Being Controlled

I must be having some PMS symptom's (sorry) because I have been on an emotional rollercoaster today! Mostly it's the down side of it and not feeling happy.

I did have a thought today though. I get myself all down and depressed because no one ever wants to go to lunch with me… but I don't ask either. So I don't ask because I'm afraid they'll say no and when they don't ask me, I'm afraid no one likes me or cares about me. What an f-ed up way to view things. No wondering I'm always alone!

I haven't been very good about going to Al-Anon. I think I might try and find an online version or something. I don't want to go alone, for some reason. Maybe I feel out of place. Actually, if I'm being honest, I think it's because I'm afraid some of them may want to be friends with me and I'm not willing to let any of them in just yet.

Moving on! Today's list items are under the category of "Controlling".

Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
I've had two sides of a coin regarding this and my life. My dad is the epitome of control (everything just right), then I've also had an alcoholic that was (basically) pure chaos. The funny thing both sides of this story, out of control and total control, have both caused me sorrow and disappointment.

With my dad it's sorrow that I can't be what he wants me to be and that he'll always like my sisters more. Disappointment because I'm not better. With my ex, the sorrow was that I wasn't good enough for him and the disappointment was when I finally realized that. While we were dating, I don't know that I knew he was an alcoholic. I remember once I told him that I couldn't handle his drinking anymore and he had to decide what was more important to him. Me or beer. Guess who won that importance battle. I'll give you a hint, it wasn't me. The biggest thing he would say to me that just was the worst was, "You just don't think!" That used to crush me. Later, toward the end of the relationship, it made me mad. I think it was part of the end.

Regarding my dad, I remember one spring evening I was making hamburgers for the family for dinner (we each had a night to cook). I was 15 or so. Anyway, I went out onto the patio to check the BBQ and shut the screen door behind me. My dad yelled out (from his comfy spot on the couch), "Hey, Stupid! Shut the door. The air conditioner is on. I can't afford to cool the neighborhood." It was along the lines of, "You just don't THINK, do you?" Now I feel like I have to think about every eventuality and be prepared for it, otherwise I'm a stupid dummy face. In reality though, who could EVER be prepared like that?? Not even my dad, that's for sure.

Feel controlled by events and people.
I think I accidentally covered this one while talking about the other one. :) One thing I do want to say (it's been on my mind) is this: I feel like a child. I feel like I'm a 13 year old masquerading in a 35 year old body. I want to ask all my other adult friends if they feel like this too, but I'm afraid I'd be the weirdo, the odd man out, and end up with more heart-ache that I don't want or need. I hate feeling like this and wish I didn't. But I don't know how to feel like an adult. Even doing adult things I feel like a kid with a fake ID. I don't feel like I've been invited to the adult world… or that I've been rejected. Maybe it's just that I don't have kids, so I still feel like one? Do you have to have a kid to feel like an adult? I feel like I'm being bad and sneaking around when I don't tell my parents about stuff. But I also know I don't have to tell them, so it gets really confusing.

I'm not even sure how to end this. I think I want an alone vacation… for a week. Seven days of only worrying about me and what makes me happy. That would be nice.

B

Worry

Sorry for the long hiatus! I was enjoying a long Memorial Day weekend! Thursday I got a bonus at work. Friday I went to a funeral (it was a relative I didn't really know), but all my family came for it, so it was nice to see people I haven't seen in a few years. We also went to the graves since we were already at the funeral. Saturday I bought a dishwasher with my bonus. I also installed a new speaker in my car and got my CD changer to start working again. :) I also had a family BBQ and I made arrangements to go out with one of my cousins and his wife the next day! Sunday we went to church, then to lunch at Outback, and went to see the new X-Men movie. It was so good! Monday I installed the dishwasher. Tuesday I went to work. And now I'm here. :)

Here are today's list items. They are all under the heading of "Obsession." And just for the record (I don't know if this ties to co-dependency), I 100% admit to having OCD. I am better about it than I used to be, but only because I now share space with my husband. It was grand having control over my whole house! Now it's just chaos. Anyway, list items!

Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
Oh yes. I over-analyze and worry things to death! I worry that I've offended people, that they don't like me, that I've done something. I worry that I didn't answer my phone when someone called and I worry that I say inappropriate things… it's basically a battle all the time. I want everyone to feel included and I worry that I don't do that the way I should.

