Boundaries

At Tuesday's meeting, the discussion mostly revolved around boundaries and how to get people to stick to them. Also, how hard it is to enforce them when broken. I didn't realize it at the time, but this had really gotten me thinking. Tuesday I took the day off because my husband had a wisdom tooth removed. I stayed home with him and took care of him. Wednesday, I returned to work, thinking he would too, but he decided he hurt too much and that he was going to take another day. Thursday he works 2-8. I came home at 5 to find him sitting on the couch. I asked him if he'd gone to work and he said he tried going in at 1:00, but ended up leaving at 4:00. He was in his jeans, I was kind of suspect, but decided to let it go.

I went into the bedroom to change. We have a long hallway of closet in the master bedroom. There are two half doors and one set of full doors, so three openings. One half door is Jon's, the other is mine. My half door was open. About a month ago, Jon asked me to hide his video games from him so he'd have that time to study instead of goofing off. When I spotted the door, I went back out to the living room and said, "Two things: one, why is my closet door open?" He said, "Uhhh.." I said, "You tried to find your video games, didn't you?" He said yes. I said, "Two, you didn't really go into work, did you?" He said no.

I took a moment to breathe, then I shared with him what my group had talked about on Tuesday. I told him I was sick of his lies and that I'm putting up a clear and unnegotiable boundary. I told him that if he told me a lie, starting after this conversation, he was going to be spending the night not in our bed. I didn't care if it was on the couch, the spare bed in the 2nd bedroom, or on the floor. It just wasn't going to be with me. Then, I said, if he chose to lie to me again and again and again, each night would be spent not with me. After five consecutive nights not spent with me, if he lied the 6th day, he was going to spend a night outside of our home. I didn't care where, friends, family, whatever. Then I told him that if he lied to me the 7th day, we would discuss the parameters of a trial separation.

I made sure he understood what I meant, I made sure he understood I meant business, and THEN I told him that because of his lying, I don't feel like he respects me, I don't trust him, and it's putting a big strain on our marriage. I told him that I didn't deserve to be lied to. And I asked him why, after a couple years of being married, he suddenly decided he couldn't tell me the truth any more. He didn't really have an answer. I think he finally understood how much I despise his lies and that I will not put up with them in our home.

I hate having to put this boundary up. I shouldn't have to demand my spouse be honest with me. Anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I keep praying for him and I keep doing things I think will help him, but then he doesn't seem to make any progress. He's probably progressing, I just don't see it because I'm too close to it. I don't know. I do know that I'm in a different place than him and I'm getting tired of holding my hand out behind me to help him up only to have him pull too hard on it. Do I let go? Or do I clench harder and hope he doesn't get ripped from my grasp?

B