Character Weaknesses

Hi... sorry.  I promise I've been working the steps though!  I just haven't been doing it on here like I thought I would.  I decided to put all my journaling efforts on here though, so all my old stuff... I'm going to type it in here for you, word for word. :)

So to start off, on December 29th, 2014 I listed out my character weaknesses as they were at that time.  I will comment afterward, maybe, about what is or isn't the same.  Guys, I have come FAR this last year!!  You'll never believe it once we get to it. :)  So, onto my character weaknesses!  I believe this is step 6 and then I've got a bit of some step 4 for you. :)

"Character Weaknesses
Controlling
Fearful
Anxious
Co-Dependent
Gluttony / Greet: Wanting and taking too much at the expense of others.
Gossiping, criticizing, and loose talk
Humility: Feeling better than and worse than others and being self-centered
Envy
Perfectionism: Expecting or demanding too much from myself or others.  Treating things that aren't perfect as not good enough, not recognizing a good try or progress.
Prejudice against skinny people - I think they're judging me
Resentment
Rigid
Self-pitying
Phoniness
Immoral thinking and actions

Fearless Inventory
The first time I had a crush that I envisioned him coming to "save" me white knight style was a guy named Dan.  I remember getting in a fight with my sister and my dad made us box it out.  We had to stand there and hit each other while he watched.  I remember fantasizing about Dan coming, telling my dad where to stick it, and carrying off into the sunset.  I remember I was having a hard time with my friend prior to that thing with Dan.  I remember being so very lonely between 9th and 10th grade.  I longed for death, for anything other than what I had.

The other day I was thinking about JR (a childhood crush).  I was trying to remember how old I was when I remembered an incident.  I was at JR" house and we were watching TV.  JR's friend, Jake, came over.  He wanted JR to go out to play.  JR left the room to talk to him, but I could still hear them talking.  JR told Jake he couldn't go out to play because he was playing with me.  I heard Jake say, "Why do you want to play with her?  She's fat."  That crushed me, so I didn't hear JR's response, but Jake left and JR came back, so he must have told him to go.

I wasn't fat until the summer I was 10, so it must've been around then.  They moved and we stopped to visit them once when I was 11.  I never really liked Jake after that.  I was thinking about all of this because I was trying to decide if all my crushes were like Dan and I remembered that I used to play kiss tag with JR and my bestie at the time played with a little boy named Kimball.  I guess that was my first kiss..."

Next is the 30th of December, 2014

"Let's talk about Dave.  I've worked through this already, so I think I can brush by it fairly quickly.  He knew I liked him and he used that info to use me and as soon as something better came alone, he ditched me.  That one hurt the most because of Jess... my cousin.  My favorite cousin.  That's when I learned that the only person that truly loves you is yourself.  Family will turn on you at the drop of a hat.  Doesn't matter what your relationship was.  They don't really care one wit about you.  So I learned that year that friends and family will abandon you without a single backward glace.  I think that's when I went off the deep end... at least, my version of it.  I think Jared was an attempt to prove to myself that there was at least one person that cared about me.  But... he was Jared and only cared for himself.  Jared was where I really abandoned all hope... and myself.  I guess I never realized that.  I abandoned myself.

That was in 2001.  I started at my job a year later.  March 11, 2002.  That year was the 1st time I pretended to be someone else online.  There were two guys at that time.  Once named Antoine and another I don't remember.  The one I don't remember was the last time I was me online... until 2009 when I met my husband.  The one I don't remember... he broke my heart.  So my fake me was born.  I totally unleashed her in March of 2003 when my one friend left me and my parents wouldn't take me back.  I was truly alone and I used her to deal with it."

I had planned one writing several different entries, but this seems to be flowing, so maybe I'll just go until my hands hurt. :)

"January 11, 2015

With my fake persona, I became an online whore.  There's really no way to gloss over that.  I can't even begin to say how many people were influenced.  It just felt so good to be wanted and to have people actually want and need me.  I think that's why I convinced myself that looks didn't matter and if they really loved me, they'd stay.  No one did though.  No one ever stayed once I told the truth.  That's when stuff got really hard.  That's when I realized the flaw wasn't in how I looked, but that - I - was the flaw.  The very things that made me... me.  They were flawed.  And, if at my very core, I was unlovable... what hope did I ever have in anything?

During this time, a few things happened with my mom.  She let out some pants for me and told me if I'd just lose weight, she wouldn't have to do that.  She also brought attention to my knocked knees.  One more ship on the sea of Becki for me to hate.  It was at this time I was reaching my heaviest - 330 pounds.

Back to my online "me".  My psyche, my heart, my very being was so broken.  I honestly wanted to be kidnapped and "stored."  I thought if I had someone to control me, then I would be worth something.  Then I would know if I was good or bad, wanted or not, then things could be black and white, and I could KNOW my worth.

