Resentment

Resentment has been pretty heavy on my mind this last week. The direction my thoughts have been taking it is starting to make me wonder if perhaps resentment is my core issue and not "mattering." Because if you think about it, I resent those I don't matter to. Well, I Google'd the best way to get rid of resentment and I found this thing that lists it out 12-Step style… it's like an expansion of Step 4: Make a fearless and searching inventory of ourselves.

Here is what the website said:

1.Face them
2.Feel them
3.Deal with them
4.Heal from them

Step One- Make a list of all the people you have resentments towards. If you do this honestly, then the list should be pretty long. Include ANYTHING that gives you an automatic negative feeling. You can also include places and institutions (a school you attended, an airport you had a bad experience in) nothing is too trivial or too small.

Step Two- Next to the person's name; write what they did to cause you to resent them. Again, nothing is too small. If you resent your boss, it may be because that person gives you unreasonable deadlines, or could simply be because you don't like their hair. The reason for the resentment doesn't have to "make sense"—it just has to be honest. This is where it will get hard, and you will feel worse than you did before starting. Try to have faith that the end result will be worth it—because it will be!

Step Three- Now you write what part of your life each resentment affects. If you resent an old teacher who made you feel inferior, you might say that it affects your self-esteem or confidence. The point is to become acutely aware of the specific ways that the resentment is impacting your identity, and your ability to feel safe, secure, and loved.

Step Four- Next to the reason, or cause for resentment, you are going to write down your part. This is how YOU have contributed to the problem. Back to our boss example, at this point you've established that you resent your boss, that you resent your boss because of unreasonable deadlines. Your part in this problem could be that you never spoke up and asked for less work.

When I worked on my original step 4, I listed all the "slights against me," but I didn't know what to do with them, so I just left them without the Step 4 process complete while completing all the other ones. Now I have moved my "Resentment" items into a different tab on my spreadsheet (yes, I know I'm dorky for doing this) and I've set it all up according to what the steps above say. The strange thing is this; now I find I don't really want to do it. No, that's not quite it. I want to do it, but I'm scared. And if I'm scared to do this step, that means it's the step that'll finally get me to let go… let go of this weight I've hid myself in for so long. I don't know if that'll really happen or not, but I DO know that when I am finally "healed" that I'll be able to let it go.

The strange part is that I've not been scared or worried about any of the other steps so far, even apologizing to people hasn't really been that bad. I've felt GOOD for doing it. Granted, I haven't done that much that needed corrected. :) I've done everything I can to clear the air with the people I needed to. The hard ones have been the people I don't know how to get ahold of anymore. I ended up just having to write them a letter and free myself of the feelings. There are two people that I would absolutely love to see face to face and apologize to them. I doubt they'd talk to me even if I did know how to find them.

The idea of losing my resentment feels almost like I'm losing me. I haven't really thought of it that way until right this moment, but it makes a lot of sense to me. So, here's what I've decided to do. I am going camping next week (so you may not hear from me). I've uploaded my resentment step to my cloud and have distributed it to my phone and tablet. While camping next week, I am going to go through my whole list of 90ish things and complete the above steps on these items. I am hoping, the week after next, when I return, I'll have used the nature and time alone to come to grips with all my resentment and either have it completed or moving in that direction. I plan on enlisting God's help too… to help me remember any I have left off my list so that when I clear them, I can clear them ALL once and for all.

Now that I've written this, I'm getting a little excited! I hope it goes as well as I'm planning it to go. Wish me luck!

B