would do whatever she could to enhance her cleavage. Great, good for you. But then, when she got the response she wanted (because c'mon, no one has THAT much cleavage shown who DOESN'T want attention for it) she would yell at all the boys that "noticed" and tell them she was more than her cleavage and that they shouldn't be looking, she has a boyfriend and blah, blah, blah. I think what I do is a lot like that. "Treat me like an adult, quit using me and underappreciating me, but… well… do you think you could control my life anyway?" So, I guess in that way I create chaos, but it isn't because I'm being dishonest; it's because I don't know how to not do it… I have a hard time with boundaries because I don't want the people I love to be hurt.

Sub-topic: Humility. Question 1: it quotes a scripture (since I'm trying to keep the religion thing neutral – just centered on Christ) I'm not going to give the reference: 

Because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.

Write about the circumstances that have compelled you to humility and to seek repentance. What hope does this scriptures give you? How can you find or receive that hope? I don't know that it was humility and repentance that compelled me, but it was a need to get rid of the "ugly" in my life. I was so tired of feeling used, unwanted, unloved, my compulsion was to fix myself. I wanted to be self-sustaining, self-loving, not dependent on someone else to be important. Now, the scripture, it's basically saying, if you try, you'll be rewarded. Well, if you try with God in mind and trying to align yourself with His will, then you'll be rewarded. :)

Last question; sub-topic "The Lord's delight," – Question 1: "Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his delight" – writing the answers to these questions has called for a deep level of honesty about yourself. How does this passage of scripture relate to this kind of honesty? How can you become the Lord's delight? This passage relates because I had to be honest with myself. No more rationalizing, pretending, or ignoring. I can become the Lord's delight by continuing on this path… continue to improve, be honest with myself (and with the Lord) and truly do what I can to be better.

So this is the end of Step 1. I can already see changes in my husband from the time he admitted his issues to me to now. I think this is going to be such a good thing for me, for him, and for our marriage. I think it'll put God at the top of our marriage, where before He was trailing behind. I'm so excited to see where we'll be a year from now… even 6 months from now. I'm glad I stopped with the list; it was dragging me down to dwell on it. I need to focus on the positive and getting better. Not focusing on the past and all the wrongs.

B

Honesty

In talking with our church leader about Jon's addiction, we learned a lot of things. Our particular church has an addiction recovery program and I am actually quite excited about. It's like AA, but more focused on Christ and His atonement and how to apply it and work it.

I've also been thinking about my past posts. I think it was maybe a bit of a mistake to dwell on the list… it pulled down instead of up because I didn't know where to go with it. SO, I've decided I'm going to work this program my church leader gave us and I'm going to do it with all of my being! :)

The first "step" of this program is Honesty. It has a little section to read, then it has questions at the end. I'm just going to answer the questions on here, but if anyone is reading and would like more information regarding this program, please feel free to contact me via the comments section. I will be more than happy to help.

There are several sections of questions, each in its own little sub-section. The first section is "Encompassed by temptations." The question is: Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often? Yes, I feel encompassed and trapped. I mostly feel this way when I do something incorrectly, if I mess up, or if I'm overwhelmed emotionally. All of those things make me feel anxious and THAT is when I feel the most trapped and the most encompassed… and that is when I start searching for food to stuff into my face. Just trying to get rid of the anxious feeling.

Question 2: What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave in to your addiction? It's mostly when I feel less than or not good enough. I feel beaten down, like nothing matters, and I do my best to console myself.

Question 3: What can you do to place more trust in the Lord? I don't know. I think a lot of my hurt and pain I've "blamed" the Lord for. Pointed the finger, if you will. Blessings come when we live righteously, right? I've tried and tried and tried to live righteously and do the things I'm supposed to, but I can never measure up. I never get the blessings that others get. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. I'm 35 and overweight. Chances are, the mother thing isn't going to happen. But why? Am I so horrible that I don't deserve the things I see others getting? I guess I still have quite a bit of anger… I know it's on the Lord's timeline and not mine and I need to be patient and have faith, but it's so so so hard.

Next section is "I know that man is nothing." This talks about Moses. The first question is: How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents? Well, a child is of infinite worth because they are innocent and loving and trustworthy and untainted by the sins of the world. The "still be nothing when compared to the parents"… I'm not so sure about. Maybe it because a child can't do the work for Christ like an adult can. The phrase heading this section comes from a part where Moses gets to spend time with the Lord… I think it's because Moses finally sees how small he really is in God's infinite timeline. Comparing myself to Moses gets a bit dangerous because Moses was very important in God's timeline… and maybe I will be too, but chances are I'm nothing when compared to my parents, and they're nothing when compared to theirs all the way back to a turning point in God's timeline. But going forward, maybe I am a pivotal point. Children are the future and they ensure God's plan going where he needs to be… each generation is important until it isn't. What an interesting topic!

