Epic-ness is coming!

I owe an apology for my last post. I dwelt on the bad and didn't focus on the good. The other side of my story that I should've shared was that after I'd composed myself in church and managed to stop the crying, it dawned on me that I'd allowed myself to feel my feelings. Right there on the spot. I felt it, I dealt with it, and I let it go. Score one point for team Becki! Someday I'll learn to let it go sooner than I did Sunday, but I think just allowing myself to feel it in the moment was awesome! It wasn't so long ago that I'd have stuffed it down and held onto it and used it as ammo in my, "I'm worthless" campaign.

So… tonight's the night! I'm going over to my parents' house and asking my dad to read that book because I think it'll help him. It's funny, every now and again I get excited butterflies, but I haven't yet gotten nervous ones.

Religious people do this thing called "Fasting." If you don't know what that is, it's where you sacrifice food and water for a period of time (usually not longer than 24 hours) to become more Spiritually clear on things you've been praying about. I have a medical condition that makes it virtually impossible to fast, so I haven't fasted in years. I wanted to Spiritual clarity that comes from it though, so I've opted to fast from my phone, rather than food. I'm not glued to my phone like a lot of people are, but I use it enough to need to charge it every few hours. I was just going to leave it home, but I decided to bring it with me because of the mind set of people nowadays. Perhaps if they couldn't have gotten a hold of me on my mobile phone they'd start panicking and thinking something bad happened. So I brought it with me *just* so I can answer any phone calls that may come in. But it's in my desk drawer and I haven't touched it.

I plan on listening to past sermons/talks all day, listening to hymns, and praying for inspiration whenever possible. This is going to be epic, I can feel it.

B

This over-eating thing…

I got my hair cut on Saturday. I don't mean a little trim or anything, the sides were cut at least three inches and the back I stacked, so it took off almost six inches back there. Jon came home and told me it was cute and that he liked it. I was so excited to get up and style it the next day for church. Got to church and not one person noticed. A lot of them had seen me the day before prior to getting my hair cut and no one mentioned a thing. Then, Jon had a guy from church ask if he could help with something after church and Jon tried to get out of it. I stupidly opened my mouth and said he had time around 1:00 to do it. I should've just sat there and pretended I wasn't listening. Jon ended up yelling at me after the guy left and I ended up beating myself up for trying to control him.

The thing is, this is something he needs to do to help his faith grow… I just want him to be spiritually happy. So right there in the middle of church, I end up crying. I bowed my head and prayed while listening to the hymns so it would just look like I was really moved spiritually, but it really hurt my feelings that Jon would get mad at me for looking out for his wellbeing. I told him at the time that I was sorry and I'd stay out of it next time. He kept a hold of the anger for a couple hours and we ended up getting into it again outside a restaurant we were meeting some family at. That one started because he did something in traffic that scared me and I spoke up. That gets him riled up faster than anything else because he claims I don't trust him to drive the car. The thing is (as I told him) if ANYONE did anything to scare me in traffic, I'd speak up! My mom tried to lane change the other day right into another car and I told her to wait. I'm going to speak up! I don't want anyone to be in an accident or worse, get hurt.

During this second talk he ended up apologizing and saying some other things, so the day wasn't completely ruined. I just get sick of him yelling at me when I'm trying to help.

To top it off, I ended up overeating yesterday (shocker), so today I'm even more upset with myself because I can't even control that stupid tiny part of my life. When I feel myself get the munchies, I need my first reaction to be a prayer, not to peruse the refrigerator contents. I'll get this down, I know I will. I just need to re-train myself, I guess. I think I turn to food as part of my numbing process. Or maybe it's for the distraction that a painfully full tummy provides. Either way, I need to figure something out.

I just ordered a book called, "Fat is a Family Affair." We'll see what it has to say!

B

It’s good for them?

I've decided that I have got to get my family to read this book. I've been wondering how to accomplish that for a week or so now. This morning it just came to me. My older sister has always tried to "understand" me because I'm different than her and my younger sister. The difference, that I see now, is that in the codependent world, I am the caregiver and my dad and my siblings are the "alcoholics." I think my mom is also a caregiver, but I think it's a role she was forced into, not one she was raised in.

