Fear

The place I work only has about 30 parking spaces up near the building. The rest of the 70 people have to park about two blocks down in a satellite parking lot. Because of the scarceness of the 30 close spaces, they are assigned each month to ensure everyone gets a fair shot of having one. When you're assigned a spot up close, if you're going to be gone for a day, you can "give" it to someone else for that day. Your choice.

The people I work with come in the regular variety. Fatty's (like me), average, and the super skinny that are obsessed with exercise least they look like me.

The thing I find interesting is that when there is an empty spot up close that whomever it belonged to for the month forgot to "give" it to someone, these super skinny people FIGHT to get the spot. I don't understand; if you're obsessed with exercise, I would think you'd welcome the two block walk. The worst offender has stickers pasted all over her car that says, "I<3Crossfit" or, "Join my Gym!" or, "I did a 10k"… just stupid stuff like that. I just don't get it. The other interesting thing is the Fatty's. They park far away and walk in, never trying to get closer or taking advantage of people who are gone. I would think that these two scenarios would be opposite.

I don't know why I brought that up; it's just been on my mind. Another thing that's been on my mind is Lap Band surgery. I texted my therapist to see if she thought it was a good idea for me. One because they make you do a psych evaluation when you start the process and two because she knows me best right now and would be able to say if it would actually work with me. She wrote back and told me she needed to research it and that she'd let me know. I'm going to guess that she's going to say no. Not unless we can fix my frame of mind. But if we fix my frame of mind, I won't need it. Oh how I love double edged swords.

Lately I've really immersed myself into the world of no one liking me. It included the few readers I have. So I did what I always do, I shut down and go numb to ignore the pain coursing through me. Sorry about that.

Moving on to the list. Today's items are brought under the headline of Repression. There's only three in the list… and all three apply to me!

Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.

Okay, this is kind of funny, because of that paragraph above where I said I shut down and went numb. I swear I didn't read the list items before I typed that. That just makes me laugh a little. :) I used to work retail. When I was stocking shelves and what not, I would just zone out. It was so nice to have eight hours a day where I didn't have to feel or think. I utilized it too much, I think. I wouldn't think it would be as easy as it is to just shut down, but it is. I also never realized it was because of fear and guilt. I always just thought it was because I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling, so I got rid of it. That still makes sense though, because if you're afraid to deal with your feelings… it's easier to not feel them. The hardest part is figuring out how to turn them back on…

Become afraid to let themselves be who they are.

People only want the part of me that is like themselves. I'm a pervert. I am. I'm crude and gross and disgusting. All things crass make me laugh so hard. I just can't help it. No one wants to see that though. They want me to be an innocent little girl that doesn't know anything. And when I do say something I shouldn't know, I get these looks. They are in a vast array from horrified to disgusted. Some people like the real me and I get to have fun and enjoy myself. But most the time, I have to have such a large filter in place that I just try not to say anything. People don't really care about what I have to say anyway, they just like to hear their own voices.

A lady I work with has taken it upon herself to be my work mother. When I say something she deems inappropriate, she waits until we're alone and tells me I shouldn't have said such and such or that she overheard a conversation between my husband and I that is inappropriate for work or anything else that gives her the control over me she wants. It's really funny because she's not here today and I find myself relaxed in a different way than usual. I've never really realized it before, but she stresses me out.

I was surprised to learn that my sisters think I'm angry. They think I'm an angry person because I don't talk very much around them. But I don't talk around them very much because they don't listen to me anyway! Why should I talk if I just get ignored?

Appear rigid and controlled.

I actually worry about this one a lot. I ask Jon a lot if he thinks I'm cold. I worry because I don't talk to people, so I look angry or annoyed. I don't talk to people because I don't trust anyone. I shut my emotions down and go numb… I worry that I appear rigid and controlled to someone that doesn't know me that well… Jon always says I'm not, but he has a skewed perspective. I'm afraid people think I'm a frigid bitch. :( But I don't know how to change it. I need to just understand that people are going to hate me whether I'm fat or skinny. Whether I'm bubbly or depressed. Whether I'm blonde or brunette. I need to stop the control my fear has over me and my weight. Maybe this is it. People do hate me, but that doesn't mean I have to hate me too.

B