Facing my fear

A couple things. First, I was the only one in my group meeting last night. This is the second week in a row. I haven't decided yet if I like it or hate it, but it is interesting to be alone. Second, I couldn't sleep last night. I had a nice hour forty-five nap from 10:30-12:15, then I was awake until about 4:30, slept till 6:00, was up to potty, back to sleep, and up with my alarm at 6:45. Boo. :(

During my wakeful period, I had time to contemplate things I've been avoiding. How much will it cost to fix the car? Did the software update on my tablet fix my Bluetooth connectivity issues? Why am I avoiding this new book that I have? Now, if you're a betting person, I'll bet you can figure out which one I'm going to talk about. ;)

This new book. I've started it, stopped it, started it, stopped it… and until last night I never thought of it again. Well, last night, the situation reminded me of when I avoided doing my resentment list. I realized that I truly believe this book can and will help me. And that scares the poop out of me! It was different with the resentment list, because that created a "hole" no one else could see. But if this book fixes me and I lose my "fat blanket," then what? It's mildly terrifying to think of facing the world without any protection, so to speak.

So tonight, armed with a pencil, highlighters, and a notebook, I'm going to start reading the book again. And I'm not going to stop until it's done. This facing-my-fears thing sucks. It's really hard, but I will do this.

B

And the truth shall set you free…

On Friday, my husband told me his college class was canceled. I was busy helping my mom with my dad so I didn't really pay attention to it. But his explanation put me off a little at the time. Well, when I came to work yesterday, I finally had a moment to think about it. Years ago, because of stuff he and I went through, I made him give me the passwords to all his stuff. I logged into his email yesterday afternoon because his instructor always emails Jon when class is canceled. I found the email, but it was FROM Jon TO the teacher. Jon told him his mouth was still hurting and that he was going to be missing class again.

I had the conversation with Jon on Thursday regarding my new boundary with lies. He did this Friday. I texted him and asked him if school had really be canceled or if he'd just not gone. He said it was canceled. I asked if he missed class because his teacher canceled it or if he missed because of his tooth. He finally came back and said it was because of his tooth. I said, "So you lied." He said yes. I said okay and left it at that.

I sat at work and agonized over what to do. I had been so adamant about the boundary when I put it up – how would it make me look if I didn't uphold it? I got home, he was watching TV before he left for school. I went back into the bedroom and changed. When I came out, I said, "I don't want to do this, but I was 100% clear with you what would happen if you lied. So I was wondering what all you want me to leave on the couch for you tonight."

He got mad at me. Started making excuses. When that didn't work, he started accusing me of stuff. When that didn't work, he shut down and left. I told him to have a good class and that I loved him, he said bye and shut the door. I felt horrible all evening. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't put up with this treatment either. He called me around 9:30 on a break and he actually talked to me. We talked about the night apart and how he has to own his mistakes and take the consequences. Making excuses are for kids trying to get out of trouble, not adults dealing with their poor decision. I told him that this lie was worse because he knew what was going to happen, but he took the risk that I wouldn't find out. So not only did he lie, but he withheld the truth, AND he forced me to lie to my parents because I thought it was truth.

I cleaned up the living room for him. I folded his blanket, took his pillows out, and got him some sleeping pills because I knew he'd have a hard time sleeping without me. Then the dogs and I went into the bedroom and didn't emerge until this morning. I slept horribly. Tossed and turned all night. Jon said he slept horribly too. I'm glad I stuck to my guns because now he knows I mean business. This morning he told me he was going to try his hardest to always be honest with me. I think this was him testing me to see if I'd deliver the consequences I said I would. It was so hard to follow through, but I think in the long run, it'll be best for our marriage. I just hope he doesn't lie to me again…

B

Singing the Blues

Once again, I have an issue from over the weekend. And once again I'll write/vent about it here. And I'm sure, once again, I'll listen to more sermons online and come up with some awesome lesson I needed to learn. Can't we just skip over everything and get to the lesson? I know we can't, but it would sure be nice. Sometimes I wish I could be done learning things, but then I realize I never will be done. And so, onto the next solution!

My dad had knee surgery last week. He came home from the hospital Friday. I took some time off Friday afternoon to help my mom get him settled. When Jon went to work Saturday, I went back over to play games with him and entertain him somewhat. On Sunday Jon and I went over after church so my mom could go to church. We brought some leftover pot roast with us and we ended up making a yummy stew for dinner and just hung out all day with my folks.

