Honesty

In talking with our church leader about Jon's addiction, we learned a lot of things. Our particular church has an addiction recovery program and I am actually quite excited about. It's like AA, but more focused on Christ and His atonement and how to apply it and work it.

I've also been thinking about my past posts. I think it was maybe a bit of a mistake to dwell on the list… it pulled down instead of up because I didn't know where to go with it. SO, I've decided I'm going to work this program my church leader gave us and I'm going to do it with all of my being! :)

The first "step" of this program is Honesty. It has a little section to read, then it has questions at the end. I'm just going to answer the questions on here, but if anyone is reading and would like more information regarding this program, please feel free to contact me via the comments section. I will be more than happy to help.

There are several sections of questions, each in its own little sub-section. The first section is "Encompassed by temptations." The question is: Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often? Yes, I feel encompassed and trapped. I mostly feel this way when I do something incorrectly, if I mess up, or if I'm overwhelmed emotionally. All of those things make me feel anxious and THAT is when I feel the most trapped and the most encompassed… and that is when I start searching for food to stuff into my face. Just trying to get rid of the anxious feeling.

Question 2: What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave in to your addiction? It's mostly when I feel less than or not good enough. I feel beaten down, like nothing matters, and I do my best to console myself.

Question 3: What can you do to place more trust in the Lord? I don't know. I think a lot of my hurt and pain I've "blamed" the Lord for. Pointed the finger, if you will. Blessings come when we live righteously, right? I've tried and tried and tried to live righteously and do the things I'm supposed to, but I can never measure up. I never get the blessings that others get. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. I'm 35 and overweight. Chances are, the mother thing isn't going to happen. But why? Am I so horrible that I don't deserve the things I see others getting? I guess I still have quite a bit of anger… I know it's on the Lord's timeline and not mine and I need to be patient and have faith, but it's so so so hard.

Next section is "I know that man is nothing." This talks about Moses. The first question is: How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents? Well, a child is of infinite worth because they are innocent and loving and trustworthy and untainted by the sins of the world. The "still be nothing when compared to the parents"… I'm not so sure about. Maybe it because a child can't do the work for Christ like an adult can. The phrase heading this section comes from a part where Moses gets to spend time with the Lord… I think it's because Moses finally sees how small he really is in God's infinite timeline. Comparing myself to Moses gets a bit dangerous because Moses was very important in God's timeline… and maybe I will be too, but chances are I'm nothing when compared to my parents, and they're nothing when compared to theirs all the way back to a turning point in God's timeline. But going forward, maybe I am a pivotal point. Children are the future and they ensure God's plan going where he needs to be… each generation is important until it isn't. What an interesting topic!

Question 2: In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God? You can't be any help to his timeline, you can't help progress the world to where it needs to be.

Question 3: In what ways are you of infinite worth? Well, without me, something's that needed to happen may not have. Example, my parents wouldn't have me in their lives, I don't know what would have been different for them to have only two children. Regardless of me doing anything "great" I'm still important for the timeline as a whole. The worth of a soul is great in the eyes of the Lord.

#4: Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child: I'm not more important than the Lord. He has a timeline regardless of my wants. I wanted to be married right out of high school, but if I'd just jumped in with the first guy, I'd never have met my husband… I'd never have been the pivotal point in his life to get out of his drowning situation. Sure it's been hard for us, but he and I contemplate where he'd be without me… and neither one of us imagines anything better than where he was. 

I think I'm going to stop off here… there's still several sections, but this is getting long! :) I'll write more later. This has been quite eye-opening!

B