Fault Finding

Here’s an experience from last night.  First though, I need to mention that recently my dad has decided he really likes pedicures, toenail painting and everything.  Now, my parents are out of town visiting their warm weather other home.  I have family that lives in this other town and my dad went with my cousin for his very first pedicure.  That’s great, I’m glad he went. :)  So the next time he went, he went with my mom, also makes sense.  The third time he went was because my cousin was coming to visit.  He invited her to go.  I happened to overhear and basically invited myself along.  The fourth time he went was again with my mom.  The fifth time was just this last weekend, with my mom, in their warm weather town.

Sorry for the long back story, just wanted to explain all of that.  So last night, I’m looking at my toes and thinking, “Man, I need another pedicure.”  Usually when I do things with my dad, he pays… and I’m broke.  So I’m thinking, I’ll ask dad if he wants to go with me, then maybe he’ll pay!

I texted him this message: “Do you have any interest in a pedicure sometime in the near-ish future?”  Oh, I should mention that I didn’t know about his fifth pedicure at this time.

He wrote back and said, “We had one when we got here.  Sorry.”

That was it.  So I wrote back and said, “K.”  Then I sat there thinking, “I didn’t mention any particular day, not even a particular month or time!”  As I mentioned the other day, I have a specific spiral that I get to ride when I’m feeling this feeling.  First, when he answered like that, I get this ache in my heart… it’s like a sinking/breaking type feeling.  Then I get to thinking about what his answer means.  It’s obvious to me that he doesn’t want to do this particular activity with me…. Or any other activity.  I suppose I should stop expecting anything and just hope that he wants to take me to lunch every 6 months or so to see how I’m doing.

Later, I asked my husband what he would have answered.  I didn’t tell him I’d texted my dad.  He said, “I’d tell you that I’d had one last week, but if you wanted to wait a week or so, I’d be happy to go.”  So why can’t my dad do that?  I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings.  I feel like I’ve done something wrong and he doesn’t want to spend time with me.  I feel worthless and unloved.  All because of a pedicure question gone wrong.

This next list section comes to us under the topic of: Low Self-worth

Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.

I think repressed is an awesome way to describe my family.  We weren’t allowed to feel and when we did, we were (for lack of a better word) punished for feeling.  I think my parents were overly strict when it came to religion and it made my sisters and I rebel against it.  I’m not such a rebel, because I have to be able to keep everyone happy, but neither of my sisters practice our faith.  I’ve finally found a way of practicing that is true to myself.  I actually quite enjoy church now. :)

We’ve all ended up with skewed views of what shows love during sex.  Because I’m not sure of my audience, I’ll just say that my older sister and I lean more toward the kinky side.  My younger sister is a lesbian and married to a woman.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, if she’s happy, she’s happy.  And I love my sister-in-law.  I just don’t believe in the same choices she made as right for myself.

Both my sisters have scars from trying to kill themselves.  I actually have quite a bit of resentment toward them for that and other things because then everyone ignored me.  My older sister experimented with drugs and alcohol.  I did a little with alcohol, but I stopped by the time I was 21. Lol  I’m not 100% sure of what my younger sister did.  I was in my partying phase while she was finishing high school, then right after graduation she moved out of the country to be with her now spouse.

Everyone walks on egg shells around everyone else, but me and my mom.  They’ll all yell at my mom and I, blame us for any and everything, and push us out.  I feel bad for my mom, but as for me?  Whatever.  I’m done with it.

Blame themselves for everything.

My first therapist really helped me with this one and I am MUCH better now, but I still do it.  I used to blame myself if it snowed in June.  I had a flight delayed once and I told myself if was because I’d done something bad.  Ridiculous, right?  But I still did it… and do it.  My first therapist though, said some magic words.  He said, “Did you ever think that maybe it isn’t your fault?”

Whoa.  I mean, whoa!  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  Never, ever, in a million years, did it occur to me that things weren’t my fault.  Everything was always my fault.  If I’m asleep and my sister and her friend are awake and talking too loudly, I got woken up and yelled at.  If it snowed in June and ruined plans, I was yelled at.  If a cloud passed over the sun, it was my fault.  To think these things weren’t my fault… whoa.

Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.

This one may not even need an explanation!  Lol  I 100% do this.  I play Candy Crush.  I mean, really, who doesn’t? :)  When I’m playing and can’t pass a simple level, this is what I say to myself, “If you were a better person you’d be able to pass this level.  You’re just too stupid.”  Like that has anything to do with a game.

Then there’s my mantra, “Ugly, fat, stupid, and worthless.”

Then of course, if Jon doesn’t want me, it’s cause of the mantra items.  If I don’t have a friend to go to lunch with, it’s because of those things.  I hide behind those words like they’re a shield protecting me from being hurt.  Because what if… what if I was pretty, skinny, smart, and worth something and people still treated me the way they do.  Then what?  Does that mean that it’s not those things that they hate?  Does that mean that they actually hate me?  For a perfectionist people pleaser… that does not bode well.  This, my friends, is why I believe I have the weight problems I have.  Because as long as I’m fat, it’s the fat’s fault; not mine.  They’re rude to me because I’m fat, they don’t want to be with me because I’m fat, they don’t want to come to my birthday party or enjoy a pedicure with me because I’m fat.  If I wasn’t fat… then it would be me, my fault.  Guess this applies to the prior topic too.

Now, onto my Al-Anon meeting! :)

Topic discussed:  Keep Coming Back and Learn to Experience Love in Adverse Situations

From the Hope for Today book (page 104), “If I look for fear, I’ll find fear.  If I look for love, I’ll find love.  Which will I choose to look for today?”

Thoughts I wrote down:

Share in others’ strength.

Learn to keep your mouth shut when it won’t be productive.

Just being here is like a treatment.

Stop looking for validation and affirmation from others.  I should be looking to me and my higher power.

If you “own” something, you have to fix it.  Stop “owning” stuff and you’ll have less to fix!

I thing that was mentioned that caused me pause; I am condescending?  I’ve been contemplating this since the guy in group said it.  And I think I am.  I don’t think it’s intentional and I don’t realize I’m doing it… I guess it’s like the unwanted advice thing.  But I think I look down on Jon.  Because he doesn’t like to have a clean house.  He doesn’t like to pick up after himself… all those silly things, I think I actually put myself above him in that regard and I shouldn’t.  I need to reinforce him, not knock him down.

Someday I’ll be perfect.  Until then, I’ll be me.

B