Well, shoot. :(

My friend lent me her book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More". While reading yesterday and again today, I must have been reading with a prayer in my heart because I came up with a realization:

Just like I tried to control and manipulate the people I work with into asking me to lunch every day and then being offended when they didn't ask me, I'm trying to control and manipulate Jon with money. I can go spend $10 on lunch every day and it's no big deal because I do the budget, I know what's in the account, and I am controlling it. Jon goes and spends $10 on lunch once and I lose my crap. Think back to the post a few days ago about the $13… when I had this thought, I felt so ashamed. I'm such a hypocrite! Spend as I say, not as I spend. I owe him the biggest apology ever, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I guess I need to tell him that he can spend within reason. That's how I always justified mine, isn't it? :)

The more I think about all these things, the more I realize that I try to be the controlling codependent with him, rather than the controlled codependent I am with my dad. I need to back off in some major ways. The thing is, if I can stop this controlling behavior, I think he'll start wanting to do the things I ask him to do. Like clean the kitchen, take out the trash… which, in turn, will make me feel the importance and love that I've been craving.

It's so hard to think, let alone admit, that I'm the problem. This same friend that lent me her book is the one I was talking about the other day, where I gave some advice that was listened to. Anyway, she said, I think in group, that she's decided the advice wasn't it, but that it was her like she initially thought. I empathized with her, because I've had plenty of things where it was my fault. But now I realize it's a lot like I just learned about myself. I'm trying to control and manipulate. Jon's being the way he's being because somewhere along the line, my subconscious decided to have me treat him like that. He's not a freaking child. I need to stop treating him like that. I need to respect him and let him grow and learn.

Man, here's to some eye-openings we pray for, but… it's a hard pill to swallow once they're open.

B