Daddy Issues

My dad sent me a text on the 31st of May and asked if I wanted to get a pedicure. After the fiasco of last time, I was really surprised to hear from him. Thinking he wanted to spend time with me, I said, "Yes!" He wrote back later and told me the appointment was at 3:00 at a local salon. Tuesday the 3rd of June, I went to lunch with my mom and I thanked her for telling my dad to invite me to get a pedicure. She denied anything to do with it and then said, "He asked me if I wanted to go with him, Kim (a girl he works with), and you." Then she said, "He does so much with Kim, I think he wishes SHE was one of his daughters."

Ouch. But I was determined to not let that bother me. It was an innocent enough comment. Friday the 6th I reminded Jon I was going and he asked if he could come. He actually had the day off. So I called the salon and added one more to our appointment. Then I texted my dad and told him I'd added Jon. He said okay. Saturday came and we went over to my parents to go to the salon with them. We got there, there were six chairs, one not working (right in the middle). So here's how we sat: Kim, my dad, my mom, empty chair, Jon, and me. Dad introduced her as his adopted daughter, then introduced mom, Jon, then me.

In my head I know that none of that really matters and there was nothing else going on in my dad's head; but in my heart, I'm crushed. Why can't my dad like me? Why can't he want to spend time with me? But at the same time, screw him. I don't want to be around people that don't want me. I don't want to have to force someone to pay attention to me. So whatever.

I just noticed, the end of the previous paragraph? That's me trying to do my numb thing. I want to just pretend I don't have a dad and move on. But I can't do that, I need to not do that. I need to deal with my feelings. I've tried though. I did everything I possibly could when I was a kid (even now) to try and get my father's approval. I put off things I wanted to do in order to do the things he was doing. Because of that, I can build you almost anything out of wood, I can do most all basic maintenance on my car (by myself), I can install carpet, I know how to build a fence and mix my own cement, I have muscles where I don't want them because I worked out with him, I know how to shoot a gun and I have pretty darn good aim, I can chop wood, start a camp fire with steel wool, and burp, fart, and be crude with the best of them. I wasn't a girl. I was a boy, trying to get my dad to like me. But no matter what I did, nothing. No approval, no attention, no love, no affection, nothing.

My poor mom. She had to compensate for my dad. She was an emotional single parent. But my sisters were crazy teens and consumed my mom's every moment. So not only did I try super hard with my dad, but because of my sisters, my mom didn't have time for me. So I had two present/absent (to me) parents. Add to that everyone hating on my weight, I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not worth anything to anyone unless I'm skinny, but then I'm afraid that if I get skinny, I still won't be worth anything, so what's the point of all the work? I'm pretty healthy, all things considered… why work hard for all of that when the only thing people will notice after I've dropped it all that I dropped it all. They still won't love me, they still won't care about me, and all I've done is brought attention to myself and fake people pretending to love me.

I wish I could work hard, lose the weight, and still have people ignore me. Maybe that's why I'm holding onto it… I don't want the attention. I don't want it pointed out that me, personally, is only worth love, attention, and mattering if I'm skinny. Because then it's not ME that matters, it's my body that matters. It's not ME they love, it's my body they love. It's not ME they want to talk to, it's my body that gets the attention. Maybe that's why I like being fat; I'm invisible. Not memorable. It keeps proving to myself that I don't matter. Even if I was skinny, I still wouldn't matter. I'd just be in a prettier package.

B