Worry about the silliest things.
Ha! See above.

Think and talk a lot about other people.
Yes, but mostly it's because of the worries I've listed above. I worry I've done something to upset them and they don't like me anymore. I worry about confronting someone about something. I imagine all sorts of horrible repercussions from standing up for myself. Like even death.

Lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
I told you about my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law. Both examples of losing sleep over problems and other people's behavior. It's like a sore in my mouth. It would heal and go away if I could just stop tonguing it. BTW, I haven't put up anything about my in-laws because I can't access Facebook at work and I can't copy and paste the stuff onto my blog unless I'm at home. My husband is always home and he doesn't know I have a blog. I haven't told him because I put stuff up about him that he doesn't want to know that it bothers me or that it's an issue. He ostrich's his head a lot.

Worry
Again, see above.

Never find answers.
I won't say I NEVER find answers, but I ponder, over-analyze, and worry things to death. During that whole time, I usually pray a LOT and go to church… I do soul and spiritual searching. I almost always come back with a question. Like the whole thing with my sister-in-law. I finally just figured it out last Friday. That's two months of worrying and over-analyzing. My realization is this: She probably hasn't give me or our conversation a single thought since the moment she blocked me on Facebook. Like it's a punishment for her to block me. "Oh, no… please, I love to be treated like crap! If you block me, you can't abuse me anymore!" Ha. Anyway, to continue, the answer I got was: since she's not given me another thought, let it go. If it ever comes up again, deal with it then. But I'm sure it won't. Sure she started the conversation saying I didn't deserve my husband's last name, but all that matters are the things I said to defend myself. It doesn't matter that she came swinging at me. Well, lady, I'm sorry, but if you don't want a fight, don't start anything, cause I'll finish it. My husband works late on Saturday, maybe I'll find the time to post everything between us then.

Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
I'm going to sum this up to what it really is. A grudge. Eventually I get over it, but it does take me a long time. Back in 1999 a guy I was "seeing" and my cousin really screwed me over. It took me until 2007 to fully work through it and move on. Even then, my trust issues are WAY worse than they were prior to all of that. And even though I've forgiven something doesn't mean I've forgotten. You can hurt me once, but I won't let you hurt me twice.

Now, to move on. I want to briefly touch on the death of Maya Angelou. She was a very inspirational person. As a parting thought, I'd love to use one of her quotes.

 

Fear

The place I work only has about 30 parking spaces up near the building. The rest of the 70 people have to park about two blocks down in a satellite parking lot. Because of the scarceness of the 30 close spaces, they are assigned each month to ensure everyone gets a fair shot of having one. When you're assigned a spot up close, if you're going to be gone for a day, you can "give" it to someone else for that day. Your choice.

The people I work with come in the regular variety. Fatty's (like me), average, and the super skinny that are obsessed with exercise least they look like me.

The thing I find interesting is that when there is an empty spot up close that whomever it belonged to for the month forgot to "give" it to someone, these super skinny people FIGHT to get the spot. I don't understand; if you're obsessed with exercise, I would think you'd welcome the two block walk. The worst offender has stickers pasted all over her car that says, "I<3Crossfit" or, "Join my Gym!" or, "I did a 10k"… just stupid stuff like that. I just don't get it. The other interesting thing is the Fatty's. They park far away and walk in, never trying to get closer or taking advantage of people who are gone. I would think that these two scenarios would be opposite.

I don't know why I brought that up; it's just been on my mind. Another thing that's been on my mind is Lap Band surgery. I texted my therapist to see if she thought it was a good idea for me. One because they make you do a psych evaluation when you start the process and two because she knows me best right now and would be able to say if it would actually work with me. She wrote back and told me she needed to research it and that she'd let me know. I'm going to guess that she's going to say no. Not unless we can fix my frame of mind. But if we fix my frame of mind, I won't need it. Oh how I love double edged swords.

Lately I've really immersed myself into the world of no one liking me. It included the few readers I have. So I did what I always do, I shut down and go numb to ignore the pain coursing through me. Sorry about that.

Moving on to the list. Today's items are brought under the headline of Repression. There's only three in the list… and all three apply to me!

Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.

