Darn, it's been a while! I told you it may not be very frequent any more. :( So today was a 1st that used to be a common occurrence. I felt like a total and complete moron. Too stupid to even figure out how to breathe. I made a common error on a spreadsheet that ANYONE could make, but I was called out on it by one of the Corporate Officers. Then, of course, my supervisor had to "talk to me" about the error. He didn't really come down on me or anything, but he said, "Haste is Waste." Basically slow down. The thing is, I had the formula in these three cells correct, but I must have fixed a formula in a cell higher up and the table I had formatted did a column auto-fill and overrode my original formula. That would have been fine, but those three cells needed to be different than the rest in that column. And I should have verified my work before sending it on to the Corporate Officer.
THEN, when that had finally gotten fixed and settled down (and I had mostly gotten over my feelings of moronishness), my supervisor came in and told me that one of my office decorations would be considered "clutter" by the CEO and I would need to take it down. So I felt stupid already for the above issue, then I felt even more stupid for not knowing my decoration was clutterish.
Basically, I had a rough day today.
Sunday I went to my first meeting for the Over-eaters anonymous thing. I think it's going to be a while before I see results. It's not going to be as easy as the codependent thing was because I am not ready to tackle this the way I tackled that. I find myself avoiding thinking about my experience that started all of this... and I find myself avoiding any thought about what has gone on and continued to go on that has contributed to my continuing of compulsive eating. I need to go get a physical book to work on, having a downloaded copy is good and all, but I think for this time around, I need something I can touch, hold, and stare at when I am exercising my right of avoidance. :)
Right now I feel like good and evil are battling it out inside of me. I want to fix this, I want to work on it and get rid of my issues, but at the same time, it's easy and comfortable to stay where I'm at and to not exude any effort into overcoming my issues.
One of the ladies on Sunday put it perfectly, I'm so afraid of being rejected that I put on this weight and kept it on, but now, I'm so afraid of being rejected when I'm skinny, that I'm willing to risk keeping on the weight. Right now if I'm rejected it's because I'm fat. But if I'm skinny and rejected... that means it's me that people don't like; not just the way I look.
I hate that I understand that and yet I feel powerless to apply it. This is definitely going to be a long hard journey. At least I've done this; I've admitted out loud, to other people, that I compulsively/emotionally over-eat and I can no longer manage this on my own. My life has become unmanageable in regards to this and I need help.
One step at a time, right? :)
B
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