Compliments

It’s Thursday!!!  Thursday is my favorite day.  It’s the last day before Friday and the weekend!  I think it has something to do with the fact that I was born on a Thursday, but don’t quote me on that. :)  So my night was pretty uneventful.  Gave myself a pedicure while I watched Grown Ups 2 and when Jon got home, I made us dinner.  We finished the movie and went in to bed.  Ah, the grown up life. :)

Here are today’s list items.  Again, they are under the topic of Low Self-Worth.

Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.

I hate being shushed or told to be quiet.  Even when I’m being quiet or not talking or even if I’m screaming, I HATE it.  I really see red and I try my best to avoid the person that did the shushing.  It doesn’t matter if they’re being mean about it, nice about it, or they just want some quiet.  I get so mad!  I feel like that person is trying to control me and it just pisses me off.  There was this one co-worker that I generally liked.  I mean, I wasn’t best friends with her, but we were friendly.  One day, teasing me, she said, “Becki, have you had caffeine?”  I laughed and said, “Maybe….”  But inside I was SO mad!  That was back in 2007.  I never really liked her after that.  Like I’d say hi to her and be cordial, but I wouldn’t talk to her like I used to.

I have another co-worker that is about 10 years older than me.  She acts like my dad and it really rubs me the wrong way.  “Make sure you ask your supervisor if it’s okay for you to do that.”  “Be sure to go wish so and so a happy birthday.”  “Look at me, I’m the favorite.”  Well, she doesn’t ever say that last one, but I feel it a lot.  I’m 35, I’m fairly polite, and I’ve managed to live this long without being murdered over offending someone.  I’m pretty sure I’m good.  She’s still worried about me though and kind of hovers.

Mostly I like her, but lately, actually since I started therapy and started feeling better about myself, I really don’t like to be around her.  I don’t like to tell her stuff, I don’t like to help her with things, I just am turned off by the idea of friendship with her.

I guess it’s safe to say I fit this. ;)

Reject compliments or praise

I don’t know that I actually reject them, but I do know that I have a hard time accepting them.  If someone likes my shirt, I say, “Thanks, I got it at ____.”  Or other things like that.  I thought I was doing just fine and accepting this stuff, but my therapist pointed out that no one cares where I got the shirt or pants or whatever.  Because of that realization, I have such a hard time now!  I don’t know what to say!  Thanks seems so underwhelming.  Monday a co-worker admired my hair, I started rambling about when I got it done, then thought “shoot!  She doesn’t care!” so I hurried and tried to finish it off with, “I like it too.”  Which makes me sound SO conceded!  I don’t know what to do differently though!

Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)

I get this at work.  If I’m not recognized, I feel like I’m doing a bad job, that I don’t deserve anything, and get myself down.  I also convert this into attention and to me, attention = important.  So if I was important to people and they cared about me, they’d lavish the attention onto me and we’d all be happy.  But that’s not how it works.  I also rarely believe compliments or praise.  Jon has it the hardest, I fear.  He says I’m beautiful and I just… I don’t believe him.

I really do this though, and I wish I didn’t.  I wonder if it’s because my sister’s got praise from my parents and I didn’t?  I was always kind of, over-looked.  My older sister wanted to take ballet, so I took it too.  All our recitals were together.  She learned piano, I wanted to too.  She played 2 years before I got to learn… so she had two years of recitals to herself, then I shared with her.  On and on and on like this until I got to high school.  After that, I resented my parents whenever they showed an interest in what I was doing and I quit it.  I attempted to join the volleyball team, when my mom started buying stuff and encouraging me to do it… I dropped it.  Then the swim team, same result.  Once both my sister’s moved away, it was like my mom wiped her brow, turned to me and said, “NOW I have time for you.”  I told her to screw off.  Things are better now, but I still feel the same way.  They didn’t want to care about me, so now I won’t let them.

B