Jon wasn't feeling very well and asked me to drive. Well, all the fun has passed now and we're ready to head home. We get in the car and start driving. Earlier that day I'd changed from mp3's over to the radio because I like to listen to a local station that plays church songs. When we got into the car to head home, the station had switched over to its regular programming, which, at night, just happens to be love songs. So we're driving home and enjoying some Genesis, Journey, and when we're about two blocks from home, Celine Dion's song, "My Heart Will Go On," came on. I LOVE that song! I turned it up and was just belting it out, I was so happy! When we got closer to home I begged Jon to let me drive around a little more until the song was over, because I really wanted to sing it all out. He relented and said yes. HOORAY!!!

I bypassed our street and headed back up the road, singing my little heart out. I glanced over at Jon and he has this horrible sour puss look on his face. I said something like, "Thanks for letting me do this! I know you're not a huge fan of this song." And I kept singing. As I headed back home again, the song wound its way down. During a music only part, I glanced at Jon again to just share the joy of the moment. If it was possible, I think his sour look was even more sour. It just killed my spirit. I sort of mumbled out the last few sentences of the song, then turned the radio down and headed home in relative silence.

Then the fight came. Why did I turn down the music? He hates that song. He wasn't making a sour face. He didn't rain all over my parade. I'm the one starting the fight and yelling at him.

Sure, whatever. We got home, I went to change. When I came out, he said he was sorry. Not the kind of sorry where he means it, but the kind of sorry where he just doesn't want me to be mad at him anymore. I told him it was fine (again!) and told him to just forget about it. He left to go play his video game and I sat on the couch watching TV and wanting to be anywhere but at home with him.

When I went in to go to bed, he apologized again. I asked him if he even understood why it had upset me and he explained it… so I guess he did understand. It still felt not real though. I told him all was forgiven and turned on Candy Crush Saga on my phone. After a minute I said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes. I said, "Why do you start a fight when you know you did the thing that upset me, you knew you were doing it, and you didn't stop and then you take it out on me?" He said he didn't understand the question. So I said, "When I asked if I could sing the song, why did you agree if you knew you hated it, if you knew you'd sit there and be grumpy instead of sharing in my happiness, when you knew you'd just use it to start a fight about something else?"

Do you know what he said? He said, "I wasn't being grumpy." Oh, okay. My mistake. If someone I love is singing a song I can't stand, but they're so into it and they're loving it, I smile at them and sort of dance around, maybe even belting out some of the words, if I know them. But not Jon. He couldn't even let me have 3 minutes and 46 seconds of happiness and joy.

I don't know what he's really irritated about that made him start that fight, but it really worries and scares me that he couldn't put aside his feelings for 5 minutes to let me feel some joy and to perhaps share in that joy with me. It was so great at first, but now I wish that song hadn't come on the radio.

Don't despair. As I said earlier, I'm sure I'll get the answer in a few days. I can't wait for these lessons to be done with.

B

Boundaries

At Tuesday's meeting, the discussion mostly revolved around boundaries and how to get people to stick to them. Also, how hard it is to enforce them when broken. I didn't realize it at the time, but this had really gotten me thinking. Tuesday I took the day off because my husband had a wisdom tooth removed. I stayed home with him and took care of him. Wednesday, I returned to work, thinking he would too, but he decided he hurt too much and that he was going to take another day. Thursday he works 2-8. I came home at 5 to find him sitting on the couch. I asked him if he'd gone to work and he said he tried going in at 1:00, but ended up leaving at 4:00. He was in his jeans, I was kind of suspect, but decided to let it go.

I went into the bedroom to change. We have a long hallway of closet in the master bedroom. There are two half doors and one set of full doors, so three openings. One half door is Jon's, the other is mine. My half door was open. About a month ago, Jon asked me to hide his video games from him so he'd have that time to study instead of goofing off. When I spotted the door, I went back out to the living room and said, "Two things: one, why is my closet door open?" He said, "Uhhh.." I said, "You tried to find your video games, didn't you?" He said yes. I said, "Two, you didn't really go into work, did you?" He said no.

