Feelings

This book I'm reading, it keeps making me think. I guess that's a good thing, right? :) The last couple chapters kind of go hand in hand. In one, they talk about how everyone is always in one stage or another of the grieving process. I thought that was super interesting. They said whether the "loss" was small or big, the grieving process is there. Sometimes it lasts five minutes and sometimes it lasts years, just depends on the loss we're dealing with. Then the chapter after that is titled, Feel your feelings.  Simple, right? Ha! I laugh at your simple!

Back to the grief stages. In the book it says that when codependents have feelings they don't know what to do with, they push them down. Make themselves numb. I can't tell you how many times, usually over a boy, that I repeated to myself over and over and over, "Don't feel, just don't feel. Stop feeling, just don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel." Now, I haven't done that in a few years, but I HAVE caught myself doing the numb thing, as recently as Sunday!

When we stop trying to feel, we're in denial… stage one. The author says that everyone goes through these phases. The difference is, as a co-dependent, we don't feel the feelings. Thus we're always stuck in the same stage(s) and never moving forward. If you allow yourself to feel the hurt, recognize it, feel it, and file it away (don't push it down and numb it! FILE it away as felt and dealt with), THEN you can move onto the next stage.

I found this interesting because when I did my resentment list, that's what I finally did! I allowed myself to feel those feelings I'd buried and paved over with a good thick layer of numb. I think my issue with my parents leaving was that I was disappointed and angry that my plans with my mom suddenly became moot because they wanted to go to their other home. I felt like I was being pushed down the priority list, AGAIN, and it pissed me off. The funny thing is, as I typed that, THAT is when I finally felt the feelings and successfully filed them away.

So why was it so hard for me to identify that on Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday? I think I need to start taking a moment every hour to assess my feelings and see if there are any floating around that need felt. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch, I already think about all these things the 12 step program tells you to add to your thoughts. Keeping a prayer in your heart, try to think of the Savior often, aligning your will with God's, and taking time to be still to listen to the spirit as it tells you what you need to do.

It's interesting to me that sometime so small and seemingly insignificant can put the brakes on someone's progress at all, let alone years. Because, c'mon, let's face it… I'm 35 and this has put the brakes on my life, my progress, for at least 30 of those years. I SO wish I could get my mom and dad to read this book, I wish I could get them to participate in this program, and I wish I could get my dad to see that while it was his "fault," it wasn't his "fault" at all, this is something that gets passed down and spread and festers until someone finally breaks the cycle. Ha, maybe I'll start praying for the opportunity to share this with my dad. All I need is a little opening. My feelings about this 12 step program and now this book are so tender and so passionate, if given the opportunity to bear my testimony regarding it, I feel like he (my dad) may actually listen.

Until then, keep praying and keep feeling!

B