Lonely

I’m having a pretty bad day.  Probably because I didn’t have a very awesome weekend.  I’ve mentioned before that my husband is co-dependent as well… he likes to control everything to do with our love life, but he doesn’t see it as control.  He just won’t do anything.  It’s pretty safe to say we’re in a sexless marriage.

The thing is, that since he doesn’t ever want it, he’s constantly rejecting me without conscious knowledge that he is.  Which makes me feel like I don’t matter and that I’m not important… which makes me feel down… which I turn into anxiety because, yet again, I’m not good enough… which turns into me doing those bodily behavior things… it also makes me give up in regards to me and him.  Because, if he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me.

I can hear it now, you’re saying, “But Becki!  Just because of that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want anything from you!”  Well, you’d be wrong.  Let me describe a little bit of my weekend.  Friday I had the day off because I had a dentist appointment.  Jon spent the whole time I was gone playing video games.  He didn’t do a single other thing.  I got home and we watched a movie together, which was nice.  Then we went to lunch together, which was also nice.  Here’s the thing though.  Thursday night our dogs had broken his phone, so he had nothing else to do but pay attention to me.

Saturday morning, UPS comes and brings his new phone.  The next 4 hours are spent staring at his phone.  Granted he was getting things re-downloaded and re-setup, but I don’t think he looked away for more than 15 minutes.  That 15 minutes was when we went to lunch.  He had it down long enough to eat, then I spent the rest of the time staring at the back of his phone.  He vacuums his food down, I eat more slowly.  It takes me about twice the time that it takes him, if not longer.  Anyway, we got home after running our errands (he had me drive so he could keep looking at his phone), we watched a couple movies he gave me for my birthday.  My birthday isn’t until Saturday, but he couldn’t hardly stand to wait he wanted to watch the movies so badly.  So the whole time we’re watching the movies he gave me, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO WATCH THEM, he was staring at his phone.  When we were done, we went to bed.  The next morning he said he hadn’t slept well, so he’d stayed up and played on his phone.  All through church he played on his phone, he took a nap when we got home, and after he woke up, he played more on his phone.

 

I hate his phone.

We met playing video games online.  He lived in Maryland and I lived here.  In 2010 he moved here to be with me.  Since that moment… he’s been different.  He used to call me all the time, text me, email me, whatever he needed to do to be in touch with me.  I’ve been at work 3 hours now and he’s not even said good morning to me yet.  I’ve told him all of this, but he doesn’t care.  I ask him to put his phone down.  It goes down for 2 seconds, then it’s back up again.  I just feel really lonely, really ugly, and really unimportant.  I don’t know what else to do.

B