I was thinking, in the spirit of trying to "understand" me, I could suggest they read this book. Hopefully when they read it, they'll start looking for me in the pages and end up seeing themselves.

I just had a thought though… by doing it this way, am I trying to control them? The thing is, if they aren't in the stage of their life that they're receptive to this, they won't want to read it. If I don't tell them it's for me, they won't read it… I mostly think of my dad. His dad was horrible and I really think he'd benefit by reading this book, but it'll make him get into his feelings and so he won't read it unless he thinks he's doing it to help me.

GAH! I don't know what to do now! I thought I was all clever this morning, but now I just wonder if I'm controlling and manipulating. :( Maybe I'll call my mom…

B

**Update**

So after talking with my mom, I kept getting the feeling that I need to sit down with my dad and basically have a heart to heart.  A year ago, this would have freaked me out, but now?  I feel so calm and open and... backed by Heavenly Father.  I think this is what He wants me to do and I am once again so very grateful for these past steps in my life that I am in a place that He can work through me.

My parents will be home next Tuesday, Wednesday night I'm going to go visit.  I'll worry about my sisters later, right now, it's all about my dad.

B

Feelings

This book I'm reading, it keeps making me think. I guess that's a good thing, right? :) The last couple chapters kind of go hand in hand. In one, they talk about how everyone is always in one stage or another of the grieving process. I thought that was super interesting. They said whether the "loss" was small or big, the grieving process is there. Sometimes it lasts five minutes and sometimes it lasts years, just depends on the loss we're dealing with. Then the chapter after that is titled, Feel your feelings.  Simple, right? Ha! I laugh at your simple!

Back to the grief stages. In the book it says that when codependents have feelings they don't know what to do with, they push them down. Make themselves numb. I can't tell you how many times, usually over a boy, that I repeated to myself over and over and over, "Don't feel, just don't feel. Stop feeling, just don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel." Now, I haven't done that in a few years, but I HAVE caught myself doing the numb thing, as recently as Sunday!

When we stop trying to feel, we're in denial… stage one. The author says that everyone goes through these phases. The difference is, as a co-dependent, we don't feel the feelings. Thus we're always stuck in the same stage(s) and never moving forward. If you allow yourself to feel the hurt, recognize it, feel it, and file it away (don't push it down and numb it! FILE it away as felt and dealt with), THEN you can move onto the next stage.

I found this interesting because when I did my resentment list, that's what I finally did! I allowed myself to feel those feelings I'd buried and paved over with a good thick layer of numb. I think my issue with my parents leaving was that I was disappointed and angry that my plans with my mom suddenly became moot because they wanted to go to their other home. I felt like I was being pushed down the priority list, AGAIN, and it pissed me off. The funny thing is, as I typed that, THAT is when I finally felt the feelings and successfully filed them away.

So why was it so hard for me to identify that on Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday? I think I need to start taking a moment every hour to assess my feelings and see if there are any floating around that need felt. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch, I already think about all these things the 12 step program tells you to add to your thoughts. Keeping a prayer in your heart, try to think of the Savior often, aligning your will with God's, and taking time to be still to listen to the spirit as it tells you what you need to do.

It's interesting to me that sometime so small and seemingly insignificant can put the brakes on someone's progress at all, let alone years. Because, c'mon, let's face it… I'm 35 and this has put the brakes on my life, my progress, for at least 30 of those years. I SO wish I could get my mom and dad to read this book, I wish I could get them to participate in this program, and I wish I could get my dad to see that while it was his "fault," it wasn't his "fault" at all, this is something that gets passed down and spread and festers until someone finally breaks the cycle. Ha, maybe I'll start praying for the opportunity to share this with my dad. All I need is a little opening. My feelings about this 12 step program and now this book are so tender and so passionate, if given the opportunity to bear my testimony regarding it, I feel like he (my dad) may actually listen.

Until then, keep praying and keep feeling!

B

The Good and the Bad

My husband and I were finally intimate!! After years of me trying to turn him on with his only response being rejection, I gave it a go again Saturday night and it worked! I know you don't need details, but I was so excited! This has been the first time since May. Yes, MAY. It was SO awesome to have him respond the right way.

