I am a religious person. Not so into it that it's my way or the highway, but enough that I believe in Christianity and the principals around it. I'm just hoping to give you a glimpse of me and how I grew up; my origins, so to speak.
I was born and raised in Idaho. I'm about to turn 35 (12 more days). I'm married (almost 3 years). I'm overweight. I have two sisters (I'm the middle one). My parents are a year away from their 40th anniversary. I guess you could say, I have it all. So how did this happen? Rather than starting from now and going back, I'll take you to the beginning of my journey and walk you through my path... the one that took me through my past and everything else.
My whole life I've been overweight. My whole life I've had a HORRIBLE time trying to get it off. About a year ago, I'd basically settled into the idea that perhaps I had an "event" when I was a child that triggered my weight gain. This idea was introduced to me by way of a friend whose daughter had an "event" and has triggered a weight gain in her.
I started praying, pleading, begging shamelessly, asking the Lord to open my mind and help me find my problem. Meeting after meeting I begging for this enlightenment, to no avail. After making a few connections on my own (I'm sure by way of a Higher Power), I decided, I'm ready to talk to someone about this. At the time my husband and I were going through some couple therapy to help us with our communications. We'd come from such different backgrounds, we REALLY needed it.
So I asked this councilor if I could come see him by myself. The session went well, I thought. I voiced my concerns efficiently... but his answers missed the mark. I told him that I mentally cling to my weight as a buffer from people. If they hate me, it's my fat, not me. Various things along those lines. He asked me to make a list of things I like about myself. Just three things. I didn't sleep for a week. I was anxious, nervous, couldn't concentrate... it wasn't until I decided to not do it, that things finally settled down. Then I decided maybe his style wasn't meeting with what I needed.
I went to Facebook. I have several friends within the Therapy community and I asked them to recommend someone that shared my religious beliefs, would be a good fit personality wise, and could deal with my various issues. Namely, childhood issues, anxiety, and perhaps some emotional abuse. See, I had Googled all my various "symptoms" and found emotional abuse and it fit me to a T. When I had found that, I went through a period of, "Me?? No... I mean, look at my life! No..." which changed to, "Well, maybe... there was this and that..." which evolved to, "I think I was... ". This sucked because I love my parents so much and I didn't want to think that they could have "abused" me. It was hard to process.
One of my friends answered my Facebook plea and put me in contact with the most amazing councilor I have ever had the pleasure to talk with. For the sake of this blog, I'll call her Nancy. Once we got the preliminary stuff out of the way, we delved into my childhood. This was the weirdest experience ever mostly because the things I said was all stuff I'd talked over with my mom. The line that came out of my mouth that just instantly brought me to tears was, "No one ever stood up for me. I don't matter to anyone, not even myself."
Based off this, she had me do the most painful homework ever. For one, I had to write a letter to myself; past, present, and future. For the life of me, I couldn't refer to myself. When reading the letter, it read like I was writing it to a really close friend... not to myself. I had to go through and read it out loud, changing the wording so that I was reading it to myself from myself. I could scarcely get through one sentence without breaking down.
The sessions mostly went like this for a month or two; November to January. Then, in February, we had THE session. When I got there, Nancy told me she's been thinking about me and my problems. She said, "I think you may have some co-dependency issues." I'd never heard of such a thing! So I said, "What is that?" She handed me a list of "symptoms." Just glancing down the page, I already saw there were SEVERAL things that described me to a T. After the session, (me being the people-pleasing over-achiever that I am) Googled and read, and read and Googled. This is what I found. http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm
There was so much to this list, I could scarcely comprehend it! I had to print it out... and highlight the ones I had. Upon my research, I'd discovered there are essentially two types of co-dependents. The Giver and the Taker. I'm a Giver. My dad is the Taker. With a little mixed in from my mom and my two sisters. To my surprise, co-dependency is usually associated with some sort of addiction. And co-dependents are generally attracted to the opposite of their co-dependency. As a result, I've had several boyfriends that were addicts; alcohol, drugs, pills... whatever.
Nancy thought, in her wisdom, that I may benefit from attending an Al-Anon group. It is my sessions from these meetings and various other thoughts that I hope to post here and reflect on.
I am sure I've left much out of my story above, but it's a start; and it gives the basics. I hope I'm able to reach people that maybe have this same problem. To teach them the first thing I learned in my first Al-Anon meeting. I am not alone in the way I feel. YOU are not alone in the way you feel. Others out there struggle with my same issues, with your issues. The love I felt just walking into that room... it's amazing. To feel loved for me and to feel understood with no questions asked. I love it.
B
