I'm not important anyway

I’m so glad it’s Friday!  So I don’t think I have anything to write on in regards to yesterday, so I guess I’ll just jump right into the continuation of my list!

Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

So the example of this I have is when I was dating my husband.  You’d think this story I’m about to tell would have been a HUGE red flag, but it wasn’t.  I just went with it.

I don’t remember exactly what Jon was doing at the time, but I know the result of it was this: I’m a bit of an artist, in that I can do a passable job of various things.  Well, one day I was talking to Jon about something (he was living in Texas at the time, so we were on the phone).  I was just doodling and talking to him – I think it was a flower.  Through the course of the conversation he managed to reject everything I said.  Everything.  So on this doodle, I wrote a message to myself and I actually hung it up on my office wall.  It said, “Don’t forget, it’s NEVER about you.”

Back in 2000-2001 I was dating a guy who was also an alcoholic.  He’s another prime example of the statement above.  If I ever had extra money, he had something new; if he had extra money, he had something new; if we had extra money, he had something new.  I never got anything from that guy.  I remember once I complained about it to him, that I was feeling unappreciated or something along those lines.  Even though we’d been dating a while, he asked me on a proper date, told me to dress up, and that he’d come pick me up at 7:00.  At 8:00 I gave up waiting for him and decided to go find him.  He was an alcoholic, all I had to do was go search the various bars.

Ironically he was at the 1^st bar I checked.  As I walked by his car, I could see he’d bought flowers (that were now wilted from being left in the 90+ degree car) and a card.  I went into the bar and got him and he was so mad.  I remember I loved those flowers, they were the only ones he’d ever given me.  And I think I still have the card.  I don’t remember what happened after that, I’m sure it wasn’t good though.  I was so in love with the idea of a boyfriend that I didn’t stop to think if HE was a good idea.  I was 20ish and he was my first boyfriend ever… no reason, I know, but it was what it was.

Try to please others instead of themselves.

This one we’ve already talked about a bit in my “Perfectionism” post.  But I’m so bad at this, I really am.  I people please so much that I feel guilty if I stand up for myself.  There’s a lady I work with, years ago, as in 10 or 11, I stood up to her for saying I’d had an easy life.  I told her that until she walked a mile in my shoes, she had no grounds of judgment.  Just because my struggles weren’t her struggles didn’t mean they were any less trying.  Every time I see her I want to beg her forgiveness.  Do you think she even still remembers?  No.  But it sometimes keeps me up at night.  I’d love to let that go.

Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

I kind of touched on this yesterday… the whole golden rule thing.  It really does depress me though.  I think this is the reason I eat.  The more I eat the worse I feel, the worse I feel the more I eat… anyway, it makes me feel so anxious.  Like something is wrong with me that no one would want to help me… that I don’t matter for some reason.  I sure hope I can figure this all out soon.  I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds or so in the last 3 weeks.  I’m still under 300 pounds, but… I feel huge.  At my largest I was at 335.  I just wish I could matter.

B