Because of how Jon and I are, I question my worth because I don't feel like he truly loves me in any way: physically, mentally, intellectually, or any other way someone can love someone else.  He loves me as long as I continue to provide.  Which is ridiculous because our way of life is nothing to be envious of."

"January 22, 2015

My end goal is to figure out how to stop needing others to provide me with my sense of worth.  I'd really like to provide myself with the love I so badly want from others.

I went to the temple today.  I thought about this stuff the whole time I was in there.  I think it's important for me to admit I have trouble with lust.  I think it's one of my character weaknesses.  I think it's the worst offender because I think my mind ties lust with importance.  And I think I tie those together because no one lusts after ugly people and I couldn't truly be fat and ugly as long as SOMEONE out there was willing to need me.

The problem with my online time is that I knew no one really wanted me or would be willing to be with me.  I knew this because no one wanted me in high school, Jr. High, or even elementary when others started going out.

I think online whoring started because:
1.  Jared and I broke up
2.  Dave went with Jess and not me
3.  Jess ripped my heart out
4.  My parents not letting me come home after my room-mate moved out.

I think #4 triggered it because my parents were my last hope of anyone caring about me and low and behold, they didn't.  And if slowly, one by one,  year by year, everyone who was supposed to love and want me stopped... well, why should I care about me if no one else does??  I think going online was a cry for help.  Looking for anyone to love me, the perv's surfaced, and I clung to it because they at least showed interest... until I was me and no some hot, slutty whore.  I'm still amazed at the speed people throw other people away.

So my cry for help was met with more rejection.  Aching to matter somewhere, I met with one of them.  He was from Rexburg... He reminded me of my religion and the promises I'd made myself as a kid.  I'd managed to hold onto the bulk of them, but the more I talked to him, the more I remembered... the more I couldn't do what I'd planned to do.

Funny enough, I think it was school that saved me the most.  It gave me a sense of worth and some confidence that I hadn't had in a REALLY long time.

I just realized I didn't put my parents abandoning me in my apartment on my resentment list.  Guess I better do it now... that really affected me for a LOT of years.  In fact, I think part of me is hanging on to it.

In the temple, I prayed so hard to think of the things I need to think of in order to save myself - with Heaven's help. :)  I'm missing something, but I don't know what.  In the temple, I got the feeling that I need to figure out my weaknesses and that made me think of that one paragraph in my patriarchal blessing.  It says to learn all about the word of wisdom.  It also says to learn how to control my body, my passions, my appetites.

Could "appetites" be my character weaknesses?  Yes.  I think my passions have already been discussed at length. :)  Tomorrow I'll download talks about the word of wisdom... see where it takes me.  I still feel like I'm missing something, but now I feel like I have the flashlight to help me look through the dark."

I'm going to stop for a minute to tell you this next entry is it.  This next one is the one that I let go.  This next one is the one that changed me.  Because of this entry, I'm free... I'm free.

"January 24th, 2015

Heavenly Father, why do I have to have all this crap constantly rubbed in my face?  I know no one loves me, I know I don't matter.  I don't need to be constantly reminded.  The thing I don't understand and what I'm trying to figure out is why... WHY don't I matter???  How do I start mattering?  Can I matter to me?  To You?  To SOMEONE?!?

Heavenly Father, Can I please just learn whatever I need to learn so I can be past this part of my life already?  We've already had this talk, but maybe I'm mad at You again and I need to get it out.  Why don't I deserve this stuff?  Why do I get to suffer with this?  What am I supposed to learn?  I feel like I'm learning that I'm someone that should just be alone.  Why suffer WITH someone, when I can suffer the same alone, MINUS the hurt from someone else?

I guess the point is to realize that relationships are pain.  It's impossible to have one without hurt.  It's not the one's that leave that matter, it's the one's that stay.  To them, I AM worth it... and I matter.

(This next one is the paragraph that changed me... you can't tell, but this is where I let go of that something I couldn't figure out... it was my dad... and this moment, 6:24 PM is when it left me...)

I need a revelation.  Like the one I got that night in group about dad and his regrets that I don't know about and the things he thinks and prays about.  By the way, I no longer feel like he controls everything.  I think that's finally gone. :)

What do I really want from people to feel loved/important?  I'm talking list data.  In my ideal world, what would I have?  For instance... Jon:
1.  He'd flirt with me
2.  He'd put his phone down
3.  He'd do everything he could to care for me/us financially and provide safety and security.

And there it is... "security."  I constantly feel that I am in limb.  I recently "secured" myself with my parents, but I am 100% insecure in all things regarding Jon.  I feel insecure financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, as a couple, and as myself.  I feel like I'm in a race-car with no driver, no brakes, no steering wheel, going at 100 mph.

I need to reflect on this..."

