Pride

Interesting topic today. I've been thinking about Jon's outburst on Tuesday and my reaction to it. Even after he apologized Wednesday morning (via text message), I was still hanging onto the hurt. I don't know why I was, maybe I felt validated in doing so. I listened to a church sermon that talked about Christ and his disciples; how He told them that one of them would betray Him. Rather than looking accusingly at one another, they all looked at Christ and asked, "Lord, is it I?" It went on and talked more deeply on the subject, bringing into light the subject of pride and how the disciples were humble by asking about themselves rather than pointing the finger at each other. This got me thinking about pride and being prideful and then it struck me. By denying Jon forgiveness, I was being prideful.

Well, per usual, I Googled the terms to make sure I was being constructive with my train of thought. This is what I got:

pride
noun \ˈprīd\
: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc.

While looking at pride, it showed a synonym of pride that struck me it was:

dis·dain·ful
adjective \-fəl\
: feeling strong dislike or disapproval for something or someone you think does not deserve respect : feeling or showing disdain

Interesting, right? I didn't think he deserved the forgiveness because this was just another grievance in a LONG line of grievances I had in regards to his treatment of me, all his lies, and his lack of interest in the things that are most important to me. Once the thought of being prideful passed through my mind, I could feel my resolve of holding him accountable melt. I'm still having trouble forgiving him, but now I am not withholding that forgiveness to "punish" him for his slight.

My current trouble is that I feel so burnt out. I thought it was work, but I think it's with Jon. I've just tried and tried and tried for so long that I'm struggling now. I heard someone say that, "The fastest way to love someone is to serve them." Service never fails! So I've been praying for opportunities to serve Jon, but it's only been the last 24 hours or so that I've had that on my mind. I really need something to get me back in love with him. I love him, but I'm not so sure I'm in love with him… or if I ever was.

B