Singing the Blues

Once again, I have an issue from over the weekend. And once again I'll write/vent about it here. And I'm sure, once again, I'll listen to more sermons online and come up with some awesome lesson I needed to learn. Can't we just skip over everything and get to the lesson? I know we can't, but it would sure be nice. Sometimes I wish I could be done learning things, but then I realize I never will be done. And so, onto the next solution!

My dad had knee surgery last week. He came home from the hospital Friday. I took some time off Friday afternoon to help my mom get him settled. When Jon went to work Saturday, I went back over to play games with him and entertain him somewhat. On Sunday Jon and I went over after church so my mom could go to church. We brought some leftover pot roast with us and we ended up making a yummy stew for dinner and just hung out all day with my folks.

Jon wasn't feeling very well and asked me to drive. Well, all the fun has passed now and we're ready to head home. We get in the car and start driving. Earlier that day I'd changed from mp3's over to the radio because I like to listen to a local station that plays church songs. When we got into the car to head home, the station had switched over to its regular programming, which, at night, just happens to be love songs. So we're driving home and enjoying some Genesis, Journey, and when we're about two blocks from home, Celine Dion's song, "My Heart Will Go On," came on. I LOVE that song! I turned it up and was just belting it out, I was so happy! When we got closer to home I begged Jon to let me drive around a little more until the song was over, because I really wanted to sing it all out. He relented and said yes. HOORAY!!!

I bypassed our street and headed back up the road, singing my little heart out. I glanced over at Jon and he has this horrible sour puss look on his face. I said something like, "Thanks for letting me do this! I know you're not a huge fan of this song." And I kept singing. As I headed back home again, the song wound its way down. During a music only part, I glanced at Jon again to just share the joy of the moment. If it was possible, I think his sour look was even more sour. It just killed my spirit. I sort of mumbled out the last few sentences of the song, then turned the radio down and headed home in relative silence.

Then the fight came. Why did I turn down the music? He hates that song. He wasn't making a sour face. He didn't rain all over my parade. I'm the one starting the fight and yelling at him.

Sure, whatever. We got home, I went to change. When I came out, he said he was sorry. Not the kind of sorry where he means it, but the kind of sorry where he just doesn't want me to be mad at him anymore. I told him it was fine (again!) and told him to just forget about it. He left to go play his video game and I sat on the couch watching TV and wanting to be anywhere but at home with him.

When I went in to go to bed, he apologized again. I asked him if he even understood why it had upset me and he explained it… so I guess he did understand. It still felt not real though. I told him all was forgiven and turned on Candy Crush Saga on my phone. After a minute I said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes. I said, "Why do you start a fight when you know you did the thing that upset me, you knew you were doing it, and you didn't stop and then you take it out on me?" He said he didn't understand the question. So I said, "When I asked if I could sing the song, why did you agree if you knew you hated it, if you knew you'd sit there and be grumpy instead of sharing in my happiness, when you knew you'd just use it to start a fight about something else?"

Do you know what he said? He said, "I wasn't being grumpy." Oh, okay. My mistake. If someone I love is singing a song I can't stand, but they're so into it and they're loving it, I smile at them and sort of dance around, maybe even belting out some of the words, if I know them. But not Jon. He couldn't even let me have 3 minutes and 46 seconds of happiness and joy.

I don't know what he's really irritated about that made him start that fight, but it really worries and scares me that he couldn't put aside his feelings for 5 minutes to let me feel some joy and to perhaps share in that joy with me. It was so great at first, but now I wish that song hadn't come on the radio.

Don't despair. As I said earlier, I'm sure I'll get the answer in a few days. I can't wait for these lessons to be done with.

B