Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I enjoy teasing my husband.  He usually does really well with it and we just end up giggling at each other.  One of my new favorite thing that just reduces me to tears of laughter is this:  I pinch his cheeks and pull them… it’s so hard to describe!  It looks like he is going in and out of g-force winds and the sound it makes is hilarious!!!  I can’t even do it for more than 10 seconds before I break down laughing.  He’s so nice to let me do that to him.  I think he likes that it makes me laugh so easily. :)

Today’s list items:

Have a lot of "should haves".

I do.  I should have said this, I should have done that… I also have a lot of shouldn’t haves.  I think more of those, maybe.  Like my dad and the whole pedicure thing… I shouldn’t have even bothered asking.  My birthday party; I shouldn’t have arranged it.  I should have just told them it was my day and I didn’t want to.

Feel a lot of guilt.

Oh yes, copious amounts.  I feel guilty for spending my Saturday how I want, without helping my dad.  I feel guilty when I do something that makes me not “perfect.”  I feel guilty for feeling ashamed for other people’s actions around my dad.  I feel guilty for standing up for myself.  Whether asking for a raise or a bonus, at a job interview, to a co-worker… I feel guilty for saying something wrong that I didn’t know was wrong until someone told me it was.

I’ve talked about one of my co-workers before that takes it upon herself to by my mother.  She tells me all the time when I say something that she deems inappropriate.  Then I sit there and worry that I’ve offended whomever when all I was trying to do was participate in a conversation.  As a result; when I’m out in a group with her, I’ve stopped saying as much.  If I can’t say something right, why say anything at all.

Feel ashamed of who they are.

Oh yes.  After I broke up with my ex (the alcoholic) I ended up being quite depressed.  I didn’t realize I was until now that I look back.  I was in a bad way.  My escape from being me was being a girl I’d made up online.  It was my perfect me.  In other words, it was me, with a different face and a different body.  I have many regrets from that time period.  It was 2002-2006.  And I learned one big lesson.  My regrets are that I hurt people I didn’t mean to hurt.  I didn’t know how to explain what I was doing because I didn’t totally understand it myself.  But the big lesson I learned is that I personally only have value when I’m pretty and skinny.  Because with some of these guys, they loved me, I know they loved me, they loved my personality, my wit, my sense of humor… and when I felt that they loved me, I showed them who I really was… I’ve never seen anything disappear that fast.  I get that it was wrong and I shouldn’t have lied… but it was an online relationship, it’s not like it was going anywhere.  The two specific people I’m thinking off dropped off the planet and to this day they still have no idea what I did what I did.  The answer is quite simple though; I hated myself.  And I was too big of a coward to do anything about it.  So I killed myself the way I could.  Online.  I did not exist.  My perfect version of me did.  And it was great.  I felt so alive and fulfilled when I was online with my friends… I wanted to be anyone but me.

I still hate myself.  But not to that degree.  And I think it’s more of a loathing now than actual hate. :)

Think their lives are not worth living.

Ha!  See above. ;)  NOW it is worth living and I’m getting things sorted out, but I don’t even know how many times I checked my life insurance to make sure it would pay out in the event of a suicide.  I don’t know how many times I thought of steering into oncoming traffic and making it look like I didn’t mean to.  The only reason I didn’t?  Yeah, that was because I knew I would fail.  I failed at everything else… I always thought if I took pills I wouldn’t take enough, if I slit my wrist it wouldn’t be deep enough, if I wrecked my car it wouldn’t be deadly enough.

A few years back, there was a woman that decided she was going to kill herself and her baby.  She strapped herself into the car and the baby into the car seat and drove into a river.  Idaho gets cold in the winter and this was February or so.  She thought her car would be heavy enough to fall through the ice and they’d drown.  Little did she know her car would slide across the ice, go over the water fall, and land upside down on a small island of protruding rocks.  She and her baby were perfectly fine.  I never heard what happened after that; but this is the kind of thing that would happen to me if I were to go through with anything like that.

I know there are people out there reading this, I see the traffic reports. ;)  I just hope I’m helping some of you, amusing some of you, or bringing thoughts to your mind you wouldn’t have before.  I’d love to talk to any of you if you wanted to.  Just leave a comment.  I promise I won’t judge… that’s one good thing about me is that I don’t judge.  It’s not my place.  And it’s hard to offend me, so say what’s on your mind.  Let’s get talking. :)

B