Deep Breath!

As you know, I've been working the steps of my new program. Which, by the way, is MUCH easier than trying to do the steps in Al-Anon. This program is more structured and made more sense to me. Al-Anon was really confusing and I don't think I'd be much farther than I was if I hadn't had this program to show me how to make it work for me! Lol But I digress.

Tuesday we talked about the restitution step. I hadn't thought I was there yet, but by the way it spoke to me, I think I am. During the meeting, one of the gals shared that she had a hard time with this step because she felt she had been more harmed than harmful. I identified with that. Through the course of her recovery, she realized that if there are feelings of resentment, there was harm. Which instantly brought me to thoughts of my uncle and his long ago declaration of my size. And just like that, I had my answer on how to approach him and put this behind me.

Here's my game plan:

1. Sit down with him and explain that I'm in this program. I need to explain that I'm on the restitution step and that I owe him an apology.
2. Explain the situation as I remember it.
3. Explain to him that I let the experience build a wall between us and as a result, I'd had my guard up around him for 25ish years.
4. Tell him I'm sorry for letting it build to that and that I hope he can forgive me for holding it against him all these years.I called my mom and asked if she'd go with me. Not because I'm scared of my uncle or whatever, but because I'd appreciate a loving hand. I know Jon would go with me, but I'm afraid he'd try to protect me too much and I won't be able to get what I need to move on. She said she would be happy to come.

I'm nervous, but not because of this. I'm nervous because once I talk with my uncle, I think the only unrest I'll really have left is my dad. Which means I'll have to start praying about him and figuring out how to lay all my issues to rest and to move on. I have the feeling it'll end up being a lot like the way I'm going to be addressing the issue with my uncle. We'll see though. At the idea of talking to my uncle, I have this feeling of freedom. Like I'm finally out from under that judgment of me. I still feel a little tied down, but I think that's because I haven't actually talked to him though. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be done!

B

New Day

When I got home last night, my husband told me his sister-in-law had been talking to him all day. He recommended to her that she should talk with me. Last night I told him that I didn't think it would ever happen. Well, color me wrong. This morning she started talking to me again! It's been two years. She started it off with an apology. It really meant a lot to me.

She and I talked about the various things going on and the things that had happened. It made me sad for a relationship that could have been. We wasted two years based on someone else's lies. I feel so bad for her and the road she has in front of her. It will not be easy, nice, or fun. I offered our help in anything she may need, but I know it's not enough. And we can't help financially which is probably where she'll need it the most.

I'm glad we were able to purge our lives of the poison, but I feel bad that it fell on others. I think Jon's taking it quite hard because he sees what's happening, but can't do anything to stop it. His family does not respect him in the least. It'll be interesting to see this play out. In the meantime, my SIL and I have reconciled and I've been re-added as a friend on Facebook! Yay! :)

B

Forgiveness

Sorry it's been so long! Summer always manages to get away from me. Busy times.

I'm LOVING the Al-Anon program my church does. I've already grown so much. I still have a long ways to go, but I feel so much lighter. I think I was holding onto a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have been.

Two years ago, my husband and I let his mother come stay with us for a while. She was here four months. She came Memorial Day Weekend 2012 and left the end of September 2012. She did several things while she was here, but I'll start with the first thing. I'm all about respectfulness and boundaries (where I can). The first night she was here, Jon and I went with her to the store and we bought her shampoo, conditioner, all the toiletries she would need to be comfortable in our home. About two weeks later, I noticed my shampoo was running dry a full 10 days before it was supposed to (long story on how I know the timing, lol). I said something to Jon, wondering if he used it. I don't care who was using it, I just needed to know so I could buy enough to cover everyone for the month. He said he wasn't. He asked his mom and she said she wasn't either. This continues on for a few weeks when I start noticing other things. She's rearranging my house. Moving the kitchen around, changing where the towels are stored, and taking blankets that went somewhere else. She kept denying the shampoo thing, which made me furious! If she's lying about SHAMPOO, what else is she lying about?!

I tried talking to Jon again only to have him defend her. Up until the day she left she denied using it. I'm quite sarcastic and asked if maybe we have a burglar that comes in every day and slowly empties all my shower bottles one use at a time. She said that was the most sensible answer. REALLY??? Instead of admitting that yes, I used your shampoo without asking so you ran out and had none… instead of that, she said the burglar theory was the right one.

She was really hard on my marriage. We'd only been married 7 months when she came. With hind sight, I can see I should have dealt with this differently, but I didn't… so what's done is done. :) I kept telling her she was making things tough between Jon and I in the hopes that she'd get the hint and leave. Instead, she took it as gospel and told my husband I was leaving him. Then she handed him a bottle of Xanax and a bottle of Ambien! That was a long night in the ER. He since has said he should have known better, that I wouldn't ask her to give him the message that I'm divorcing him… but c'mon! I sent her packing three nights later. The only reason she didn't leave that night is because Jon wanted to spend time with her before she left.

The whole point of that story was to say that today, she succeeded in ending a marriage. Luckily it wasn't mine! Unluckily, Jon's brother and his wife are filing for a divorce. They have two little boys and it breaks my heart to know those boys will be raised the way Jon was raised. I thank the Lord every day for finally opening my husband's eyes to see the poison that his family is. I feel so bad for him, not having the love and support of his family. That would just kill me. He's got my family though. Luckily they give him the love and support he doesn't get from his own. It's nice, but I know it hurts him that it doesn't come from his family. My heart aches for anyone going through problems, but especially for the people suffering by the hand of another. I have never met a more manipulating woman in my entire life. Every time I feel like I may be able to move on and welcome her back into our lives, she does something like this.

I mostly feel really bad for the woman. She is 54 this year and has nothing. She's gone from kid to kid to kid destroying their lives in her wake. I'm so thankful Jon and I were spared. I think this is a good lesson about forgiving though. Just because you forgive doesn't mean you should be duped into something again. Forgive, but maybe don't forget everything…

B