I took a moment to breathe, then I shared with him what my group had talked about on Tuesday. I told him I was sick of his lies and that I'm putting up a clear and unnegotiable boundary. I told him that if he told me a lie, starting after this conversation, he was going to be spending the night not in our bed. I didn't care if it was on the couch, the spare bed in the 2nd bedroom, or on the floor. It just wasn't going to be with me. Then, I said, if he chose to lie to me again and again and again, each night would be spent not with me. After five consecutive nights not spent with me, if he lied the 6th day, he was going to spend a night outside of our home. I didn't care where, friends, family, whatever. Then I told him that if he lied to me the 7th day, we would discuss the parameters of a trial separation.

I made sure he understood what I meant, I made sure he understood I meant business, and THEN I told him that because of his lying, I don't feel like he respects me, I don't trust him, and it's putting a big strain on our marriage. I told him that I didn't deserve to be lied to. And I asked him why, after a couple years of being married, he suddenly decided he couldn't tell me the truth any more. He didn't really have an answer. I think he finally understood how much I despise his lies and that I will not put up with them in our home.

I hate having to put this boundary up. I shouldn't have to demand my spouse be honest with me. Anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I keep praying for him and I keep doing things I think will help him, but then he doesn't seem to make any progress. He's probably progressing, I just don't see it because I'm too close to it. I don't know. I do know that I'm in a different place than him and I'm getting tired of holding my hand out behind me to help him up only to have him pull too hard on it. Do I let go? Or do I clench harder and hope he doesn't get ripped from my grasp?

B

Mind Twister

I think I've mentioned that I've started reading a new book. This one is called, "Fat is a Family Affair". It's quite interesting so far. I've been meaning to sit down and actually act like I'm studying it, but my days have ended up getting away from me. I was reading it last night and came upon a passage that was awesome. Since my book isn't with me, this isn't verbatim, but it's found on page 32. It basically says that once you realize that eating makes you neither good nor bad, but for survival, you'll be able to stop letting it control you. The funny thing is, until I read this, I never realized I labeled food as making ME good or bad. But I do. I even caught myself doing it this morning, EVEN THOUGH I JUST READ ABOUT IT!

I usually have oatmeal for breakfast because I can prepare it at work, I need nothing more than water and a microwave, it'll help with my cholesterol, and I happen to like it. While preparing it today, I caught myself thinking about how good I was being. Then I starting thinking about what the book said. I have a way to liken it unto something. If you've seen the movie The Matrix, there is a scene where a little child tells Neo that he needs to stop trying to bend the spoon, but realize that there is no spoon in order to bend it. THAT'S WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!!! Haha!

I feel like I understand the concept, but at the exact same time, I can't wrap my brain around it. There's food that is "good" and "bad", but whether I eat them or not does not make ME good or bad. It may be a bad choice to eat it, but I am not a bad person if I eat it.

This is one of those concepts I just stare into space and think about. It's such an interesting topic. I'm getting excited though, because I feel like I'm in my next step of recovery. Maybe someday soon I'll be a healthy weight! :)

B

Pride

Interesting topic today. I've been thinking about Jon's outburst on Tuesday and my reaction to it. Even after he apologized Wednesday morning (via text message), I was still hanging onto the hurt. I don't know why I was, maybe I felt validated in doing so. I listened to a church sermon that talked about Christ and his disciples; how He told them that one of them would betray Him. Rather than looking accusingly at one another, they all looked at Christ and asked, "Lord, is it I?" It went on and talked more deeply on the subject, bringing into light the subject of pride and how the disciples were humble by asking about themselves rather than pointing the finger at each other. This got me thinking about pride and being prideful and then it struck me. By denying Jon forgiveness, I was being prideful.

Well, per usual, I Googled the terms to make sure I was being constructive with my train of thought. This is what I got:

pride
noun \ˈprīd\
: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc.

While looking at pride, it showed a synonym of pride that struck me it was:

dis·dain·ful
adjective \-fəl\
: feeling strong dislike or disapproval for something or someone you think does not deserve respect : feeling or showing disdain

Interesting, right? I didn't think he deserved the forgiveness because this was just another grievance in a LONG line of grievances I had in regards to his treatment of me, all his lies, and his lack of interest in the things that are most important to me. Once the thought of being prideful passed through my mind, I could feel my resolve of holding him accountable melt. I'm still having trouble forgiving him, but now I am not withholding that forgiveness to "punish" him for his slight.