Guys, that's where I changed.  Within a week I lost 10 pounds.  By April I was down 20 total, July I was down 40 total... and today... well, today I've lost 64 pounds.  On January 24th I was 300 pounds.  Today, I am 236.  I am six pounds short of being down 100 from my highest of 330.

This 12 step program is hard... so hard.  But it's worth it.  I'm going to stop here for tonight, but I promise to keep going and update you to the present.  I still have to tell you about my "Plan of Abstinence" and all the other stuff I've been through! :)

I started out in a deep, dark, scary hole.  Heavenly Father reached in and pulled me out.  I dance with abandon, not caring who sees.  I mentor (facilitate) in our group meetings.  I am a freaking sponsor!  I have truly undone codependency... and a pretty gnarly food addiction.  Yes, I'm a food addict.  But I am recovering.  I am in awe of the power that has touched my life.

B

First Hurdle

First off, I’m so sorry!  It is so hard to find some private time to write!  Being in a cubical basically makes everything public and Jon is finished with school now, so I have no more time alone.  The really crappy part about it is I actually have quite a few things I want to talk about.  I’ve had quite a bit on my mind.

I’m not sure when I wrote last (sorry!) so I’ll just summarize a bit.  In thinking about my abandonment issues, it always bugged me that it was my mom and not my dad because I tried harder to be important to him than her.  After thinking about that for several days, it hit me.  When mom went to work, she wasn’t there to make dad act a certain way with us kids.  So she left, but tried to keep up with loving us.  My dad just stopped whatever he was doing and all three of us suffered (my sisters and me).  Mom left, but dad stopped giving us what we needed to not feel abandoned.

Once I had that amazing break through, it took a couple weeks, but I got a second one.  Despite how my dad looks or acts or anything else, he loved us the way he knew how.  It wasn’t what we needed in order to blossom and thrive, but it was enough to keep us plugging along.  There was a guy in my meeting though, that talked about his kids and how he regrets things he said.  I made me think of dad.  It dawned on me that he probably knew exactly what was going on and what he was doing, but he was powerless to stop it.  He’s probably expressed regret and wished he could fix it.  He’s probably even had a few conversations with God about it.  Before this guy spoke in my meeting, I’d NEVER thought of dad doing that.  This guy was the last one that spoke and once he finished and all this hit me, I just started bawling.  I went over, gave him a hug, and thanked him for adding a perspective I’d never considered.  I don’t know why, but it helps me a lot thinking my dad has regrets.

Well, so at last night’s meeting, I shared all of this.  And once again, while the last person was talking, I felt that I needed to text my dad and tell him that I appreciate him, that I love him, and that I’m sorry if I’ve ever taken him for granted.  And I told him I was glad he was my dad.  He wrote back and said, “Thanks, that’s nice to hear.”  I’m glad I followed through with that thought. :)

I’m working on new stuff.  I think my journey to undo my co-dependency is basically done.  I’ll never be “cured” because that’s impossible, but I can no identify when I’m doing it and I know how to stop it and change my behaviors.  Now, I’m working on the weight loss.  I feel like I’m in a race with hurdles and I’ve just finished clearing the first one… hopefully the second one won’t be too high.

B

Being imperfect is what makes me perfect.

Guess what I just realized, I don't have to be perfect. All I have to do is be perfect in my imperfection. It never fails though, when I'm not "perfect" I get this horrible sinking feeling. I think I actually feel like people will get rid of me because I'm not perfect. Since the trouble at work a few weeks ago, I've had all sorts of nightmares about being fired, even though nothing more was said about it. Ever. Not once.

Today I got talked to for being too loud. Apparently there have been complaints from all departments, not just the ones near me.

I don't understand why I do that, why do I hold myself to a standard of perfection? Maybe when I was a kid, I thought if I was perfect, I'd get love. It never worked though, so I don't know why I did it. Something to ponder, I guess.

I need to realize that I'm not perfect, and it's okay that I'm not. I'm not less of a person if I do something wrong. It just means I am a person, like everyone else. I do feel like since we've gotten here, all I've done is mess up. I feel like I'm not good enough. I know it's stupid and I know this place only gives feedback when it's bad (very rarely is it given when you've done well). So if they don't say anything, that means they're happy with me (again… still?). I need to retire.

On another note, my meeting on Sunday was good. I finally realized that I ate because it was my "bad behavior" like smoking was for my sister or playing insane was for my other sister. I got attention for it, so I kept it up. Then it became a habit and I forgot what started it. Then I became this… me. I still find myself thinking all my problems would be solved if I could just lose this weight, so I know I'm not ready to start yet. I know things won't be solved just for losing weight, so I am definitely not ready yet. My journey is slow, but I'm going steady, so hopefully it'll come to an end sooner than later. :)

B

Irony isn’t always funny!