Okay, this is kind of funny, because of that paragraph above where I said I shut down and went numb. I swear I didn't read the list items before I typed that. That just makes me laugh a little. :) I used to work retail. When I was stocking shelves and what not, I would just zone out. It was so nice to have eight hours a day where I didn't have to feel or think. I utilized it too much, I think. I wouldn't think it would be as easy as it is to just shut down, but it is. I also never realized it was because of fear and guilt. I always just thought it was because I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling, so I got rid of it. That still makes sense though, because if you're afraid to deal with your feelings… it's easier to not feel them. The hardest part is figuring out how to turn them back on…

Become afraid to let themselves be who they are.

People only want the part of me that is like themselves. I'm a pervert. I am. I'm crude and gross and disgusting. All things crass make me laugh so hard. I just can't help it. No one wants to see that though. They want me to be an innocent little girl that doesn't know anything. And when I do say something I shouldn't know, I get these looks. They are in a vast array from horrified to disgusted. Some people like the real me and I get to have fun and enjoy myself. But most the time, I have to have such a large filter in place that I just try not to say anything. People don't really care about what I have to say anyway, they just like to hear their own voices.

A lady I work with has taken it upon herself to be my work mother. When I say something she deems inappropriate, she waits until we're alone and tells me I shouldn't have said such and such or that she overheard a conversation between my husband and I that is inappropriate for work or anything else that gives her the control over me she wants. It's really funny because she's not here today and I find myself relaxed in a different way than usual. I've never really realized it before, but she stresses me out.

I was surprised to learn that my sisters think I'm angry. They think I'm an angry person because I don't talk very much around them. But I don't talk around them very much because they don't listen to me anyway! Why should I talk if I just get ignored?

Appear rigid and controlled.

I actually worry about this one a lot. I ask Jon a lot if he thinks I'm cold. I worry because I don't talk to people, so I look angry or annoyed. I don't talk to people because I don't trust anyone. I shut my emotions down and go numb… I worry that I appear rigid and controlled to someone that doesn't know me that well… Jon always says I'm not, but he has a skewed perspective. I'm afraid people think I'm a frigid bitch. :( But I don't know how to change it. I need to just understand that people are going to hate me whether I'm fat or skinny. Whether I'm bubbly or depressed. Whether I'm blonde or brunette. I need to stop the control my fear has over me and my weight. Maybe this is it. People do hate me, but that doesn't mean I have to hate me too.

B

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait…

Today has a lot of list items… I did that because they're all basically the same. Well, the same in two different categories. :) Either way, I believe I've talked about all of them previously. Anyway, here they are:

Wish good things would happen to them.
Believe good things never will happen.
Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.

Wish others would like and love them.
Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
Settle for being needed.

I really like doing this and writing about these things because I feel like I finally get them out of my system. At the same time, I hate doing it because I feel like all I do is complain. I actually have a pretty decent life. It's not all dreary and doom. But then any little thing happens and I'm reminded that nothing good ever happens to me. I'm a horrible person and don't even deserve good things, so it's pretty logical that nothing good would happen… but I sure wish I was worth having something good happen.

I just get so frustrated with everything. I watch other people and see them getting the great blessings I had hoped for… and I'm just on the sidelines wishing I could be good enough to deserve that stuff. Does that mean I'm coveting my neighbor? What does covet even mean? Merriam-Webster says:

covet

: to wish for earnestly
: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably
: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another

Yeah… I guess I'm breaking that commandment pretty much every day… It reminds me of that quote, "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it." I always thought… When!?!? :)

The blessings I mean are; all through my 20's I only wanted to be married. I watched everyone else get it. I was 32 when I finally got married! Now, all my friends my age have kids that are 15 years old. I probably won't even get to have kids. And I'm getting older and keep thinking, do I really even want them?? Sorry, this went a total different direction than I had intended. Guess it was on my mind. :) Someday things will work out the way I want them. Until then, guess I just have to wait.