Question 2: In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God? You can't be any help to his timeline, you can't help progress the world to where it needs to be.

Question 3: In what ways are you of infinite worth? Well, without me, something's that needed to happen may not have. Example, my parents wouldn't have me in their lives, I don't know what would have been different for them to have only two children. Regardless of me doing anything "great" I'm still important for the timeline as a whole. The worth of a soul is great in the eyes of the Lord.

#4: Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child: I'm not more important than the Lord. He has a timeline regardless of my wants. I wanted to be married right out of high school, but if I'd just jumped in with the first guy, I'd never have met my husband… I'd never have been the pivotal point in his life to get out of his drowning situation. Sure it's been hard for us, but he and I contemplate where he'd be without me… and neither one of us imagines anything better than where he was. 

I think I'm going to stop off here… there's still several sections, but this is getting long! :) I'll write more later. This has been quite eye-opening!

B

Cha-cha-cha-changes

A few changes this week. My husband and I talked on Tuesday about his porn addiction. He called and made an appointment with our church leader to seek out help. We've been reading online about porn withdrawal symptoms (yes, surprisingly, they do exist!) and we've been talking. I think I've finally convinced him it's okay to tell me how he's feeling, I won't judge him. I know it's a struggle. Yesterday he texted me with all sorts of things and I'm so glad that I'm open-minded enough to be here for him when he needs it most.

Well, since he's working on his issues and I've been reading up on it online, I've had a change in me too. I'm sure you know (based on old posts) that I've never quite felt like Jon was attracted to me. After reading online all the various things that happen with a porn addiction, I've bought myself some relief. Thinking he wasn't attracted to me… there was only one place to point the finger of blame. Knowing about this though… now porn can get the finger (haha) and I can be relieved thinking maybe my husband is attracted to me. It will be interesting to see how our dynamic changes in the next few months. After realizing the extent of his "damage," I can see that this has gone on a LONG time and that it's been very damaging in our marriage. Even while we were dating.

I was going to do some list items today, but I'm not feeling it. After days, months, years of feeling less than, I actually feel like there's light at the end of my tunnel and I'm anxious to get to it. I'm excited for it… excited for what me and Jon can be.

B

Daddy Issues

My dad sent me a text on the 31st of May and asked if I wanted to get a pedicure. After the fiasco of last time, I was really surprised to hear from him. Thinking he wanted to spend time with me, I said, "Yes!" He wrote back later and told me the appointment was at 3:00 at a local salon. Tuesday the 3rd of June, I went to lunch with my mom and I thanked her for telling my dad to invite me to get a pedicure. She denied anything to do with it and then said, "He asked me if I wanted to go with him, Kim (a girl he works with), and you." Then she said, "He does so much with Kim, I think he wishes SHE was one of his daughters."

Ouch. But I was determined to not let that bother me. It was an innocent enough comment. Friday the 6th I reminded Jon I was going and he asked if he could come. He actually had the day off. So I called the salon and added one more to our appointment. Then I texted my dad and told him I'd added Jon. He said okay. Saturday came and we went over to my parents to go to the salon with them. We got there, there were six chairs, one not working (right in the middle). So here's how we sat: Kim, my dad, my mom, empty chair, Jon, and me. Dad introduced her as his adopted daughter, then introduced mom, Jon, then me.

In my head I know that none of that really matters and there was nothing else going on in my dad's head; but in my heart, I'm crushed. Why can't my dad like me? Why can't he want to spend time with me? But at the same time, screw him. I don't want to be around people that don't want me. I don't want to have to force someone to pay attention to me. So whatever.

I just noticed, the end of the previous paragraph? That's me trying to do my numb thing. I want to just pretend I don't have a dad and move on. But I can't do that, I need to not do that. I need to deal with my feelings. I've tried though. I did everything I possibly could when I was a kid (even now) to try and get my father's approval. I put off things I wanted to do in order to do the things he was doing. Because of that, I can build you almost anything out of wood, I can do most all basic maintenance on my car (by myself), I can install carpet, I know how to build a fence and mix my own cement, I have muscles where I don't want them because I worked out with him, I know how to shoot a gun and I have pretty darn good aim, I can chop wood, start a camp fire with steel wool, and burp, fart, and be crude with the best of them. I wasn't a girl. I was a boy, trying to get my dad to like me. But no matter what I did, nothing. No approval, no attention, no love, no affection, nothing.