That thing last week, where my supervisor talked with me, it's hit me really hard. I'm STILL preoccupied with it. All I keep thinking about it how I wasn't perfect. Then I think about how I'm not expected to be perfect and neither the Corporate Officer nor my Supervisor have thought about this incident again. And here I am killing myself over it. Why do I do that? I feel like any moment my supervisor is going to come over, ask me to his office, and he'll fire me. Over what? Two cells in Excel that updated and I forgot to verify them? No, that's stupid. And yet here I am, fretting over just such a scenario. I'm ridiculous. I've done MUCH worse (unintentionally) and I still have my job. Why am I being so silly about this?

I took a moment and said a prayer about it. I'm better now. I'll move on to bigger and brighter things. :) I was thinking Saturday about the irony in my life. Somehow I've associated importance and lovability of myself to my ability to attract and be intimate with the opposite sex. The great irony of it all is that Heavenly Father gave me a husband that intimacy is not high on his priority list. I am forever feeling worthless and unloved by Jon, yet I know that's not the case.

The new thing I'm trying to figure out now is how being "abandoned" by my mom made my pea-brain decide that sex and intimacy with a man is the only thing that can and does make me feel loved and wanted. The thing is, I know both my sister's do this too, but do you think either one of them would admit as much? Insert sardonic laugh here.

Last night in my group, I started my sharing portion with, "I am compulsive, emotional over-eater, and my trigger is anxiety." It felt really weird admitting that to a roomful of people. But it felt somewhat good too, because I wasn't hiding there. I hide everywhere else I go, even home and work, but I didn't hide there.

After all, the first step to recovery is actually admitting, out loud to others, that you have a problem.

B

Step one WAS the hardest...

Darn, it's been a while!  I told you it may not be very frequent any more. :(  So today was a 1st that used to be a common occurrence.  I felt like a total and complete moron.  Too stupid to even figure out how to breathe.  I made a common error on a spreadsheet that ANYONE could make, but I was called out on it by one of the Corporate Officers.  Then, of course, my supervisor had to "talk to me" about the error.  He didn't really come down on me or anything, but he said, "Haste is Waste."  Basically slow down.  The thing is, I had the formula in these three cells correct, but I must have fixed a formula in a cell higher up and the table I had formatted did a column auto-fill and overrode my original formula.  That would have been fine, but those three cells needed to be different than the rest in that column.  And I should have verified my work before sending it on to the Corporate Officer.

THEN, when that had finally gotten fixed and settled down (and I had mostly gotten over my feelings of moronishness), my supervisor came in and told me that one of my office decorations would be considered "clutter" by the CEO and I would need to take it down.  So I felt stupid already for the above issue, then I felt even more stupid for not knowing my decoration was clutterish. 

Basically, I had a rough day today.

Sunday I went to my first meeting for the Over-eaters anonymous thing.  I think it's going to be a while before I see results.  It's not going to be as easy as the codependent thing was because I am not ready to tackle this the way I tackled that.  I find myself avoiding thinking about my experience that started all of this... and I find myself avoiding any thought about what has gone on and continued to go on that has contributed to my continuing of compulsive eating.  I need to go get a physical book to work on, having a downloaded copy is good and all, but I think for this time around, I need something I can touch, hold, and stare at when I am exercising my right of avoidance. :)

Right now I feel like good and evil are battling it out inside of me.  I want to fix this, I want to work on it and get rid of my issues, but at the same time, it's easy and comfortable to stay where I'm at and to not exude any effort into overcoming my issues.

One of the ladies on Sunday put it perfectly, I'm so afraid of being rejected that I put on this weight and kept it on, but now, I'm so afraid of being rejected when I'm skinny, that I'm willing to risk keeping on the weight.  Right now if I'm rejected it's because I'm fat.  But if I'm skinny and rejected... that means it's me that people don't like; not just the way I look.

I hate that I understand that and yet I feel powerless to apply it.  This is definitely going to be a long hard journey.  At least I've done this; I've admitted out loud, to other people, that I compulsively/emotionally over-eat and I can no longer manage this on my own.  My life has become unmanageable in regards to this and I need help.

One step at a time, right? :)

B

On any journey, the first step is the hardest.

I've been reading that book, "Fat is a Family Affair" and I've read some really interesting stuff. I've made notes, but unfortunately, left them at home. It strongly urges readers to go to an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting and utilize the stuff there. Well, I looked into it and it just so happens my church offers one, locally, at 7:15pm Sunday's. I made plans to go Sunday, but didn't quite make it. I have the panicky feeling I had when I started in on my resentment list. Like I'll lose who I am if I go. Same with the resentment list, I'm telling myself to stop being ridiculous and just get it over with… but I'm so scared.

I'd never admit that to anyone, but it's somewhat "safe" to admit it on my Blog, after all, I don't know who is reading this or if I even know them. By getting the scared feeling though, I know it's where I'm supposed to go. I find myself clinging to stupid excuses though. I don't have the book. Yeah, well, it's online and I have a digital copy. Next excuse, please. :) You get the idea.