My current trouble is that I feel so burnt out. I thought it was work, but I think it's with Jon. I've just tried and tried and tried for so long that I'm struggling now. I heard someone say that, "The fastest way to love someone is to serve them." Service never fails! So I've been praying for opportunities to serve Jon, but it's only been the last 24 hours or so that I've had that on my mind. I really need something to get me back in love with him. I love him, but I'm not so sure I'm in love with him… or if I ever was.

B

Men…

I had this dream Saturday morning right before I woke up. When I woke up, I was so sad I started crying. In my dream, I'd just married someone that wasn't Jon. I was still in my wedding dress and my new husband left me alone for a minute. I got a phone call. It was Jon. He told me that my new husband had left a porno magazine in his hotel room from the night before. I thought, "Oh, no! Not again!!" But to Jon I asked him why he was doing this. I said, "I loved you! Why did you do this to me? Why did you ruin our lives??"

When I woke up, I was missing Jon and grieving for our marriage. I started crying and just had to touch Jon. I reached over and put my hand on his chest. In his sleep he reached up and held my hand. I had some really weird mixed feelings all day, but mostly I felt my love for him. Then Sunday morning happened. We were up watching some church on TV and Jon just wouldn't put down his phone. When I tried to look at what he was doing, he hid the screen and put his phone down. I asked him what he was doing and he lied to me. I told him when he was ready to tell me the truth, I'd be sitting right there. He lied again. Three hours later he decided to come clean with the truth, but the lie had already been told. So all these intense feelings I'd had Saturday sort of crashed down around me. I'm upset with Jon for lying to me and I'm more upset with myself for letting his lies affect my church experience.

I get so tired of his lies and I don't know how to help him. I'd been praying for ways to help him, but then I realized that I needed to pray for the desire to help him because I just get so tired of the same merry-go-round. He's trying and in a lot of ways he's succeeding. I just worry he's going to tell one too many lies and lose me for good. I flip flop from wanting to force him to do better to not even wanting him to touch me. I just want him to be strong enough to do what he has to do.

I'm not sure what this post is doing. I just get so frustrated with Jon… I just want to be loved, already.

B

Child-Like Faith

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just couldn't decide on anything to say. And I was going to post this yesterday, but the day got away from me, so you're getting it today. :)

Tuesday, in my meeting, someone brought up having child-like faith. It got me thinking about what that really means. And if I have it. To start it off, I turned to… you guessed it! Google! Google says Child-Like means:


child·like
/ˈCHīldˌlīk/

adjective
adjective: childlike; adjective: child-like

: resembling or suggesting a child : like that of a child; especially : having or showing the pleasing qualities (such as innocence) that children often have, marked by innocence, trust, and ingenuousness

(of an adult) having good qualities associated with a child.

"she speaks with a childlike directness"

synonyms:

innocent, artless, guileless, unworldly, unsophisticated, naive, ingenuous, trusting, unsuspicious, unwary, credulous, gullible; unaffected, without airs, uninhibited, natural, spontaneous; informal: wet behind the ears

Well, I'm getting better on the innocence part, I need to do better on the trust, but I'm not sure how, and ingenuous… well, I wasn't sure what that meant. It means, "Free from reserve, restraint, or dissimulation; candid; sincere." I am getting better in that area, I speak up much sooner than I used to.

So apparently I'm moving on to a new topic because I just can't get this out of my head. Jon had another bad night at school last night. He comes home and I'm the one that gets yelled at. I'm not complaining about that, because I get it. The point I'm getting to is that I am just so tired of being his rock. I'm sick of being his cheerleader. How do I get back to that place I was where I wasn't worn down by his doubts and I encouraged him to do everything he could think of? Now, when he has a bad day and comes home to rag at me, I just want to tell him to quit. That's what he wants to do anyway, right? I'm tired of holding his hand and guiding him through his emotions. I had to figure out my mine-field, why should it be my job to figure out his too??

I know this is the wrong attitude to have, I should be excited to help him and lift him up. I've been praying…. Wow… I've been praying for the wrong thing. I've been asking for ways for me to help him, but I need to be praying for the desire to help him. The desire to be there for him, to support him, and share in his yoke.

And, now I'm happy I digressed. :) I think it does tie back to child-like faith though. I need to trust in Jon, be unsuspicious, unwary… I wonder if that'll help me get back the love I feel like I've lost for him. Interesting turn this took.

B