B

Low Self-Esteem

I'm a sarcastic person. I enjoy the wit of it. Most of the time my husband is okay with it, but sometimes, not so much. His family mostly isn't okay with it. I used sarcasm when talking to his sister (I know, I still need to talk about what went on there) and she said, "Oh, sarcasm. You must have low self-esteem!" Or something to that effect. It's true, so I didn't bother correcting her or saying something, but it's gotten me thinking. First off, I have to say, just because you use sarcasm does not mean you have low self-esteem. She's just an uptight Hispanic woman that thinks her lot in life is the hardest and that everyone should bow to her and learn from her. Don't we all have news for her! ;)

Anyway, my thoughts carried me off to Google again. I found this fun little gem:

Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

1. Social withdrawal
2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil
3. Lack of social skills and self-confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
4. Less social conformity
5. Eating disorders
6. Inability to accept compliments
7. An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
8. Accentuating the negative
9. Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think
10. Self-neglect
11. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
12. Worrying whether you have treated others badly
13. Reluctance to take on challenges
14. Reluctance to trust your own opinion
15. Expect little out of life for yourself

So if you're like me you read it like this: "1. Social withdrawal…. check." "2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil… check." And so on. Now, lucky me, I happen to identify with 13 of the 15! Two I don't identify with in the least and two others I identify with half way, so that's 12 whole ones and two half ones. :) I know, I'm special.

That list was found on a website that tied empathy to co-dependency. Well, not exactly tied them together, more like, "Can you be empathetic and co-dependent? YES YOU CAN!" This got me to thinking again; I've always been told that I'm empathetic, by quite a few different people actually. One thing it said that was interesting was that you can be empathetic without being co-dependent. And I think that I'm empathetic with the rest of the world and co-dependent with my dad. Because empathy means you can put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand how they feel. But with co-dependency you take it a step farther and try to anticipate that person's needs.

For instance, I used to help my dad in the garage. Building things, fixing things, learning things… I liked it when he was pleased with me, so I would try to anticipate that he would need a Philips screwdriver, a flat head, a hammer, a wrench, whatever, and I would have the whole pile of what I thought he'd need on the floor by me. Inevitably I would not anticipate the most needed piece of equipment and fail my love earning for the day. Then he'd just be mad at me and I'd go cry in the house because he was mad at me and he didn't want me or need me.

This website (I should have noted the address… I went back, it's http://empathicperspectives.blogspot.com/2010/01/codependency-empath-quizzes.html) also touched into a category I'd not heard of before, "Love addict." Based on what it said, I have that.


The Love Addict

This type of person needs to be loved in order to feel they have any value and/or worth. At the same time, they also tend to hold the beliefs that they are incapable of inspiring real love in others and are truly not worthy of such ardent emotions directed at them.

Because of this, one who is a Love Addict will go from relationship to relationship, with unrealistic expectations and come away disappointed. Or, they will find themselves in relationships that are unhealthy and/or abusive in some way.

Abusive relationships will often reinforce a Love Addicts beliefs that they are worthless and not worthy of love. And this can make them cling to their partner, as though they were their savior for having loved them at all, even in an abusive way.

Anyway, I think I've given myself enough food for thought today, I'm going to pass on the regular list that I pull from. With any luck, I'll get to start therapy up again next month. Everyone cross your fingers!

B

Yup, Worthless.

I'm going to try out the blog poster in Word… see how I like it. So far, so good! Nothing really to post about today. Sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling up to it. I ended up having a lunch meeting, so I was unable to attend Al-Anon. I hope to be there next week though. I'm actually feeling pretty insignificant this week and it's making things tough. I actually thought about not writing in here again because I figured no one cared any way… but I need to remember this is for me. I'm trying to help me.

Today's topics are:

Try to help other people live their lives instead.

To me, this ties back to the "giving unwanted advice" thing. I know I only try to fix things the way I try to is because my dad wanted things fixed. I remember making phone calls for him, taking notes for him… wow, I think I was his secretary! I used to lift weights with him, not because I wanted to lift weights, but because it was a way to spend time with him.

Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.

It's cause it makes me feel important. Needed. Growing up, I was daddy's helper. Guess why. I learned great things that my sisters have no clue about it, but it didn't give me a long lasting impression of what I needed. I can basically do any kind of maintenance on a car, I know how to build things, put in a new toilet, replace a water heater, maintain a yard… I'm a pretty good handy-man. But now, when I need my dad's help, he won't come help me. I never realized it before, but I prided myself in knowing what tool he'd need, how he needed me to move something so he could nail it, or anything else like that. I got to the point that I could anticipate what he'd need and I'd do it before he asked.

I don't even know why I cared. I can scarcely stand to be around him anymore. Guess my spell of being good enough for my dad has finally been broken and I'm realizing I'll never be good enough for anyone and that I need to be okay with that. I think I am, mostly. Some days though, it's hard.

