Perfectionism February 26, 2014
Practice makes Progress
Today we discussed perfectionism
and what it means to us. For my part, I
mentioned the following things:
1.
My therapist thought I would benefit from
Al-Anon
2.
My perfectionism struggle is with my dad
a.
Dad always gave me Adam and Eve commandments
3.
Related the story about Bonnie’s funeral and dad
telling me to shut up.
I stopped there, but I’ve been
thinking about it more. I am so afraid
to fail him that I would rather avoid him than 1) fail or 2) stand up to him.
Mom says he’s going to call me
about this loan thing and the only thing I can think about is: “What did I do
to screw up the repayment of the first loan?... what’s he going to find to yell
at me about that I didn’t do right?... Did I forget something we’d agreed upon
and I’ve supposed to have been paying them this whole time??” I’m thinking about it so intensely that I’m
making myself anxious and overwhelmed in anticipation of this call that may
or may not occur between now and when it may or may not happen. Update, I’m going to go see them Friday
evening. He requested a “face-to-face”
visit.
And now that I’ve identified my
source of anxiety, I’m feeling better… actually, my favorite feeling in the
world is the relief I feel when I’ve discovered the source. But this brings other things to mind. Things like:
Will this ever change? Am I forever
going to try and avoid him to stop the anxiety he causes me?? I’ve even thought about calling mom and
telling her to just forget the whole thing, simply because I don’t want to talk
to him to find out how I’ve managed to screw up now.
For me, my perfectionism isn’t
people pleasing. It’s father
pleasing. And as he’s defined it, I’ve
taken on an impossible task. How do I
become okay with failing him?
B
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