Rejection

I’m so glad it’s Friday!  I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow!  I’m actually doing pretty good today, it’s nice. :)

Here are today’s list items:

Feel different from the rest of the world.

I always feel like I’m the only one that feels this way.  I feel like I’m a wallflower, blending in, no one noticing that I need help.  I drew this picture once of a door with a high up barred window.  Small building, no windows, and high bushes/hedges growing around the front door.  You could see my eyes through the darkness of the room I was in.  And buried in the dirt, a key poking out.  I think I titled it, “Won’t anyone help me?”  I guess I still feel trapped like that.

I think I “romanticize” being the only one so much that it comes as a surprise to me when other people admit to the same feelings.  That’s one thing that really appeals to me about Al-Anon; everyone says things I would say.  They feel things I’ve felt… I’m not alone in my feelings!  They’ve been through what I’ve been through, many of them worse.  I feel less trapped when I’m there.

Think they're not quite good enough.

I don’t think I’m not quite good enough.  I think I am NOT good enough.  To the extent that if I was “good enough” as a person in general, I could pass my level on Candy Crush – remember that?  I don’t ever feel like I fit in, that anyone likes me, or even care if I was gone.  My sisters both tried to commit suicide.  I never did.  Because with my luck, I’d fail at that too, then I’d be stuck needing “saved” and just wishing I was gone.

My mom says suicide is the ultimate form of selfishness.  I agree.  But for some reason, when it comes to me, I don’t think it applies.  I think it’s because I don’t think anyone would even notice.  They’d just go about their business and maybe in 12 years or so, someone might say, “Hey, do you remember that one girl that was kind of funny?  What ever happened to her?”

Now, don’t be fretting.  I’m NOT suicidal.  I’m relaying past feelings. :)

Fear rejection. 

Oh yeah.  100%.  To the extent that I’d rather push my husband away than think that he’d reject me.  He’s rejected me often enough that my silly “push away armor” has appeared.  He gets so frustrated with me, which I can understand, but I can’t just stop.  He has to accept me and not reject me, then I’ll stop pushing.  But, my pushing is me “rejecting” him so he’s done the same thing and now neither one of us knows how to get back to where we were.  It’s so frustrating.

I think too that the fear of rejection is why I keep people at arm’s length.  Even “friends.”  I just don’t really let anyone in.  I was just telling my friend the other day after Al-Anon, I feel bad because I don’t really say anything in there.  I don’t really say anything at work either.  I think that’s why I feel like no one likes me.  They don’t ever ask me things.  Or if they do, it’s like my mom and I feel like their attention is forced and they don’t really mean it.

Take things personally.

If there is a way to internalize something, I will find it.  Like I said before, snowing in June?  It’s my fault.  My dad doesn’t want to have a pedicure with me, I must have done something to make him mad.  My ex alcoholic verbally abused me, I was just too unbearable to live with.  I mess up on a thing at work, it’s cause I’m stupid and I shouldn’t be trusted with anything.  If I don’t do most things “perfectly” I really go for a slide down my spiral.

My mom used to tell me, when I was in elementary school, that I was just super sensitive.  I was.  Because of conditioning from my dad.  If I messed up on something, I got yelled at.  Even when I was little and burned both my hands on a space heater, I got yelled at for being stupid and putting my hands on there.  I was three!  I didn’t know what I was doing!  I barely even remember it!  I really go overboard when it comes to my dad, I guess.  I get so mad at him, so angry that he couldn’t just let me grow up and be nice to me… but what could I say now?  The one time I tried broaching the topic with me, he said, “That was a long time ago and I did the best I know how.  I wipe my hands of anything that was wrong.”

Gee, thanks dad.  Sure helps me validate the HORRIBLE HURRICANE OF DEVISTATING EMOTIONS SWIRLING INSIDE OF ME!!!  Someday, I just want him to say, “I’m sorry, honey.  I didn’t know what I was doing, but I shouldn’t have done that.”  Or just something along those lines.  You know that saying, “Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it,”?  All I want to know is: When?

B