Get strong feelings of low self-worth ---embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems.

Yes, I do this too; but only because it's usually a failure or a problem I've lived through and my feelings of empathy cause me to identify with them.

Guess this is it today. Not very chatty, am I? Sorry for the lack of pictures, but I'm not just feeling it today.

B

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I enjoy teasing my husband.  He usually does really well with it and we just end up giggling at each other.  One of my new favorite thing that just reduces me to tears of laughter is this:  I pinch his cheeks and pull them… it’s so hard to describe!  It looks like he is going in and out of g-force winds and the sound it makes is hilarious!!!  I can’t even do it for more than 10 seconds before I break down laughing.  He’s so nice to let me do that to him.  I think he likes that it makes me laugh so easily. :)

Today’s list items:

Have a lot of "should haves".

I do.  I should have said this, I should have done that… I also have a lot of shouldn’t haves.  I think more of those, maybe.  Like my dad and the whole pedicure thing… I shouldn’t have even bothered asking.  My birthday party; I shouldn’t have arranged it.  I should have just told them it was my day and I didn’t want to.

Feel a lot of guilt.

Oh yes, copious amounts.  I feel guilty for spending my Saturday how I want, without helping my dad.  I feel guilty when I do something that makes me not “perfect.”  I feel guilty for feeling ashamed for other people’s actions around my dad.  I feel guilty for standing up for myself.  Whether asking for a raise or a bonus, at a job interview, to a co-worker… I feel guilty for saying something wrong that I didn’t know was wrong until someone told me it was.

I’ve talked about one of my co-workers before that takes it upon herself to by my mother.  She tells me all the time when I say something that she deems inappropriate.  Then I sit there and worry that I’ve offended whomever when all I was trying to do was participate in a conversation.  As a result; when I’m out in a group with her, I’ve stopped saying as much.  If I can’t say something right, why say anything at all.

Feel ashamed of who they are.

Oh yes.  After I broke up with my ex (the alcoholic) I ended up being quite depressed.  I didn’t realize I was until now that I look back.  I was in a bad way.  My escape from being me was being a girl I’d made up online.  It was my perfect me.  In other words, it was me, with a different face and a different body.  I have many regrets from that time period.  It was 2002-2006.  And I learned one big lesson.  My regrets are that I hurt people I didn’t mean to hurt.  I didn’t know how to explain what I was doing because I didn’t totally understand it myself.  But the big lesson I learned is that I personally only have value when I’m pretty and skinny.  Because with some of these guys, they loved me, I know they loved me, they loved my personality, my wit, my sense of humor… and when I felt that they loved me, I showed them who I really was… I’ve never seen anything disappear that fast.  I get that it was wrong and I shouldn’t have lied… but it was an online relationship, it’s not like it was going anywhere.  The two specific people I’m thinking off dropped off the planet and to this day they still have no idea what I did what I did.  The answer is quite simple though; I hated myself.  And I was too big of a coward to do anything about it.  So I killed myself the way I could.  Online.  I did not exist.  My perfect version of me did.  And it was great.  I felt so alive and fulfilled when I was online with my friends… I wanted to be anyone but me.

I still hate myself.  But not to that degree.  And I think it’s more of a loathing now than actual hate. :)

Think their lives are not worth living.

Ha!  See above. ;)  NOW it is worth living and I’m getting things sorted out, but I don’t even know how many times I checked my life insurance to make sure it would pay out in the event of a suicide.  I don’t know how many times I thought of steering into oncoming traffic and making it look like I didn’t mean to.  The only reason I didn’t?  Yeah, that was because I knew I would fail.  I failed at everything else… I always thought if I took pills I wouldn’t take enough, if I slit my wrist it wouldn’t be deep enough, if I wrecked my car it wouldn’t be deadly enough.

A few years back, there was a woman that decided she was going to kill herself and her baby.  She strapped herself into the car and the baby into the car seat and drove into a river.  Idaho gets cold in the winter and this was February or so.  She thought her car would be heavy enough to fall through the ice and they’d drown.  Little did she know her car would slide across the ice, go over the water fall, and land upside down on a small island of protruding rocks.  She and her baby were perfectly fine.  I never heard what happened after that; but this is the kind of thing that would happen to me if I were to go through with anything like that.

