Men…

I had this dream Saturday morning right before I woke up. When I woke up, I was so sad I started crying. In my dream, I'd just married someone that wasn't Jon. I was still in my wedding dress and my new husband left me alone for a minute. I got a phone call. It was Jon. He told me that my new husband had left a porno magazine in his hotel room from the night before. I thought, "Oh, no! Not again!!" But to Jon I asked him why he was doing this. I said, "I loved you! Why did you do this to me? Why did you ruin our lives??"

When I woke up, I was missing Jon and grieving for our marriage. I started crying and just had to touch Jon. I reached over and put my hand on his chest. In his sleep he reached up and held my hand. I had some really weird mixed feelings all day, but mostly I felt my love for him. Then Sunday morning happened. We were up watching some church on TV and Jon just wouldn't put down his phone. When I tried to look at what he was doing, he hid the screen and put his phone down. I asked him what he was doing and he lied to me. I told him when he was ready to tell me the truth, I'd be sitting right there. He lied again. Three hours later he decided to come clean with the truth, but the lie had already been told. So all these intense feelings I'd had Saturday sort of crashed down around me. I'm upset with Jon for lying to me and I'm more upset with myself for letting his lies affect my church experience.

I get so tired of his lies and I don't know how to help him. I'd been praying for ways to help him, but then I realized that I needed to pray for the desire to help him because I just get so tired of the same merry-go-round. He's trying and in a lot of ways he's succeeding. I just worry he's going to tell one too many lies and lose me for good. I flip flop from wanting to force him to do better to not even wanting him to touch me. I just want him to be strong enough to do what he has to do.

I'm not sure what this post is doing. I just get so frustrated with Jon… I just want to be loved, already.

B