Trust?

I've discovered through the years that when I am in a relationship where I feel secure and loved, my weight seems to just melt right off me. Whether it was a local relationship or a long distance one. I've always known something was wrong with Jon and I because I've never lost with him. I seem to gain and if I try hard, then I manage to drop a bit, but I inevitably gain it back. I've never gone above the weight I was when I met him, but I've never been more than 20 pounds lower.

One thing I have a hard time with Jon is trusting him. I started looking into it a little bit last week and came to find that my husband lacks integrity. He'd rather hide things from me and lie to me than take the risk of disappointing me. I've pointed out to him time and time again that if he lies to me, then I'm mad that he lied AND I'm disappointed about what he lied about to keep me from being disappointed!

For instance, we're broke. When we can afford it, we have a $20 weekly allowance, but when we can't (which we usually can't), we just don't do anything. For some reason, even though he knows we couldn't afford for either one of us to get our weekly $20, he thinks it's okay to go spend $13 over two days because he "forgot his lunch at home." Rather than calling me and saying, "Babe, I forgot my lunch, can I buy something?" He'd rather just get what he wants, hide that he did it, and hope that I don't check the bank account to see it cleared or pending. While I was gone camping, he spent $130 on himself. I was only gone THREE DAYS! I get so frustrated with this and I don't know what to do. By him not talking to me about it, shows me he has no respect for me or for our budget. He must not trust me either otherwise he'd be honest with me. I've done everything from taking away the card to giving him free-reign and nothing has worked.

All I want is a marriage where I feel loved, honored, respected, and secure. I rarely feel those things and never more than one at a time. It's been so long since he's given me butterflies in my stomach that I don't even remember if he ever did. Whenever I bring this up to him he just says that he's been trying. The thing is, what he's tried hasn't been enough and there's been no consistency. Sometimes I find myself longing for the first months of my relationship with my alcoholic ex. He may have been a jerk in the end and we may not have parted as friends, but he sure knew how to make me feel good about myself, him, and us.

We've still only been intimate 2 ½ times this year… the last was in May. I know he's learning stuff and I know I need to be patient and let him have time, but how much time? And how much personal sacrifice before it's all just gone and we're just two friends living together? I love him, I 100% love him, but I think it's the same way I love my cousin's. He's fun to hang out with and talk to, but that's all we do and there's nothing more to it. I don't really like kissing him anymore either. I'm scared about our future. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for something to give so we can get out of this spiral, but I feel like we're sinking and there's been no life-line tossed in after us.

I just need to be patient. Heavenly Father has a timeline for His will and I need to just sit down and buckle myself in for the ride. I listened to Heavenly Father when I married Jon, so He must have some sort of plan for us. I need to just be patient… be patient and listen for the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.

B