I know there are people out there reading this, I see the traffic reports. ;)  I just hope I’m helping some of you, amusing some of you, or bringing thoughts to your mind you wouldn’t have before.  I’d love to talk to any of you if you wanted to.  Just leave a comment.  I promise I won’t judge… that’s one good thing about me is that I don’t judge.  It’s not my place.  And it’s hard to offend me, so say what’s on your mind.  Let’s get talking. :)

B

Victims

First, this is just a list of definitions I totally identify with, so you get to see them too. :)

 So the one good thing that’s come from that pedicure text with my dad is that I think, for me, it was the “last straw.”  I’m done asking him to do stuff with me.  It’s kind of like what happened with my sister’s.  I’m done trying to have a relationship with him.  If he wants to have one with me, he can call me.  And when he does, I’m more than happy to go with him, if I can.  If he doesn’t call, no skin off my nose.

 

I remember asking my marriage counselor when I’d stop caring so much about what my dad thought… apparently it’s now.  I’m tired of trying to spend time with him when he doesn’t want to.  I’m tired of liking what he likes so he will be happy.  I want to like what I like and screw him.  He doesn’t like such and such?  Well, too bad, cause I love it.  He doesn’t have to do it with me, now does he?

Onto another topic.  I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Jon’s been really weird about his phone.  So Saturday I said to him, “What do you have on there that you don’t want me to see?”  He, of course, said nothing was on there.  But he gets this look in his eyes when he’s lying to me.  I knew he was lying.  I told him so and he kept denying it.  About 45 minutes later he texted me and told me he’d been looking at porn and other type sites like that.  I kind of knew, because the last time we went through a dry spell this bad (still February 13^th!) it was also because of porn.

I told him he needed to decide what to do because in our marriage there is only room for two.  Me and him, him and porn, or me and porn (which wouldn’t happen).  I get so sick of this pattern.  I asked him why he kept defaulting to this if it didn’t work any of the other times and he said he didn’t know.  I told him he needed to talk to our therapist about it, because when I brought it up with her before, he denied it.  Well, now I know it’s cause he didn’t want to stop yet…. again.  Is it any wonder I have horrible self-esteem when it comes to him??

Today’s list items are:

Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.

I’ve already kind of touched on this one.  Emotional abuse, abandonment, and alcoholism are the ones that affected my life.  The thing is, I know none of the “offenders” meant it as such… but because of that, I almost feel like I have no one to blame, but myself.  Which isn’t true either.  I didn’t ask for it.  In regards to my dad… it was just my lot in life.  I think I’ve been physically abused a tad too.  Nothing like other people have been through, which is why I even hesitate to put it, but I’ve been bitten, spanked, and my dad used to make my sister’s and I hit each other.  I’ve had faux hitting too… my ex-alcoholic used to punch stuff around me, but not me.  Jon has done it too, but only once around me.

I feel bad for any abuse victims out there and really hope they find the courage to change their lives.  And I know I have it pretty easy compared to some.  But compared to others, I have it pretty rough too.

 

Feel like victims.

I don’t know that I would classify my feeling as “victim,” but I do feel used by others, which I’ve already talked about.

Tell themselves they can't do anything right.

Oh yes.  This is one of those thoughts that gets me going down my spiral.  Whether it’s a game of Candy Crush or a typo on an email.  Again, we’ve delved into this one before.

Be afraid of making mistakes.

I am, but I’m not.  If I set out to learn something, then I don’t mind.  But if I should already know it, I beat myself up pretty badly.  This falls under the category of not doing anything right.

Onto a different topic.  I guess it’s my wrap-up. :)  In my late 20’s, I decided I needed to be okay doing stuff on my own for a couple reasons, 1) I’d pushed all my friends away and 2) I didn’t think I was ever going to meet anyone to marry and I decided I’d be on my own anyway and I needed to be okay with it.  I started off going to a Sunday morning matinee by myself (back when I wasn’t attending church regularly).  Then I started eating out at fast food places alone, Burger King and Arby’s.  Then I started being able to go to diner type places.  Now, I think I could go sit at Olive Garden or Texas Roadhouse and have a meal by myself and be perfectly content with it.  I even went to opening night of several movies and chilled by myself.

