Confrontation

Hi! So I've been working on my new "12 Step" program. It gets quite deep into my specific religious beliefs and, as I said before, I don't really want this to be too much about religion; I've decided to just put the basics of what I'm doing and not just answer the questions on here. Unless there's a particularly good one I want to share. :)

During last week's meeting, I gave voice to the thought that I was mad at God. Basically blaming Him for everything in my life that's not gone how I planned. Which we all know is prideful and I should strive to align my will with His. Well, last night I had the first (of many, many, MANY conversations) with God. I told Him I was mad at Him. I asked Him why I didn't deserve to be loved or wanted or important. I asked Him why others deserved that, but I didn't. There were other things I asked. Mostly that was the accusatory conversation and now I need to meditate on that and go in again. I told Him that I deserved love and that I didn't understand why I didn't get happiness or other "goals" I had set (like motherhood) while those around me that are horrible mothers or whatnot get the thing that I've craved my whole life. Anyway, there was a lot of talking, crying, mental hugging, and basically He took it like a champ. :)

I've never put voice to all of the stuff I said to Him and I feel like that was an important first step. To just finally acknowledge my pain instead of pushing it down because I'm not supposed to feel that kind of stuff toward God. You know what, I'm not the first and I'm definitely not the last, but at least I have the means to get this settled and actually be the happy bubbly person I let the world see.

I think I've forgiven and moved on from most (if not all) of the hurts in my life, but I've blamed the Lord for them and never confronted Him. Anyway, we'll see how this goes, where it goes, and what happens next. Hopefully I'll continue to report good things. :)

B