Responsibility

I’m back!  Sorry for the hiatus!  I was sick… I had a lovely combo of Strep and Mono!  Yay!  So my friend and I are going to start up with Al-Anon again tomorrow.  I’m so excited!  You’ll get updates from that again.  I also thought I would take time to visit all of the things on that list I provided in my first or second post.  The one about co-dependent traits.  I guess I should say I won’t visit ALL the things on the list, just the ones that pertain to me.  I’m going to try and keep them to one item per day, but if I only have short thoughts about it, I may do two or more.

The first one I’m going to do is:

Codependents may think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

Here’s the thing this immediately brings to mind.  When it comes to other people and their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, and so on; I feel guilty when someone else acts someway that I was taught not to do.  I feel so guilty and embarrassed for them!  And then I feel ashamed that I feel that way for them.  I think I feel ashamed because I know I have no responsibility for others.  The only one I can control is me… but I feel like I should have warned them that whatever they said or did wasn’t appropriate.  The thing is though, I only do this around my father!  Because I was conditioned that I’m the one that keeps daddy happy.  I’m the one that is responsible for his happiness.  And if something someone says is awkward or inappropriate to be said around my father, I get SO embarrassed!

I do pretty good not saying anything to whomever the “offender” was… but I still feel that crap.  I’m so into my role of keeping my dad happy and to keep him from getting angry that I judge how others are according to how he thinks they should be.

This brings to mind another thought… I am horrified at the idea of confronting my dad.  When my mom suggests bringing something up to him, I basically get a full on sobbing panic attack.  I think it’s cause of the stuff above.  I can’t do anything that would bring my dad unhappiness.  I’d rather starve than ask him for help with food.  Because that means admitting I’m not good enough… again… or still.

I wish I knew how to stop doing it.  It’s so annoying to constantly have those emotions flit through my mind.  How do I stop caring so deeply about my dad’s happiness?  I mean, I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to be his happy police anymore.  I’m ready to retire.

B