My parents decided Friday to leave for their other home in a warmer state than Idaho. They left Saturday. My mom and I were supposed to go to a baby shower Saturday night, but since she was leaving, I didn't really want to go either. In fact, I had several things planned for Saturday and ended up not doing a single one of them because I was feeling down. And I was eating, again. Just this morning I realized I was irritated at my parents for (once again) choosing something else above me. I could've still gone ahead with my plans on Saturday, but I didn't. I can't wait until I can figure out how to detach myself from them. AH! This just irritates me so much. Why do I even care if they leave town or not?? I guess I don't care if they leave town, I care that they couldn't wait one more day to leave so my mom and I could have our Saturday plans. I guess I was a bit embarrassed too because I'd already called to RSVP for my mom and I… I don't know, I'm still sorting through all my emotions. Because instead of insisting I look at them Friday or even Saturday, I went "numb" and didn't deal with them until today.

Yesterday Jon and I had a fight. He pulled out of a diagonal parking space and instead of backing up straight and continuing down the aisle, he backed up and turned to leave the opposite way. The aisle isn't large enough, there was a lady waiting for us, and I was SO embarrassed. I asked him not to do that anymore because it's "rule of the road" not to back out of those spaces incorrectly. He got mad and asked me why I even cared and I told him it's because it embarrassed me having that lady watch us and making her wait for us. He did NOT like that. Later when I asked him why it made him so upset that I was embarrassed, he said he didn't know yet, that he was still thinking about it. I think I know though. I think me saying it embarrassed me made him feel guilty. Jon's family bathed him in guilt regularly so he has always had a volcanic response when I make him feel guilty. He told me I didn't need to add on the last bit, that telling him not to back up that way was good enough. To which I responded that it was his question; he ASKED me why I didn't like him doing it.

Anyway, the fight started getting louder and ended up with him saying he hates to drive me because I try to manipulate and control him and it's just easier if he lets me drive. I asked if I wasn't supposed to say something when I was scared or embarrassed; should I just sit quietly in the car and not breath or move? Then he left saying we needed to cool down and talk about it later.

After years (growing up) where I wasn't allowed to have emotions, I'm going to have them now! And I'm going to express them! I wish I could've handled this differently, but I'm not sure what I could have done. Guess I'll just chalk it up to another day of life and move on. :)

B

Attachment

To those of you that are wondering, yes, I talked with my husband last night. I told him I owed him a huge apology and that I would try to refrain from controlling and manipulating him and that he could spend the money. I did ask him though, to please talk to me BEFORE he spends it, just so I can keep track of what our real balance is. Then he told me he was sorry for not being more open with me about his recovery and his spirituality.

Baby steps, people. That's what this life is all about. :)

I was reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie last night and had more thoughts come to me. So, when I was a kid, I had crushes on boys, just like everyone else did. But my crushes lasted YEARS. I'm reading a chapter in the book talking about attachment… I hope you can see where I'm going with this. ;)

I would cling DESPERATELY to the idea of a boy liking me. I would take any little tiny encouragement and blow it SO far out of proportion. For instance, I fell in like with a boy in the 6th grade. I don't remember what happened that I liked him, but I LIKED him. Probably he was just nice to me or he paid attention to me… I seem to really flock to that throughout my life. Anyway, the crush finally ended when he turned 19 and left the freaking country! What a LOSER I am. Haha! I'd be enamored, then he wouldn't do anything, nothing would happen, and I'd grow insecure. Then someone would say something, he would do something, or he would say something… then I was gone again, floating high on a cloud where someone actually valued me!

I always knew I did this and I know I've done it to plenty of guys after this 7 year crush I had… speaking of which, I had crushes on other boys during the "down" time with the 7-year-guy, but they all fizzled out long before his did. This brought to mind a situation with my cousin when I was 19. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, so I'll just briefly recap.

