Denial

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I expect from people, why I don't get what I need from them, and why I keep trying when I never get what I'm after. I've also been thinking about my childhood and what happened that suddenly I wasn't getting what I needed. And guess what I've come up with. A giant pile of nothing. :)

I've been thinking about what I'm waiting for Jon to give me before I feel like he wants me, needs me, and I'm important to him. There are the garden-variety answers like, "I want him to want to spend time with me." Or, "Our sex life needs help." But then I think, why do I have to wait for him to give me the feelings I need in order to feel like a full person? That answer is easy; I don't have to wait. But I'm not sure I know how to do it for myself either. I was doing pretty good while I was in therapy, but honestly… I think it's because my therapist believed in me and gave me what I needed. Will I ever be whole? I need to get the guts to just go to Al-Anon alone.

I've also been thinking about my husband's porn thing and what that means to me as the spouse of an addict to porn. I've been on Google a lot and really haven't found anything that has comforted me the way I've been wanting comfort. Because I am active in my religion I've been hesitant to talk to anyone about it because I don't want people to get all judgy about it. I just want to reach out to others that are going through or have been through this. Because of this addiction, I haven't felt like being intimate with Jon in months. I feel like we're best friends and room-mates, not husband and wife. Like I don't want to kiss him… I don't mind hugs and hand holding, but anything more than that… I haven't wanted it from him in a long time. That makes me quite sad actually. I'm hoping the door hasn't closed on this part of our relationship, but I'm really afraid that it has. He gets really upset whenever I bring this stuff up and he shuts down rather quickly, so I'm left without anywhere to turn and no one to connect with. It's really hard.

Today's list items come from the category of… Denial!

1. Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
2. Get depressed or sick.
3. Spend money compulsively.
4. Overeat.
5. Pretend those things aren't happening either.
6. Believe lies.
7. Lie to themselves.
8. Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.

I decided to just leave them like that and just talk about them because they usually all pertain to each other anyway. We've already talked about #1, the whole going numb thing. I don't do #2 as frequently, I think I end up there when it gets bad enough, but I don't usually stay. The worst one in my life was from about 2000 to 2007. The thing that made it so bad was that I didn't even know I was depressed. That was when I was doing my online thing. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not. I took to the internet because I could be the person I knew I was. Meaning a different shell. I thought if I could get someone to love ME, that what I looked like wouldn't matter. Basically I was setting myself up to be depressed for a while… guy after guy after guy left me and stopped talking to me once I told them what I really looked like; but that just fed into my original thing of being fat to protect myself. Cause people loved me until they saw I was fat, then I wasn't worth anything… again. Or still.

Number 3 I did more of when I was younger and living at home still. After I moved out on my own, that stopped because I didn't have as much spending money as I did while at home. I bought an electronic rolodex. Guess how much I used it. Once to put everybody's info into it, then never again. That was before cell phones. :) Number 4 we've established. And number 5 I did a lot of until recently. Number 6 I did. Until my ex-boyfriend (the alcoholic). Right before I met him, I was semi-dating someone. My very favorite cousin in the whole wide world came to town and within six months they were married. In the middle of all of that is when I met my alcoholic. Anyway, after all that, I guess I've become cynical. I don't really believe anything. I used to be super trusting.

Number 7 I do constantly. After all, no one loves me, no one wants me, I'm not important to anyone and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, those lies I believe. Number 8 is weird because it comes and goes. Mostly I wonder if I'm normal. I wonder why no one likes me and if it's because I'm fat and ugly and stupid. Sometimes though, I do feel like I'm going crazy. Those are the times I feel super overwhelmed with everything.

I was going to mention, I didn't write Saturday like I said because my dear sweet husband was home sick. He's caught a sinus infection. It sucks cause I was really looking forward to my time alone. Lol Oh well. He hasn't been to work since Friday night. Cutting it tight! Hopefully we'll get it figured out. :)

Happy Tuesday!

B