The Good and the Bad

My husband and I were finally intimate!! After years of me trying to turn him on with his only response being rejection, I gave it a go again Saturday night and it worked! I know you don't need details, but I was so excited! This has been the first time since May. Yes, MAY. It was SO awesome to have him respond the right way.

My parents decided Friday to leave for their other home in a warmer state than Idaho. They left Saturday. My mom and I were supposed to go to a baby shower Saturday night, but since she was leaving, I didn't really want to go either. In fact, I had several things planned for Saturday and ended up not doing a single one of them because I was feeling down. And I was eating, again. Just this morning I realized I was irritated at my parents for (once again) choosing something else above me. I could've still gone ahead with my plans on Saturday, but I didn't. I can't wait until I can figure out how to detach myself from them. AH! This just irritates me so much. Why do I even care if they leave town or not?? I guess I don't care if they leave town, I care that they couldn't wait one more day to leave so my mom and I could have our Saturday plans. I guess I was a bit embarrassed too because I'd already called to RSVP for my mom and I… I don't know, I'm still sorting through all my emotions. Because instead of insisting I look at them Friday or even Saturday, I went "numb" and didn't deal with them until today.

Yesterday Jon and I had a fight. He pulled out of a diagonal parking space and instead of backing up straight and continuing down the aisle, he backed up and turned to leave the opposite way. The aisle isn't large enough, there was a lady waiting for us, and I was SO embarrassed. I asked him not to do that anymore because it's "rule of the road" not to back out of those spaces incorrectly. He got mad and asked me why I even cared and I told him it's because it embarrassed me having that lady watch us and making her wait for us. He did NOT like that. Later when I asked him why it made him so upset that I was embarrassed, he said he didn't know yet, that he was still thinking about it. I think I know though. I think me saying it embarrassed me made him feel guilty. Jon's family bathed him in guilt regularly so he has always had a volcanic response when I make him feel guilty. He told me I didn't need to add on the last bit, that telling him not to back up that way was good enough. To which I responded that it was his question; he ASKED me why I didn't like him doing it.

Anyway, the fight started getting louder and ended up with him saying he hates to drive me because I try to manipulate and control him and it's just easier if he lets me drive. I asked if I wasn't supposed to say something when I was scared or embarrassed; should I just sit quietly in the car and not breath or move? Then he left saying we needed to cool down and talk about it later.

After years (growing up) where I wasn't allowed to have emotions, I'm going to have them now! And I'm going to express them! I wish I could've handled this differently, but I'm not sure what I could have done. Guess I'll just chalk it up to another day of life and move on. :)

B