I had a crush on a guy, we would watch explicit movies that we shouldn't watch and I would do things to help him out with the problem that would "arise" from watching such movies. I'm not proud of that, but my past is my past. Anyway, it turned out he was leading me on because he liked that my giving codependent self would fawn over him. Of course, we didn't know THAT at the time, but he was leading me on because I would give his ego what it needed. So he never would ask me out and he kept dating other girls while we were "together" so I just told people we were, "kind of sort of dating."

Well, my cousin got married that summer (1999?) and this cousin happened to be the brother of my most favorite cousin in the whole wide world. We were pen pals for YEARS and we spent summers with each other's families, she was my best friend ever, because she was family too. Built in friend. I went to this wedding with my mom and spent some wonderful time with my cousin. She'd just graduated high school and we decided that she's move up to Idaho, get residency, and go to school with me after. We'd room together and just live it up. I told her the guy I was dating had a friend that would be perfect for her and everything. Long story short, two days after she arrived, she fell for the guy that wasn't really mine and she told me she wouldn't date him if I asked her not to because blood was thicker than water. Of course, I said no. I didn't want her to go after him, I loved him! Big huge fights ensued… they got married that November (or sometime around there), and I haven't talked to her since. I found out from the guy (whole other story there) that they lasted a year and a half… then he married a girl named Becky that looked like my cousin. Irony.

Anyway, reading in the book about attachment got me thinking about this incident. Should I apologize to my cousin for asking her to stay away from a guy that wasn't even interested in me? Was it unfair of me to ask her to stay away? But if she hadn't have come along, maybe he would have gotten with me just because I was there and he learned to love me?

I really miss my cousin. For a lot of years, I hated her. Back in 2006 I worked through the incident and have been okay since. But with this new program I've really started missing her and wishing we had that relationship we used to have. Even in 2012 I cherished the misery in her life! She's currently married to her 3rd husband and they have two baby's. They adopted one new born only to find she was 2 months pregnant. So I think they're 7-9 months apart.

The rest of my family is friends with her on Facebook and it would be really easy to reach out to her, I just don't know if I should. Probably the fact that this has been brought to my mind means I should reach out, but I guess I still hurt. I'm over the hate and the resentment (obviously, or I wouldn't be thinking about this), but I guess I just don't trust her. Period. Feel free to weigh in… otherwise, I feel there will be some major praying in my near future.

B

Well, shoot. :(

My friend lent me her book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More". While reading yesterday and again today, I must have been reading with a prayer in my heart because I came up with a realization:

Just like I tried to control and manipulate the people I work with into asking me to lunch every day and then being offended when they didn't ask me, I'm trying to control and manipulate Jon with money. I can go spend $10 on lunch every day and it's no big deal because I do the budget, I know what's in the account, and I am controlling it. Jon goes and spends $10 on lunch once and I lose my crap. Think back to the post a few days ago about the $13… when I had this thought, I felt so ashamed. I'm such a hypocrite! Spend as I say, not as I spend. I owe him the biggest apology ever, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I guess I need to tell him that he can spend within reason. That's how I always justified mine, isn't it? :)

The more I think about all these things, the more I realize that I try to be the controlling codependent with him, rather than the controlled codependent I am with my dad. I need to back off in some major ways. The thing is, if I can stop this controlling behavior, I think he'll start wanting to do the things I ask him to do. Like clean the kitchen, take out the trash… which, in turn, will make me feel the importance and love that I've been craving.

It's so hard to think, let alone admit, that I'm the problem. This same friend that lent me her book is the one I was talking about the other day, where I gave some advice that was listened to. Anyway, she said, I think in group, that she's decided the advice wasn't it, but that it was her like she initially thought. I empathized with her, because I've had plenty of things where it was my fault. But now I realize it's a lot like I just learned about myself. I'm trying to control and manipulate. Jon's being the way he's being because somewhere along the line, my subconscious decided to have me treat him like that. He's not a freaking child. I need to stop treating him like that. I need to respect him and let him grow and learn.

Man, here's to some eye-openings we pray for, but… it's a hard pill to swallow once they're open.

B

Venting

Hello again! Last night in my meeting, well, there's a couple things. One of the ladies I'd talked to before liked something I'd said and actually applied it! I felt so awesome! I don't think I've ever had someone tell me when I've been an answer to their prayers. :) The other thing, someone was talking about venting and how they like to do it, but it's not actually beneficial until you're venting to God. And I had some thoughts on that.