I find myself wanting to find someone to go with, but the downside of that is whomever I take gets to know all the crap that happened to turn me into an over-eater in the first place. The other thing I'm nervous about is that it's a men and women meeting, not women only. I just need to get over myself and go. I told my husband last night that I was going to start going to that one along with the one I've been going to on Tuesday. Guess I need to just suck it up and do it this week. The sooner I start, the sooner it's over, right?

On a side note, my office is moving, and that's where I've composed most of my postings. I'm not going to have my very own office anymore, we're moving to cubicles. I may not be able to write how I have been. I'm going to have to start writing from home… but who knows, maybe I'll still be able to post from work! That's why I've had fewer posts lately, we've been packing up, having meetings about packing up, and helping get everything ready.

I'm really scared about Sunday. I'm still me, regardless of the outer package. Right?

B

What’s love got to do with it?

After all this work I've put in, I think I've managed to clear up all my "issues" except one. The one where I feel like no one loves me. How does one go about feeling loved? I obviously don't know how to feel loved, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for me. I try playing around with Jon and he just yells at me for tickling him or scaring him. Just now as I wrote that, I realized, that's an awfully like how a 10 year-old would try to get love… and guess how old I was when I lost this particular talent.

I guess now, my challenge is to figure out how to feel loved as a 35 year-old. Maybe it'll help to list out the things I need in order to feel loved? Maybe I'll see something in the list that I haven't seen before now. So, 1. Be considered and thought of. 2. Get paid attention to. 3. The little things that show I've been thought of; a card, flowers, or perhaps a clean kitchen.

I'm sure there's more, but the one thing I keep thinking is: this is all stuff I depend on someone else to do to make me feel loved. How do I provide that for myself? How do I stop from depending on others for my love value? I think if I can figure this one out, I'll become a millionaire! :) Seriously though, how do I stop feeling ridiculous, embarrassed, and alone when Jon rejects the way I'm trying to get him to love me. I can't even think about touching him without him yelling about how it tickles and how I'm torturing him. You know, now that I think about it this way, the lack of physical touch in our relationship has really hindered the growth of our love. In my case, I feel like it's dying, not maintaining or growing. I really can't touch Jon anywhere. If I try rubbing his bum, he gets mad at me. If I rub his sides, he gets mad at me. If I rub his back, but get too close to the sides; he gets mad at me. If I rub his leg, he gets mad at me. He's ticklish EVERYWHERE and I honestly can't touch him without him getting upset with me. I've pointed out that I just can't touch him, but he whines at me that I can. The truth is though, if I could, I'd have found it by now.

The thing is, without touch, it's harder to show him how I feel, but I manage it with little things. He's not compensated in any other areas though. He says he has, but it's that kind of trying that is just enough that you can't say he HASN'T tried, but it's not enough to actually make a difference.

We celebrated our three year anniversary last week and had a pretty good talk at our celebratory dinner. We just talked about the first time we met, online and in person, and all the things we thought and felt. Jon said this awakened something in him he didn't realize was dead and he has a renewed interest in us. He's going to work on forgiving himself for things he's done to me that he still feels guilty about. I'm almost afraid to hope. Maybe this is the turnaround we need.

B

Facing my fear

A couple things. First, I was the only one in my group meeting last night. This is the second week in a row. I haven't decided yet if I like it or hate it, but it is interesting to be alone. Second, I couldn't sleep last night. I had a nice hour forty-five nap from 10:30-12:15, then I was awake until about 4:30, slept till 6:00, was up to potty, back to sleep, and up with my alarm at 6:45. Boo. :(

During my wakeful period, I had time to contemplate things I've been avoiding. How much will it cost to fix the car? Did the software update on my tablet fix my Bluetooth connectivity issues? Why am I avoiding this new book that I have? Now, if you're a betting person, I'll bet you can figure out which one I'm going to talk about. ;)

This new book. I've started it, stopped it, started it, stopped it… and until last night I never thought of it again. Well, last night, the situation reminded me of when I avoided doing my resentment list. I realized that I truly believe this book can and will help me. And that scares the poop out of me! It was different with the resentment list, because that created a "hole" no one else could see. But if this book fixes me and I lose my "fat blanket," then what? It's mildly terrifying to think of facing the world without any protection, so to speak.

So tonight, armed with a pencil, highlighters, and a notebook, I'm going to start reading the book again. And I'm not going to stop until it's done. This facing-my-fears thing sucks. It's really hard, but I will do this.

B

And the truth shall set you free…

On Friday, my husband told me his college class was canceled. I was busy helping my mom with my dad so I didn't really pay attention to it. But his explanation put me off a little at the time. Well, when I came to work yesterday, I finally had a moment to think about it. Years ago, because of stuff he and I went through, I made him give me the passwords to all his stuff. I logged into his email yesterday afternoon because his instructor always emails Jon when class is canceled. I found the email, but it was FROM Jon TO the teacher. Jon told him his mouth was still hurting and that he was going to be missing class again.

