Victims

First, this is just a list of definitions I totally identify with, so you get to see them too. :)

 So the one good thing that’s come from that pedicure text with my dad is that I think, for me, it was the “last straw.”  I’m done asking him to do stuff with me.  It’s kind of like what happened with my sister’s.  I’m done trying to have a relationship with him.  If he wants to have one with me, he can call me.  And when he does, I’m more than happy to go with him, if I can.  If he doesn’t call, no skin off my nose.

 

I remember asking my marriage counselor when I’d stop caring so much about what my dad thought… apparently it’s now.  I’m tired of trying to spend time with him when he doesn’t want to.  I’m tired of liking what he likes so he will be happy.  I want to like what I like and screw him.  He doesn’t like such and such?  Well, too bad, cause I love it.  He doesn’t have to do it with me, now does he?

Onto another topic.  I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Jon’s been really weird about his phone.  So Saturday I said to him, “What do you have on there that you don’t want me to see?”  He, of course, said nothing was on there.  But he gets this look in his eyes when he’s lying to me.  I knew he was lying.  I told him so and he kept denying it.  About 45 minutes later he texted me and told me he’d been looking at porn and other type sites like that.  I kind of knew, because the last time we went through a dry spell this bad (still February 13^th!) it was also because of porn.

I told him he needed to decide what to do because in our marriage there is only room for two.  Me and him, him and porn, or me and porn (which wouldn’t happen).  I get so sick of this pattern.  I asked him why he kept defaulting to this if it didn’t work any of the other times and he said he didn’t know.  I told him he needed to talk to our therapist about it, because when I brought it up with her before, he denied it.  Well, now I know it’s cause he didn’t want to stop yet…. again.  Is it any wonder I have horrible self-esteem when it comes to him??

Today’s list items are:

Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.

I’ve already kind of touched on this one.  Emotional abuse, abandonment, and alcoholism are the ones that affected my life.  The thing is, I know none of the “offenders” meant it as such… but because of that, I almost feel like I have no one to blame, but myself.  Which isn’t true either.  I didn’t ask for it.  In regards to my dad… it was just my lot in life.  I think I’ve been physically abused a tad too.  Nothing like other people have been through, which is why I even hesitate to put it, but I’ve been bitten, spanked, and my dad used to make my sister’s and I hit each other.  I’ve had faux hitting too… my ex-alcoholic used to punch stuff around me, but not me.  Jon has done it too, but only once around me.

I feel bad for any abuse victims out there and really hope they find the courage to change their lives.  And I know I have it pretty easy compared to some.  But compared to others, I have it pretty rough too.

 

Feel like victims.

I don’t know that I would classify my feeling as “victim,” but I do feel used by others, which I’ve already talked about.

Tell themselves they can't do anything right.

Oh yes.  This is one of those thoughts that gets me going down my spiral.  Whether it’s a game of Candy Crush or a typo on an email.  Again, we’ve delved into this one before.

Be afraid of making mistakes.

I am, but I’m not.  If I set out to learn something, then I don’t mind.  But if I should already know it, I beat myself up pretty badly.  This falls under the category of not doing anything right.

Onto a different topic.  I guess it’s my wrap-up. :)  In my late 20’s, I decided I needed to be okay doing stuff on my own for a couple reasons, 1) I’d pushed all my friends away and 2) I didn’t think I was ever going to meet anyone to marry and I decided I’d be on my own anyway and I needed to be okay with it.  I started off going to a Sunday morning matinee by myself (back when I wasn’t attending church regularly).  Then I started eating out at fast food places alone, Burger King and Arby’s.  Then I started being able to go to diner type places.  Now, I think I could go sit at Olive Garden or Texas Roadhouse and have a meal by myself and be perfectly content with it.  I even went to opening night of several movies and chilled by myself.

My point is, that I’m glad I trained myself while I could.  I’ve ended up doing more by myself after I was married than I ever did single.  My cousin found out I was going to movies and he wanted to go, so he and I started going weekly.  Then he met his wife and dropped me like a hot potato.  But that’s okay, cause at the time I’d just met Jon. 

My co-workers found out I was going to lunch alone and they started coming with me.  I still have 1-2 days a week where I go by myself… and that is why I’m glad I trained myself to be okay out in public alone.  Just because no one wants to be around me doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun.  I’ve started bringing my headphones with me to lunch and I watch Netflix when I’m alone.  It’s pretty fun.  It’s a good way to distract from the coldness moving over my heart and to keep the spiral at bay.  Someday I hope to trust people again.  I don’t know what it would take though… a miracle?

B