The thing is, while venting to friends, you may feel better for a while, but the frustration will return. If you want to vent, vent to Heavenly Father. Not only does He hear you, but you'll be comforted and maybe even be provided with a solution to your frustrations. The best part? Heavenly Father loves ALL His children and won't withdraw those feelings for any of your grievances. How many of your friends still love your spouse after a good vent session? Marriage should be between you, your spouse, and God. Not 10 of your closes friends. Stop the venting.

With that said… I have some things to repent about, don't I? It's weird too, because I always knew that I shouldn't do it, but I didn't get any feelings or manifestations about it, until last night. I did a great disservice to my husband by airing all my frustrations out here. I'll do better in the future.

B

Trust?

I've discovered through the years that when I am in a relationship where I feel secure and loved, my weight seems to just melt right off me. Whether it was a local relationship or a long distance one. I've always known something was wrong with Jon and I because I've never lost with him. I seem to gain and if I try hard, then I manage to drop a bit, but I inevitably gain it back. I've never gone above the weight I was when I met him, but I've never been more than 20 pounds lower.

One thing I have a hard time with Jon is trusting him. I started looking into it a little bit last week and came to find that my husband lacks integrity. He'd rather hide things from me and lie to me than take the risk of disappointing me. I've pointed out to him time and time again that if he lies to me, then I'm mad that he lied AND I'm disappointed about what he lied about to keep me from being disappointed!

For instance, we're broke. When we can afford it, we have a $20 weekly allowance, but when we can't (which we usually can't), we just don't do anything. For some reason, even though he knows we couldn't afford for either one of us to get our weekly $20, he thinks it's okay to go spend $13 over two days because he "forgot his lunch at home." Rather than calling me and saying, "Babe, I forgot my lunch, can I buy something?" He'd rather just get what he wants, hide that he did it, and hope that I don't check the bank account to see it cleared or pending. While I was gone camping, he spent $130 on himself. I was only gone THREE DAYS! I get so frustrated with this and I don't know what to do. By him not talking to me about it, shows me he has no respect for me or for our budget. He must not trust me either otherwise he'd be honest with me. I've done everything from taking away the card to giving him free-reign and nothing has worked.

All I want is a marriage where I feel loved, honored, respected, and secure. I rarely feel those things and never more than one at a time. It's been so long since he's given me butterflies in my stomach that I don't even remember if he ever did. Whenever I bring this up to him he just says that he's been trying. The thing is, what he's tried hasn't been enough and there's been no consistency. Sometimes I find myself longing for the first months of my relationship with my alcoholic ex. He may have been a jerk in the end and we may not have parted as friends, but he sure knew how to make me feel good about myself, him, and us.

We've still only been intimate 2 ½ times this year… the last was in May. I know he's learning stuff and I know I need to be patient and let him have time, but how much time? And how much personal sacrifice before it's all just gone and we're just two friends living together? I love him, I 100% love him, but I think it's the same way I love my cousin's. He's fun to hang out with and talk to, but that's all we do and there's nothing more to it. I don't really like kissing him anymore either. I'm scared about our future. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for something to give so we can get out of this spiral, but I feel like we're sinking and there's been no life-line tossed in after us.

I just need to be patient. Heavenly Father has a timeline for His will and I need to just sit down and buckle myself in for the ride. I listened to Heavenly Father when I married Jon, so He must have some sort of plan for us. I need to just be patient… be patient and listen for the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.

B

My husband…

My husband has fancied himself a writer, which I'm fine with. I think he's got some amazing ideas and someday it may work out for him. He has a friend that is really good at drawing. He asked his friend to put together a cover for the book that he's written. Back in April or May he and his friend had a fight that resulted in a falling out. I'm not sure what happened, but Jon and I both got "unfriended". Today my husband texts me and said he messaged his friend (thinking enough time had passed) about his cover. His friend basically told him to piss off and then blocked him. I think there's more going on there than what Jon is telling me, but I obviously don't know what. I finally just told Jon to ask my sister or her kids to draw it because they are actually quite good at drawing. He doesn't want to though. I think he's really mourning this friendship. I think he was really hoping it would come back. I wish I knew what to tell him to make it all better.