I had the conversation with Jon on Thursday regarding my new boundary with lies. He did this Friday. I texted him and asked him if school had really be canceled or if he'd just not gone. He said it was canceled. I asked if he missed class because his teacher canceled it or if he missed because of his tooth. He finally came back and said it was because of his tooth. I said, "So you lied." He said yes. I said okay and left it at that.

I sat at work and agonized over what to do. I had been so adamant about the boundary when I put it up – how would it make me look if I didn't uphold it? I got home, he was watching TV before he left for school. I went back into the bedroom and changed. When I came out, I said, "I don't want to do this, but I was 100% clear with you what would happen if you lied. So I was wondering what all you want me to leave on the couch for you tonight."

He got mad at me. Started making excuses. When that didn't work, he started accusing me of stuff. When that didn't work, he shut down and left. I told him to have a good class and that I loved him, he said bye and shut the door. I felt horrible all evening. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't put up with this treatment either. He called me around 9:30 on a break and he actually talked to me. We talked about the night apart and how he has to own his mistakes and take the consequences. Making excuses are for kids trying to get out of trouble, not adults dealing with their poor decision. I told him that this lie was worse because he knew what was going to happen, but he took the risk that I wouldn't find out. So not only did he lie, but he withheld the truth, AND he forced me to lie to my parents because I thought it was truth.

I cleaned up the living room for him. I folded his blanket, took his pillows out, and got him some sleeping pills because I knew he'd have a hard time sleeping without me. Then the dogs and I went into the bedroom and didn't emerge until this morning. I slept horribly. Tossed and turned all night. Jon said he slept horribly too. I'm glad I stuck to my guns because now he knows I mean business. This morning he told me he was going to try his hardest to always be honest with me. I think this was him testing me to see if I'd deliver the consequences I said I would. It was so hard to follow through, but I think in the long run, it'll be best for our marriage. I just hope he doesn't lie to me again…

B

Singing the Blues

Once again, I have an issue from over the weekend. And once again I'll write/vent about it here. And I'm sure, once again, I'll listen to more sermons online and come up with some awesome lesson I needed to learn. Can't we just skip over everything and get to the lesson? I know we can't, but it would sure be nice. Sometimes I wish I could be done learning things, but then I realize I never will be done. And so, onto the next solution!

My dad had knee surgery last week. He came home from the hospital Friday. I took some time off Friday afternoon to help my mom get him settled. When Jon went to work Saturday, I went back over to play games with him and entertain him somewhat. On Sunday Jon and I went over after church so my mom could go to church. We brought some leftover pot roast with us and we ended up making a yummy stew for dinner and just hung out all day with my folks.

Jon wasn't feeling very well and asked me to drive. Well, all the fun has passed now and we're ready to head home. We get in the car and start driving. Earlier that day I'd changed from mp3's over to the radio because I like to listen to a local station that plays church songs. When we got into the car to head home, the station had switched over to its regular programming, which, at night, just happens to be love songs. So we're driving home and enjoying some Genesis, Journey, and when we're about two blocks from home, Celine Dion's song, "My Heart Will Go On," came on. I LOVE that song! I turned it up and was just belting it out, I was so happy! When we got closer to home I begged Jon to let me drive around a little more until the song was over, because I really wanted to sing it all out. He relented and said yes. HOORAY!!!

I bypassed our street and headed back up the road, singing my little heart out. I glanced over at Jon and he has this horrible sour puss look on his face. I said something like, "Thanks for letting me do this! I know you're not a huge fan of this song." And I kept singing. As I headed back home again, the song wound its way down. During a music only part, I glanced at Jon again to just share the joy of the moment. If it was possible, I think his sour look was even more sour. It just killed my spirit. I sort of mumbled out the last few sentences of the song, then turned the radio down and headed home in relative silence.

Then the fight came. Why did I turn down the music? He hates that song. He wasn't making a sour face. He didn't rain all over my parade. I'm the one starting the fight and yelling at him.

Sure, whatever. We got home, I went to change. When I came out, he said he was sorry. Not the kind of sorry where he means it, but the kind of sorry where he just doesn't want me to be mad at him anymore. I told him it was fine (again!) and told him to just forget about it. He left to go play his video game and I sat on the couch watching TV and wanting to be anywhere but at home with him.

When I went in to go to bed, he apologized again. I asked him if he even understood why it had upset me and he explained it… so I guess he did understand. It still felt not real though. I told him all was forgiven and turned on Candy Crush Saga on my phone. After a minute I said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes. I said, "Why do you start a fight when you know you did the thing that upset me, you knew you were doing it, and you didn't stop and then you take it out on me?" He said he didn't understand the question. So I said, "When I asked if I could sing the song, why did you agree if you knew you hated it, if you knew you'd sit there and be grumpy instead of sharing in my happiness, when you knew you'd just use it to start a fight about something else?"