My poor mom. She had to compensate for my dad. She was an emotional single parent. But my sisters were crazy teens and consumed my mom's every moment. So not only did I try super hard with my dad, but because of my sisters, my mom didn't have time for me. So I had two present/absent (to me) parents. Add to that everyone hating on my weight, I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not worth anything to anyone unless I'm skinny, but then I'm afraid that if I get skinny, I still won't be worth anything, so what's the point of all the work? I'm pretty healthy, all things considered… why work hard for all of that when the only thing people will notice after I've dropped it all that I dropped it all. They still won't love me, they still won't care about me, and all I've done is brought attention to myself and fake people pretending to love me.

I wish I could work hard, lose the weight, and still have people ignore me. Maybe that's why I'm holding onto it… I don't want the attention. I don't want it pointed out that me, personally, is only worth love, attention, and mattering if I'm skinny. Because then it's not ME that matters, it's my body that matters. It's not ME they love, it's my body they love. It's not ME they want to talk to, it's my body that gets the attention. Maybe that's why I like being fat; I'm invisible. Not memorable. It keeps proving to myself that I don't matter. Even if I was skinny, I still wouldn't matter. I'd just be in a prettier package.

B

Letter to my Dad

I often like to employ the old, "write a letter to someone and don't send it" therapy ploy to help myself deal with emotions that would otherwise go ignored.  Here's a letter I've written for my dad.  No list items today. :)

Dad,

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about various things from my childhood.  I’m writing you a letter instead of talking to you because I don’t want you to feel like I’m accusing you of anything or that I’m blaming you.

The incident that has been most prevalent in my mind happened while we were living on Jeri.  I was 10 or 11 and Shawn came over to our house with Ashley.  I remember she was old enough to walk and a little chatter.  Anyway, Shawn said he wanted to talk to you and asked that I watch Ashley.  I remember playing with her in the backyard, but she wanted her dad really bad.  She managed to wiggle free of me and ran into the house.  I chased after her, but didn’t catch up until she’d already gotten to Shawn.  I reached in to grab her and take her back outside when Shawn said, “How am I supposed to talk to your dad with your fat body in the way??”

I was mortified.  I remember looking at you, thinking you’d say something to him because that was not okay.  But you just looked back at me.  I was 10 or so, I didn’t know what was going on and still have no idea.  I’ve always wondered though, why didn’t you stand up for me?  Why didn’t you tell him it wasn’t okay to say something like that to your 10 year old daughter?  Why did you silently agree with him that I was less than and send me on my way with a crying baby?  Didn’t I deserve protection?  Didn’t you love me and want people to be respectful?

I feel like I’ve tried my whole life to do one thing that you’d be proud of me for.  Just one little thing that would make you love me.  No matter what I do that love is never offered.  So there are two possibilities.  One, it’s me.  I’m unloveable.  Or two, it’s you.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  I feel like you’ve always liked me, but you’ve never loved me.  You’d yell at me, spank me, and send me to bed early if I talked back to mom, but Shawn disrespects me and you just sit there.  Why didn’t Shawn deserve to be yelled at?

Now, I don’t feel like anyone cares for me.  I don’t feel like anyone loves me.  Not you, not mom, not even Jon.  I feel like a huge screw-up, that I can’t do anything right by anyone, and that no one wants to be with me or even needs me.  I’m not important to anyone.  I think I could disappear tomorrow and no one would care.  Why is it okay for me to feel like this?  Why don’t I deserve to be loved or to matter?  That’s really not okay.  I don’t know if I can be friends with you or be around you.  We’ll have to see what the future holds.

Sincerely,

Becki

Happy?

The other day I mentioned that I'd been thinking about what I expect from others and what not. I've been thinking about that some more and how it applies to my lunch hour and the absence of company. That's when I feel like no one wants to be around me and that no one likes me. Anyway, I was thinking, how can I expect them to always ask me to go out and I never ask them. I think the answer is that if I don't ask them, they haven't technically rejected me and if they don't ask me, they've just got something better to do, which confirms my self-talk of how horrible I am.

New topic. I am not, in any way, shape, or form, part of the selfie movement. I don't even like regular photographs taken of me. The other day, I took a selfie because I wanted to compare the make-up on my eyes and it's hard to do with a mirror. I decided I liked the picture (mostly) and used my phones editing software to make myself really like it… I slimmed my cheeks, widened my eyes, airbrushed my face. Lol It was kind of fun, actually. Anyway, Jon used to complain that I never send him pictures and that I won't let him take them either. So I decided I'd send it to him. When he got it, he looked at it, chuckled a little, and said, "Did you use that fish eye lens effect on your eyes?" I said, "No…" He said, "Oh." And went back to playing his video game. This did two things. One, made me feel like I was ugly because he didn't like it. Two, confirmed my thoughts that he doesn't find me attractive.