Usually I get the feeling that Jon needs to deal with this stuff on his own, so I can't take it away and make it all better. I see how much he struggles with it though and I am SO tempted to step in and offer my advice.

Pep-talk time: Jon needs to deal with this stuff on his own. He's had a life time of people stepping in. Let him be sad, let him vent at me, let him feel it, and then… let him deal with it.

I didn't think I was going to write today – not until after meeting with my sponsor, at any rate. But this stuff with Jon and his friend were really getting to me. I'm not sure why. Tuesday night Jon and I talked a little about our meetings and if they're helping. Jon told me, in no uncertain terms, that he didn't think I'd had it that bad and that his experiences were much worse than mine. The thing is, experiences, childhood, emotions, they're all relative. Him comparing his childhood to mine is like saying an elephant is just like a palm tree. It also kind of made me feel like he was marginalizing my pain… almost invalidating it.

My set of issues are MINE, specially put together by God for ME and my development as a human being. No one else in this world will ever have my exact situation. No one else needs the trials I've had to become the person I am. How can he compare that? And just because my experiences weren't as horrific as his doesn't mean my emotions were any less experienced… felt… imprinted on me.

I know there are people that have problems way worse than mine, but I've spent my life believing I was insignificant and I am not going to sit in that section anymore.

Because of his comments, I've been thinking about letting him read this… he doesn't even know this blog exists. But one thing that has always helped me along in life is identifying what I hope to accomplish by doing something. . What do I expect to have happen if I tell him about my blog and let him read it. I would like to think that he'll understand me more and see that while my path was perhaps easier than his path, it hasn't been any less painful. I don't think that's what would happen though. Honestly, I don't think he'd even bother reading it. He may tell me he read it all, but I don't think he would. Jon has matured a lot and grown leaps and bounds this last year, but he's still prone to the self-centeredness he's learned from his mom. And in that short paragraph, I've decided not to say anything.

It does hurt that he's comparing our situations though. I feel like he makes a lot of things into a contest. Who's more tired, who's had a harder life, who's siblings are worse… it gets pretty old. It turns me off when he complains… and that's usually what he does. Maybe that's my biggest problem… negativity and competition. I don't know. I think this is going to be needing more prayer and more meditation. I know I resent Jon… I may have worked on the older ones, but the newer ones still hurt and because of the resentment, I have a hard time trusting him. He doesn't ever seem willing to build the trust back up though. He continues with stupid lies, spending money we don't have, and not doing the things he says he's going to do. I just want to trust my husband, is that too much to ask of him?

B

My Security Plan

After my post yesterday, I've been mentally thinking of all the things I could include in my plan to be more secure. I have to admit, I didn't come up with very many, but enough that I felt pretty good about the effort I put in. Here's my list:

1. Realize that just because SOME people don't love me, want me, respect me, or reject me doesn't mean ALL people are going to feel that way.
2. Not everyone is a back-stabbing whore.
3. There are people out there that love me for who I am.
4. I am import to people… at least three; Jon, mom, and dad.
5. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. That doesn't mean I am less than anyone else. It just means I'm equal to everyone else.

I made that list this morning. This afternoon, after lunch, I decided to Google that Attachment Theory thing again and see what I could see. Did you know there are tests available to see what sort of attachment you have?? Needless to say, I took a couple. :) When I took the quiz, it said I had, "Fearful-avoidance attachment style". Well, so, of course, I had to Google that too. I found the below website. On this website it stated three things to "fix" your attachment style (if you're the style I am).

