Deep Breath!

As you know, I've been working the steps of my new program. Which, by the way, is MUCH easier than trying to do the steps in Al-Anon. This program is more structured and made more sense to me. Al-Anon was really confusing and I don't think I'd be much farther than I was if I hadn't had this program to show me how to make it work for me! Lol But I digress.

Tuesday we talked about the restitution step. I hadn't thought I was there yet, but by the way it spoke to me, I think I am. During the meeting, one of the gals shared that she had a hard time with this step because she felt she had been more harmed than harmful. I identified with that. Through the course of her recovery, she realized that if there are feelings of resentment, there was harm. Which instantly brought me to thoughts of my uncle and his long ago declaration of my size. And just like that, I had my answer on how to approach him and put this behind me.

Here's my game plan:

1. Sit down with him and explain that I'm in this program. I need to explain that I'm on the restitution step and that I owe him an apology.
2. Explain the situation as I remember it.
3. Explain to him that I let the experience build a wall between us and as a result, I'd had my guard up around him for 25ish years.
4. Tell him I'm sorry for letting it build to that and that I hope he can forgive me for holding it against him all these years.I called my mom and asked if she'd go with me. Not because I'm scared of my uncle or whatever, but because I'd appreciate a loving hand. I know Jon would go with me, but I'm afraid he'd try to protect me too much and I won't be able to get what I need to move on. She said she would be happy to come.

I'm nervous, but not because of this. I'm nervous because once I talk with my uncle, I think the only unrest I'll really have left is my dad. Which means I'll have to start praying about him and figuring out how to lay all my issues to rest and to move on. I have the feeling it'll end up being a lot like the way I'm going to be addressing the issue with my uncle. We'll see though. At the idea of talking to my uncle, I have this feeling of freedom. Like I'm finally out from under that judgment of me. I still feel a little tied down, but I think that's because I haven't actually talked to him though. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be done!

B