The next day I asked him about it. Or rather I apologized for sending it to him. He told me not to worry about it, that he thought I was super pretty, and blah, blah, blah. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. I'd already been having a hard time wanting to "be" with him and this just sealed it. Every time he'll want me, I'll feel like it's for pity. Not because he actually wants me.

Today's list items are under the category of "Dependency". There are quite a few under this topic that apply to me, so it'll be a couple entries. I'll try to keep the topics together. :)

1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
2. Look for happiness outside themselves.
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of anything or person they think proves their happiness.

These can all be summed up with one word. Yes. I feel pretty optimistic my readers understand me by now. :) It's time for me to head home for the day, so I'm sorry for cutting this short. But I feel like I've covered what needed to be covered.

B

Denial

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I expect from people, why I don't get what I need from them, and why I keep trying when I never get what I'm after. I've also been thinking about my childhood and what happened that suddenly I wasn't getting what I needed. And guess what I've come up with. A giant pile of nothing. :)

I've been thinking about what I'm waiting for Jon to give me before I feel like he wants me, needs me, and I'm important to him. There are the garden-variety answers like, "I want him to want to spend time with me." Or, "Our sex life needs help." But then I think, why do I have to wait for him to give me the feelings I need in order to feel like a full person? That answer is easy; I don't have to wait. But I'm not sure I know how to do it for myself either. I was doing pretty good while I was in therapy, but honestly… I think it's because my therapist believed in me and gave me what I needed. Will I ever be whole? I need to get the guts to just go to Al-Anon alone.

I've also been thinking about my husband's porn thing and what that means to me as the spouse of an addict to porn. I've been on Google a lot and really haven't found anything that has comforted me the way I've been wanting comfort. Because I am active in my religion I've been hesitant to talk to anyone about it because I don't want people to get all judgy about it. I just want to reach out to others that are going through or have been through this. Because of this addiction, I haven't felt like being intimate with Jon in months. I feel like we're best friends and room-mates, not husband and wife. Like I don't want to kiss him… I don't mind hugs and hand holding, but anything more than that… I haven't wanted it from him in a long time. That makes me quite sad actually. I'm hoping the door hasn't closed on this part of our relationship, but I'm really afraid that it has. He gets really upset whenever I bring this stuff up and he shuts down rather quickly, so I'm left without anywhere to turn and no one to connect with. It's really hard.

Today's list items come from the category of… Denial!

1. Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
2. Get depressed or sick.
3. Spend money compulsively.
4. Overeat.
5. Pretend those things aren't happening either.
6. Believe lies.
7. Lie to themselves.
8. Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.

I decided to just leave them like that and just talk about them because they usually all pertain to each other anyway. We've already talked about #1, the whole going numb thing. I don't do #2 as frequently, I think I end up there when it gets bad enough, but I don't usually stay. The worst one in my life was from about 2000 to 2007. The thing that made it so bad was that I didn't even know I was depressed. That was when I was doing my online thing. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not. I took to the internet because I could be the person I knew I was. Meaning a different shell. I thought if I could get someone to love ME, that what I looked like wouldn't matter. Basically I was setting myself up to be depressed for a while… guy after guy after guy left me and stopped talking to me once I told them what I really looked like; but that just fed into my original thing of being fat to protect myself. Cause people loved me until they saw I was fat, then I wasn't worth anything… again. Or still.

Number 3 I did more of when I was younger and living at home still. After I moved out on my own, that stopped because I didn't have as much spending money as I did while at home. I bought an electronic rolodex. Guess how much I used it. Once to put everybody's info into it, then never again. That was before cell phones. :) Number 4 we've established. And number 5 I did a lot of until recently. Number 6 I did. Until my ex-boyfriend (the alcoholic). Right before I met him, I was semi-dating someone. My very favorite cousin in the whole wide world came to town and within six months they were married. In the middle of all of that is when I met my alcoholic. Anyway, after all that, I guess I've become cynical. I don't really believe anything. I used to be super trusting.

Number 7 I do constantly. After all, no one loves me, no one wants me, I'm not important to anyone and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, those lies I believe. Number 8 is weird because it comes and goes. Mostly I wonder if I'm normal. I wonder why no one likes me and if it's because I'm fat and ugly and stupid. Sometimes though, I do feel like I'm going crazy. Those are the times I feel super overwhelmed with everything.

I was going to mention, I didn't write Saturday like I said because my dear sweet husband was home sick. He's caught a sinus infection. It sucks cause I was really looking forward to my time alone. Lol Oh well. He hasn't been to work since Friday night. Cutting it tight! Hopefully we'll get it figured out. :)

Happy Tuesday!

B