So there I was, reading through this website, and I was struck by the three things it said because… those three things are in my list I'd made this morning! I couldn't believe it. It made me smile because obviously I'm on the right path here. :) Here's the link to the website, if you're interested, and the three things to be "fixed".

http://liveabundantly.ca/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

1. Challenge your "all bad" perception of people: Given that attachment styles are something that develop in the early stages of life and are continually reinforced over the lifespan, a fearful-avoidant person has likely experienced some trauma or serious rejection. This could include experiencing divorce as a child, their own personal divorce as an adult or other life experiences that taint people as untrustworthy in their mind. Not everyone is underserving of trust and maybe you just need to work on identifying who to trust and how quickly. Trusting someone should come in stages and to understand these stages, you can refer to the Five Stages of Friendship.
2. Take time to reflect and develop yourself: If you are fearful of relationship and intimacy, chances are there are some wounds that need healing. Rejection and abandonment are the most common attachment fears when entering into a relationship, and most people have experienced them in relationships throughout their life. Not all relationships end in abandonment or rejection. There is someone out there in whom you could build a secure attachment with, but it is important that you take the time to be reflective about your own behaviors and patterns in relationships.
3. Challenge the lens through which you process relational data: Just because you perceive an action or statement in one way doesn't mean it is truth. When we have a belief about something we often seek out information to support our belief. If we have several negative and fearful beliefs about relationships we will look for information to confirm our conclusion. For example, if you meet someone you might find out that they broke up with their last partner and therefore you believe that they will leave you. Or if they didn't text you all day, you believe that they must not love you or that they are not thinking about you. We tend to seek out information to confirm the beliefs that we hold. While this may be helpful in some cases, it can also be very destructive. Therefore, it is important to be conscious of how you process information and cues about your partner and your relationship. These perceptions get internalized and you could be building a negative belief on skewed or biased information.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting as well. I asked one of the girls from my group to be my sponsor. We're meeting up tomorrow night. I'm excited but oh so nervous at the same time. This is going to be new for me, opening up to someone and letting them in. I think I need it though and I think now is the best time for it because I am where I am in all of this. I am so very grateful for this 12-step program I am a part of and I'm so so grateful I have a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to put this kind of program in front of me and to help me through it. This has been an amazing, eye-opening experience for me and I would not trade it for the world. I just want to get everyone into it! Here's to another beautiful day of actually liking who I am.

B

The rest of my feelings…

Now that I've dealt with all my various resentments I find myself looking inward to tie knots in all my loose ended emotions. The one that's been grabbing my attention is the absence of security in my life. After my mom went to work, I just never felt anyone really loved or needed me. I think the absence of security is what drove me to eat. I guess you could call it insecurity.

Well, once again I turned to Google and I found a couple things:

How to stop feeling insecure
So the first step to kill the insecurity feelings is to understand that those feelings are messages that mean that your mind is in need of reassurance. Once you get such feelings you must sit alone and write down your thoughts and feelings in order to figure out the things that are making you insecure. Once you find the reason (for example, I am afraid that I lose my job because of the tough economy) you should write a plan that helps you get rid of that reason. The Good news is that as soon as you write the plan you will feel better especially if your subconscious mind believed that the plan will work. In short, to get rid of insecurity feelings you must reassure your mind by TAKING ACTIONS and not by positive thinking or quick fixes. Only then you will kill the feelings of insecurity.

Attachment Theory – Wikipedia
Securely attached children are best able to explore when they have the knowledge of a secure base to return to in times of need. When assistance is given, this bolsters the sense of security and also, assuming the parent's assistance is helpful, educates the child in how to cope with the same problem in the future. Therefore, secure attachment can be seen as the most adaptive attachment style. According to some psychological researchers, a child becomes securely attached when the parent is available and able to meet the needs of the child in a responsive and appropriate manner. At infancy and early childhood, if parents are caring and attentive towards their children, those children will be more prone to secure attachment

I had planned on delving into the first one and figuring this thing out. But then I found the second one and I was stopped in my tracks. This line just resonated through me! "…knowledge of a secure base to return to in times of need." When possible, my parents will help me, but there have been many times they have refused. I wonder if this is my issue, I was never securely attached to a caregiver… I never KNEW someone would be there for me when I needed it. Maybe this is why I've always felt so alone.

So based off the first thing I found via Google, I need to reassure my mind by taking actions… I need to make a plan for a secure base to return to if needed. Then, maybe I'll be free. Having just identified it has soothed me by leaps and bounds!

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