My point is, that I’m glad I trained myself while I could.  I’ve ended up doing more by myself after I was married than I ever did single.  My cousin found out I was going to movies and he wanted to go, so he and I started going weekly.  Then he met his wife and dropped me like a hot potato.  But that’s okay, cause at the time I’d just met Jon. 

My co-workers found out I was going to lunch alone and they started coming with me.  I still have 1-2 days a week where I go by myself… and that is why I’m glad I trained myself to be okay out in public alone.  Just because no one wants to be around me doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun.  I’ve started bringing my headphones with me to lunch and I watch Netflix when I’m alone.  It’s pretty fun.  It’s a good way to distract from the coldness moving over my heart and to keep the spiral at bay.  Someday I hope to trust people again.  I don’t know what it would take though… a miracle?

B

Rejection

I’m so glad it’s Friday!  I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow!  I’m actually doing pretty good today, it’s nice. :)

Here are today’s list items:

Feel different from the rest of the world.

I always feel like I’m the only one that feels this way.  I feel like I’m a wallflower, blending in, no one noticing that I need help.  I drew this picture once of a door with a high up barred window.  Small building, no windows, and high bushes/hedges growing around the front door.  You could see my eyes through the darkness of the room I was in.  And buried in the dirt, a key poking out.  I think I titled it, “Won’t anyone help me?”  I guess I still feel trapped like that.

I think I “romanticize” being the only one so much that it comes as a surprise to me when other people admit to the same feelings.  That’s one thing that really appeals to me about Al-Anon; everyone says things I would say.  They feel things I’ve felt… I’m not alone in my feelings!  They’ve been through what I’ve been through, many of them worse.  I feel less trapped when I’m there.

Think they're not quite good enough.

I don’t think I’m not quite good enough.  I think I am NOT good enough.  To the extent that if I was “good enough” as a person in general, I could pass my level on Candy Crush – remember that?  I don’t ever feel like I fit in, that anyone likes me, or even care if I was gone.  My sisters both tried to commit suicide.  I never did.  Because with my luck, I’d fail at that too, then I’d be stuck needing “saved” and just wishing I was gone.

My mom says suicide is the ultimate form of selfishness.  I agree.  But for some reason, when it comes to me, I don’t think it applies.  I think it’s because I don’t think anyone would even notice.  They’d just go about their business and maybe in 12 years or so, someone might say, “Hey, do you remember that one girl that was kind of funny?  What ever happened to her?”

Now, don’t be fretting.  I’m NOT suicidal.  I’m relaying past feelings. :)

Fear rejection. 

Oh yeah.  100%.  To the extent that I’d rather push my husband away than think that he’d reject me.  He’s rejected me often enough that my silly “push away armor” has appeared.  He gets so frustrated with me, which I can understand, but I can’t just stop.  He has to accept me and not reject me, then I’ll stop pushing.  But, my pushing is me “rejecting” him so he’s done the same thing and now neither one of us knows how to get back to where we were.  It’s so frustrating.

I think too that the fear of rejection is why I keep people at arm’s length.  Even “friends.”  I just don’t really let anyone in.  I was just telling my friend the other day after Al-Anon, I feel bad because I don’t really say anything in there.  I don’t really say anything at work either.  I think that’s why I feel like no one likes me.  They don’t ever ask me things.  Or if they do, it’s like my mom and I feel like their attention is forced and they don’t really mean it.

Take things personally.

If there is a way to internalize something, I will find it.  Like I said before, snowing in June?  It’s my fault.  My dad doesn’t want to have a pedicure with me, I must have done something to make him mad.  My ex alcoholic verbally abused me, I was just too unbearable to live with.  I mess up on a thing at work, it’s cause I’m stupid and I shouldn’t be trusted with anything.  If I don’t do most things “perfectly” I really go for a slide down my spiral.

My mom used to tell me, when I was in elementary school, that I was just super sensitive.  I was.  Because of conditioning from my dad.  If I messed up on something, I got yelled at.  Even when I was little and burned both my hands on a space heater, I got yelled at for being stupid and putting my hands on there.  I was three!  I didn’t know what I was doing!  I barely even remember it!  I really go overboard when it comes to my dad, I guess.  I get so mad at him, so angry that he couldn’t just let me grow up and be nice to me… but what could I say now?  The one time I tried broaching the topic with me, he said, “That was a long time ago and I did the best I know how.  I wipe my hands of anything that was wrong.”

