I must be having some PMS symptom's (sorry) because I have been on an emotional rollercoaster today! Mostly it's the down side of it and not feeling happy.
I did have a thought today though. I get myself all down and depressed because no one ever wants to go to lunch with me… but I don't ask either. So I don't ask because I'm afraid they'll say no and when they don't ask me, I'm afraid no one likes me or cares about me. What an f-ed up way to view things. No wondering I'm always alone!
I haven't been very good about going to Al-Anon. I think I might try and find an online version or something. I don't want to go alone, for some reason. Maybe I feel out of place. Actually, if I'm being honest, I think it's because I'm afraid some of them may want to be friends with me and I'm not willing to let any of them in just yet.
Moving on! Today's list items are under the category of "Controlling".
Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
I've had two sides of a coin regarding this and my life. My dad is the epitome of control (everything just right), then I've also had an alcoholic that was (basically) pure chaos. The funny thing both sides of this story, out of control and total control, have both caused me sorrow and disappointment.
With my dad it's sorrow that I can't be what he wants me to be and that he'll always like my sisters more. Disappointment because I'm not better. With my ex, the sorrow was that I wasn't good enough for him and the disappointment was when I finally realized that. While we were dating, I don't know that I knew he was an alcoholic. I remember once I told him that I couldn't handle his drinking anymore and he had to decide what was more important to him. Me or beer. Guess who won that importance battle. I'll give you a hint, it wasn't me. The biggest thing he would say to me that just was the worst was, "You just don't think!" That used to crush me. Later, toward the end of the relationship, it made me mad. I think it was part of the end.
Regarding my dad, I remember one spring evening I was making hamburgers for the family for dinner (we each had a night to cook). I was 15 or so. Anyway, I went out onto the patio to check the BBQ and shut the screen door behind me. My dad yelled out (from his comfy spot on the couch), "Hey, Stupid! Shut the door. The air conditioner is on. I can't afford to cool the neighborhood." It was along the lines of, "You just don't THINK, do you?" Now I feel like I have to think about every eventuality and be prepared for it, otherwise I'm a stupid dummy face. In reality though, who could EVER be prepared like that?? Not even my dad, that's for sure.
Feel controlled by events and people.
I think I accidentally covered this one while talking about the other one. :) One thing I do want to say (it's been on my mind) is this: I feel like a child. I feel like I'm a 13 year old masquerading in a 35 year old body. I want to ask all my other adult friends if they feel like this too, but I'm afraid I'd be the weirdo, the odd man out, and end up with more heart-ache that I don't want or need. I hate feeling like this and wish I didn't. But I don't know how to feel like an adult. Even doing adult things I feel like a kid with a fake ID. I don't feel like I've been invited to the adult world… or that I've been rejected. Maybe it's just that I don't have kids, so I still feel like one? Do you have to have a kid to feel like an adult? I feel like I'm being bad and sneaking around when I don't tell my parents about stuff. But I also know I don't have to tell them, so it gets really confusing.
I'm not even sure how to end this. I think I want an alone vacation… for a week. Seven days of only worrying about me and what makes me happy. That would be nice.
B
No comments:
Post a Comment