My Security Plan

After my post yesterday, I've been mentally thinking of all the things I could include in my plan to be more secure. I have to admit, I didn't come up with very many, but enough that I felt pretty good about the effort I put in. Here's my list:

1. Realize that just because SOME people don't love me, want me, respect me, or reject me doesn't mean ALL people are going to feel that way.
2. Not everyone is a back-stabbing whore.
3. There are people out there that love me for who I am.
4. I am import to people… at least three; Jon, mom, and dad.
5. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. That doesn't mean I am less than anyone else. It just means I'm equal to everyone else.

I made that list this morning. This afternoon, after lunch, I decided to Google that Attachment Theory thing again and see what I could see. Did you know there are tests available to see what sort of attachment you have?? Needless to say, I took a couple. :) When I took the quiz, it said I had, "Fearful-avoidance attachment style". Well, so, of course, I had to Google that too. I found the below website. On this website it stated three things to "fix" your attachment style (if you're the style I am).

So there I was, reading through this website, and I was struck by the three things it said because… those three things are in my list I'd made this morning! I couldn't believe it. It made me smile because obviously I'm on the right path here. :) Here's the link to the website, if you're interested, and the three things to be "fixed".

http://liveabundantly.ca/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

1. Challenge your "all bad" perception of people: Given that attachment styles are something that develop in the early stages of life and are continually reinforced over the lifespan, a fearful-avoidant person has likely experienced some trauma or serious rejection. This could include experiencing divorce as a child, their own personal divorce as an adult or other life experiences that taint people as untrustworthy in their mind. Not everyone is underserving of trust and maybe you just need to work on identifying who to trust and how quickly. Trusting someone should come in stages and to understand these stages, you can refer to the Five Stages of Friendship.
2. Take time to reflect and develop yourself: If you are fearful of relationship and intimacy, chances are there are some wounds that need healing. Rejection and abandonment are the most common attachment fears when entering into a relationship, and most people have experienced them in relationships throughout their life. Not all relationships end in abandonment or rejection. There is someone out there in whom you could build a secure attachment with, but it is important that you take the time to be reflective about your own behaviors and patterns in relationships.
3. Challenge the lens through which you process relational data: Just because you perceive an action or statement in one way doesn't mean it is truth. When we have a belief about something we often seek out information to support our belief. If we have several negative and fearful beliefs about relationships we will look for information to confirm our conclusion. For example, if you meet someone you might find out that they broke up with their last partner and therefore you believe that they will leave you. Or if they didn't text you all day, you believe that they must not love you or that they are not thinking about you. We tend to seek out information to confirm the beliefs that we hold. While this may be helpful in some cases, it can also be very destructive. Therefore, it is important to be conscious of how you process information and cues about your partner and your relationship. These perceptions get internalized and you could be building a negative belief on skewed or biased information.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting as well. I asked one of the girls from my group to be my sponsor. We're meeting up tomorrow night. I'm excited but oh so nervous at the same time. This is going to be new for me, opening up to someone and letting them in. I think I need it though and I think now is the best time for it because I am where I am in all of this. I am so very grateful for this 12-step program I am a part of and I'm so so grateful I have a Father in Heaven who loves me enough to put this kind of program in front of me and to help me through it. This has been an amazing, eye-opening experience for me and I would not trade it for the world. I just want to get everyone into it! Here's to another beautiful day of actually liking who I am.

B