Gee, thanks dad.  Sure helps me validate the HORRIBLE HURRICANE OF DEVISTATING EMOTIONS SWIRLING INSIDE OF ME!!!  Someday, I just want him to say, “I’m sorry, honey.  I didn’t know what I was doing, but I shouldn’t have done that.”  Or just something along those lines.  You know that saying, “Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it,”?  All I want to know is: When?

B

Compliments

It’s Thursday!!!  Thursday is my favorite day.  It’s the last day before Friday and the weekend!  I think it has something to do with the fact that I was born on a Thursday, but don’t quote me on that. :)  So my night was pretty uneventful.  Gave myself a pedicure while I watched Grown Ups 2 and when Jon got home, I made us dinner.  We finished the movie and went in to bed.  Ah, the grown up life. :)

Here are today’s list items.  Again, they are under the topic of Low Self-Worth.

Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.

I hate being shushed or told to be quiet.  Even when I’m being quiet or not talking or even if I’m screaming, I HATE it.  I really see red and I try my best to avoid the person that did the shushing.  It doesn’t matter if they’re being mean about it, nice about it, or they just want some quiet.  I get so mad!  I feel like that person is trying to control me and it just pisses me off.  There was this one co-worker that I generally liked.  I mean, I wasn’t best friends with her, but we were friendly.  One day, teasing me, she said, “Becki, have you had caffeine?”  I laughed and said, “Maybe….”  But inside I was SO mad!  That was back in 2007.  I never really liked her after that.  Like I’d say hi to her and be cordial, but I wouldn’t talk to her like I used to.

I have another co-worker that is about 10 years older than me.  She acts like my dad and it really rubs me the wrong way.  “Make sure you ask your supervisor if it’s okay for you to do that.”  “Be sure to go wish so and so a happy birthday.”  “Look at me, I’m the favorite.”  Well, she doesn’t ever say that last one, but I feel it a lot.  I’m 35, I’m fairly polite, and I’ve managed to live this long without being murdered over offending someone.  I’m pretty sure I’m good.  She’s still worried about me though and kind of hovers.

Mostly I like her, but lately, actually since I started therapy and started feeling better about myself, I really don’t like to be around her.  I don’t like to tell her stuff, I don’t like to help her with things, I just am turned off by the idea of friendship with her.

I guess it’s safe to say I fit this. ;)

Reject compliments or praise

I don’t know that I actually reject them, but I do know that I have a hard time accepting them.  If someone likes my shirt, I say, “Thanks, I got it at ____.”  Or other things like that.  I thought I was doing just fine and accepting this stuff, but my therapist pointed out that no one cares where I got the shirt or pants or whatever.  Because of that realization, I have such a hard time now!  I don’t know what to say!  Thanks seems so underwhelming.  Monday a co-worker admired my hair, I started rambling about when I got it done, then thought “shoot!  She doesn’t care!” so I hurried and tried to finish it off with, “I like it too.”  Which makes me sound SO conceded!  I don’t know what to do differently though!

Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)

I get this at work.  If I’m not recognized, I feel like I’m doing a bad job, that I don’t deserve anything, and get myself down.  I also convert this into attention and to me, attention = important.  So if I was important to people and they cared about me, they’d lavish the attention onto me and we’d all be happy.  But that’s not how it works.  I also rarely believe compliments or praise.  Jon has it the hardest, I fear.  He says I’m beautiful and I just… I don’t believe him.

I really do this though, and I wish I didn’t.  I wonder if it’s because my sister’s got praise from my parents and I didn’t?  I was always kind of, over-looked.  My older sister wanted to take ballet, so I took it too.  All our recitals were together.  She learned piano, I wanted to too.  She played 2 years before I got to learn… so she had two years of recitals to herself, then I shared with her.  On and on and on like this until I got to high school.  After that, I resented my parents whenever they showed an interest in what I was doing and I quit it.  I attempted to join the volleyball team, when my mom started buying stuff and encouraging me to do it… I dropped it.  Then the swim team, same result.  Once both my sister’s moved away, it was like my mom wiped her brow, turned to me and said, “NOW I have time for you.”  I told her to screw off.  Things are better now, but I still feel the same way.  They didn’t want to care about me, so now I won’t let them.

B