Yup, Worthless.

I'm going to try out the blog poster in Word… see how I like it. So far, so good! Nothing really to post about today. Sorry I missed yesterday, I just wasn't feeling up to it. I ended up having a lunch meeting, so I was unable to attend Al-Anon. I hope to be there next week though. I'm actually feeling pretty insignificant this week and it's making things tough. I actually thought about not writing in here again because I figured no one cared any way… but I need to remember this is for me. I'm trying to help me.

Today's topics are:

Try to help other people live their lives instead.

To me, this ties back to the "giving unwanted advice" thing. I know I only try to fix things the way I try to is because my dad wanted things fixed. I remember making phone calls for him, taking notes for him… wow, I think I was his secretary! I used to lift weights with him, not because I wanted to lift weights, but because it was a way to spend time with him.

Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.

It's cause it makes me feel important. Needed. Growing up, I was daddy's helper. Guess why. I learned great things that my sisters have no clue about it, but it didn't give me a long lasting impression of what I needed. I can basically do any kind of maintenance on a car, I know how to build things, put in a new toilet, replace a water heater, maintain a yard… I'm a pretty good handy-man. But now, when I need my dad's help, he won't come help me. I never realized it before, but I prided myself in knowing what tool he'd need, how he needed me to move something so he could nail it, or anything else like that. I got to the point that I could anticipate what he'd need and I'd do it before he asked.

I don't even know why I cared. I can scarcely stand to be around him anymore. Guess my spell of being good enough for my dad has finally been broken and I'm realizing I'll never be good enough for anyone and that I need to be okay with that. I think I am, mostly. Some days though, it's hard.

Get strong feelings of low self-worth ---embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems.

Yes, I do this too; but only because it's usually a failure or a problem I've lived through and my feelings of empathy cause me to identify with them.

Guess this is it today. Not very chatty, am I? Sorry for the lack of pictures, but I'm not just feeling it today.

B