Do you know what he said? He said, "I wasn't being grumpy." Oh, okay. My mistake. If someone I love is singing a song I can't stand, but they're so into it and they're loving it, I smile at them and sort of dance around, maybe even belting out some of the words, if I know them. But not Jon. He couldn't even let me have 3 minutes and 46 seconds of happiness and joy.

I don't know what he's really irritated about that made him start that fight, but it really worries and scares me that he couldn't put aside his feelings for 5 minutes to let me feel some joy and to perhaps share in that joy with me. It was so great at first, but now I wish that song hadn't come on the radio.

Don't despair. As I said earlier, I'm sure I'll get the answer in a few days. I can't wait for these lessons to be done with.

B

Boundaries

At Tuesday's meeting, the discussion mostly revolved around boundaries and how to get people to stick to them. Also, how hard it is to enforce them when broken. I didn't realize it at the time, but this had really gotten me thinking. Tuesday I took the day off because my husband had a wisdom tooth removed. I stayed home with him and took care of him. Wednesday, I returned to work, thinking he would too, but he decided he hurt too much and that he was going to take another day. Thursday he works 2-8. I came home at 5 to find him sitting on the couch. I asked him if he'd gone to work and he said he tried going in at 1:00, but ended up leaving at 4:00. He was in his jeans, I was kind of suspect, but decided to let it go.

I went into the bedroom to change. We have a long hallway of closet in the master bedroom. There are two half doors and one set of full doors, so three openings. One half door is Jon's, the other is mine. My half door was open. About a month ago, Jon asked me to hide his video games from him so he'd have that time to study instead of goofing off. When I spotted the door, I went back out to the living room and said, "Two things: one, why is my closet door open?" He said, "Uhhh.." I said, "You tried to find your video games, didn't you?" He said yes. I said, "Two, you didn't really go into work, did you?" He said no.

I took a moment to breathe, then I shared with him what my group had talked about on Tuesday. I told him I was sick of his lies and that I'm putting up a clear and unnegotiable boundary. I told him that if he told me a lie, starting after this conversation, he was going to be spending the night not in our bed. I didn't care if it was on the couch, the spare bed in the 2nd bedroom, or on the floor. It just wasn't going to be with me. Then, I said, if he chose to lie to me again and again and again, each night would be spent not with me. After five consecutive nights not spent with me, if he lied the 6th day, he was going to spend a night outside of our home. I didn't care where, friends, family, whatever. Then I told him that if he lied to me the 7th day, we would discuss the parameters of a trial separation.

I made sure he understood what I meant, I made sure he understood I meant business, and THEN I told him that because of his lying, I don't feel like he respects me, I don't trust him, and it's putting a big strain on our marriage. I told him that I didn't deserve to be lied to. And I asked him why, after a couple years of being married, he suddenly decided he couldn't tell me the truth any more. He didn't really have an answer. I think he finally understood how much I despise his lies and that I will not put up with them in our home.

I hate having to put this boundary up. I shouldn't have to demand my spouse be honest with me. Anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I keep praying for him and I keep doing things I think will help him, but then he doesn't seem to make any progress. He's probably progressing, I just don't see it because I'm too close to it. I don't know. I do know that I'm in a different place than him and I'm getting tired of holding my hand out behind me to help him up only to have him pull too hard on it. Do I let go? Or do I clench harder and hope he doesn't get ripped from my grasp?

B

Mind Twister

I think I've mentioned that I've started reading a new book. This one is called, "Fat is a Family Affair". It's quite interesting so far. I've been meaning to sit down and actually act like I'm studying it, but my days have ended up getting away from me. I was reading it last night and came upon a passage that was awesome. Since my book isn't with me, this isn't verbatim, but it's found on page 32. It basically says that once you realize that eating makes you neither good nor bad, but for survival, you'll be able to stop letting it control you. The funny thing is, until I read this, I never realized I labeled food as making ME good or bad. But I do. I even caught myself doing it this morning, EVEN THOUGH I JUST READ ABOUT IT!

I usually have oatmeal for breakfast because I can prepare it at work, I need nothing more than water and a microwave, it'll help with my cholesterol, and I happen to like it. While preparing it today, I caught myself thinking about how good I was being. Then I starting thinking about what the book said. I have a way to liken it unto something. If you've seen the movie The Matrix, there is a scene where a little child tells Neo that he needs to stop trying to bend the spoon, but realize that there is no spoon in order to bend it. THAT'S WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!!! Haha!

