Birthdays and Mattering

My birthday was Saturday.  I have this once a month meal planned with my female cousins that live in this area still.  I wasn’t going to do it until the 18^th or 19^th.  On the 4^th I was talking to one of my cousins and she really wanted to get together on my birthday.  She even convinced me we should invite husbands, children, and parents.  So I put it all together on Facebook, sent out the “event invite”, and waited for event acceptance.  Everyone answered they were coming.  I was so excited, it was going to be so much fun!

Saturday morning came, my husband kept the dogs at bay so I could sleep in.  He took me to breakfast, we went and ran some errands (he even let me browse in the beauty supply shop!), we went home and watched a couple movies, and then we left for the dinner.  While we were watching the 1^st movie, my one cousins wife (the one who convinced me to create the event) texted me and told me that my cousin wasn’t feeling well, so he wouldn’t be coming.  I was sad, but okay.  Then she said that he had a college buddy show up and that he wanted her to stay home too.  THEN she said that my aunt and uncle weren’t coming either because apparently they celebrated Easter yesterday because of work schedules and what not and my aunt and uncle couldn’t come because they were preparing for their party the next day.

Well, with my cousin and his family, and my aunt and uncle not coming, that means that my cousins two sisters and their families wouldn’t be coming either.  It’s how they roll.  So right there, 11 out of my 21 people weren’t coming.

Okay, stuff happens.  So I’m sad, but determined to make the best out of my birthday.  So Jon and I get ready and head over to the restaurant we’re meeting everyone else at.  My parents are there, yay!  My mom brought me some balloons and some cute pin wheels.  We snag a table and wait for my other family to arrive.  Twenty minutes in my dad says he doesn’t want to wait much longer cause he’s hungry.  So we decide to go ahead and order and they could do so when they got there.  An hour later, we were done eating and they still hadn’t shown.  So 4 out of 21 showed up… my parents and my husband.

So, as you can probably guess, I didn’t feel very loved, very important, or very special.  And now, two days later, my devil is telling me that I don’t matter and that none of them ever liked me, let alone loved me enough to even come… half the people didn’t even let me know they weren’t coming!  I’m also doing this whole… “embrace not mattering so it doesn’t hurt so bad” thing.

Months ago, my therapist shared Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with me.  Here’s the info on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

I’m going to copy and paste a section for you too.  Basically, for me, I have the Physiological at about 90%, Safety at about 10%, and none of the rest.  Here’s the section:

Hierarchy

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid with the largest, most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top.^[1][9] While the pyramid has become the de facto way to represent the hierarchy, Maslow himself never used a pyramid to describe these levels in any of his writings on the subject.
The most fundamental and basic four layers of the pyramid contain what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "d-needs": esteem, friendship and love, security, and physical needs. If these "deficiency needs" are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow's theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Maslow also coined the term Metamotivation to describe the motivation of people who go beyond the scope of the basic needs and strive for constant betterment.^[10]
The human mind and brain are complex and have parallel processes running at the same time, thus many different motivations from various levels of Maslow's hierarchy can occur at the same time. Maslow spoke clearly about these levels and their satisfaction in terms such as "relative," "general," and "primarily." Instead of stating that the individual focuses on a certain need at any given time, Maslow stated that a certain need "dominates" the human organism.^[11] Thus Maslow acknowledged the likelihood that the different levels of motivation could occur at any time in the human mind, but he focused on identifying the basic types of motivation and the order in which they should be met.

Physiological needs

Physiological needs are the physical requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met, the human body cannot function properly and will ultimately fail. Physiological needs are thought to be the most important; they should be met first.
Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct.^[2]

Safety needs

With their physical needs relatively satisfied, the individual's safety needs take precedence and dominate behavior. In the absence of physical safety – due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, etc. – people may (re-)experience post-traumatic stress disorder or transgenerational trauma. In the absence of economic safety – due to economic crisis and lack of work opportunities – these safety needs manifest themselves in ways such as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, reasonable disability accommodations, etc. This level is more likely to be found in children because they generally have a greater need to feel safe.
Safety and Security needs include:

• Personal security
• Financial security
• Health and well-being
• Safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts

Love and belonging

After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. This need is especially strong in childhood and can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies within this level of Maslow's hierarchy – due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism, etc. – can impact the individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general, such as:

• Friendship
• Intimacy
• Family

According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless if these groups are large or small. For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, and gangs. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others.^[2] Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.

Esteem

All humans have a need to feel respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. Esteem presents the typical human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition. These activities give the person a sense of contribution or value. Low self-esteem or an inferiority complex may result from imbalances during this level in the hierarchy. People with low self-esteem often need respect from others; they may feel the need to seek fame or glory. However, fame or glory will not help the person to build their self-esteem until they accept who they are internally. Psychological imbalances such as depression can hinder the person from obtaining a higher level of self-esteem or self-respect.
Most people have a need for stable self-respect and self-esteem. Maslow noted two versions of esteem needs: a "lower" version and a "higher" version. The "lower" version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may include a need for status, recognition, fame, prestige, and attention. The "higher" version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. For example, the person may have a need for strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, and freedom. This "higher" version takes precedence over the "lower" version because it relies on an inner competence established through experience. Deprivation of these needs may lead to an inferiority complex, weakness, and helplessness.
Maslow states that while he originally thought the needs of humans had strict guidelines, the "hierarchies are interrelated rather than sharply separated".^[5] This means that esteem and the subsequent levels are not strictly separated; instead, the levels are closely related.

Self-actualization

Main article: Self-actualization

"What a man can be, he must be."^[12] This quotation forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need refers to what a person's full potential is and the realization of that potential. Maslow describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be.^[13] Individuals may perceive or focus on this need very specifically. For example, one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent. In another, the desire may be expressed athletically. For others, it may be expressed in paintings, pictures, or inventions.^[14] As previously mentioned, Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them.

My goal is to someday have at least 50% in all categories… but I don’t know how to do it without others helping me… and if I don’t matter, I have no hope of ever being whole.

B