I feel like I understand the concept, but at the exact same time, I can't wrap my brain around it. There's food that is "good" and "bad", but whether I eat them or not does not make ME good or bad. It may be a bad choice to eat it, but I am not a bad person if I eat it.

This is one of those concepts I just stare into space and think about. It's such an interesting topic. I'm getting excited though, because I feel like I'm in my next step of recovery. Maybe someday soon I'll be a healthy weight! :)

B

Pride

Interesting topic today. I've been thinking about Jon's outburst on Tuesday and my reaction to it. Even after he apologized Wednesday morning (via text message), I was still hanging onto the hurt. I don't know why I was, maybe I felt validated in doing so. I listened to a church sermon that talked about Christ and his disciples; how He told them that one of them would betray Him. Rather than looking accusingly at one another, they all looked at Christ and asked, "Lord, is it I?" It went on and talked more deeply on the subject, bringing into light the subject of pride and how the disciples were humble by asking about themselves rather than pointing the finger at each other. This got me thinking about pride and being prideful and then it struck me. By denying Jon forgiveness, I was being prideful.

Well, per usual, I Googled the terms to make sure I was being constructive with my train of thought. This is what I got:

pride
noun \ˈprīd\
: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc.

While looking at pride, it showed a synonym of pride that struck me it was:

dis·dain·ful
adjective \-fəl\
: feeling strong dislike or disapproval for something or someone you think does not deserve respect : feeling or showing disdain

Interesting, right? I didn't think he deserved the forgiveness because this was just another grievance in a LONG line of grievances I had in regards to his treatment of me, all his lies, and his lack of interest in the things that are most important to me. Once the thought of being prideful passed through my mind, I could feel my resolve of holding him accountable melt. I'm still having trouble forgiving him, but now I am not withholding that forgiveness to "punish" him for his slight.

My current trouble is that I feel so burnt out. I thought it was work, but I think it's with Jon. I've just tried and tried and tried for so long that I'm struggling now. I heard someone say that, "The fastest way to love someone is to serve them." Service never fails! So I've been praying for opportunities to serve Jon, but it's only been the last 24 hours or so that I've had that on my mind. I really need something to get me back in love with him. I love him, but I'm not so sure I'm in love with him… or if I ever was.

B

Men…

I had this dream Saturday morning right before I woke up. When I woke up, I was so sad I started crying. In my dream, I'd just married someone that wasn't Jon. I was still in my wedding dress and my new husband left me alone for a minute. I got a phone call. It was Jon. He told me that my new husband had left a porno magazine in his hotel room from the night before. I thought, "Oh, no! Not again!!" But to Jon I asked him why he was doing this. I said, "I loved you! Why did you do this to me? Why did you ruin our lives??"

When I woke up, I was missing Jon and grieving for our marriage. I started crying and just had to touch Jon. I reached over and put my hand on his chest. In his sleep he reached up and held my hand. I had some really weird mixed feelings all day, but mostly I felt my love for him. Then Sunday morning happened. We were up watching some church on TV and Jon just wouldn't put down his phone. When I tried to look at what he was doing, he hid the screen and put his phone down. I asked him what he was doing and he lied to me. I told him when he was ready to tell me the truth, I'd be sitting right there. He lied again. Three hours later he decided to come clean with the truth, but the lie had already been told. So all these intense feelings I'd had Saturday sort of crashed down around me. I'm upset with Jon for lying to me and I'm more upset with myself for letting his lies affect my church experience.

I get so tired of his lies and I don't know how to help him. I'd been praying for ways to help him, but then I realized that I needed to pray for the desire to help him because I just get so tired of the same merry-go-round. He's trying and in a lot of ways he's succeeding. I just worry he's going to tell one too many lies and lose me for good. I flip flop from wanting to force him to do better to not even wanting him to touch me. I just want him to be strong enough to do what he has to do.

I'm not sure what this post is doing. I just get so frustrated with Jon… I just want to be loved, already.

B

Child-Like Faith

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just couldn't decide on anything to say. And I was going to post this yesterday, but the day got away from me, so you're getting it today. :)

Tuesday, in my meeting, someone brought up having child-like faith. It got me thinking about what that really means. And if I have it. To start it off, I turned to… you guessed it! Google! Google says Child-Like means:


child·like
/ˈCHīldˌlīk/

adjective
adjective: childlike; adjective: child-like

: resembling or suggesting a child : like that of a child; especially : having or showing the pleasing qualities (such as innocence) that children often have, marked by innocence, trust, and ingenuousness

(of an adult) having good qualities associated with a child.

"she speaks with a childlike directness"

synonyms:

innocent, artless, guileless, unworldly, unsophisticated, naive, ingenuous, trusting, unsuspicious, unwary, credulous, gullible; unaffected, without airs, uninhibited, natural, spontaneous; informal: wet behind the ears

Well, I'm getting better on the innocence part, I need to do better on the trust, but I'm not sure how, and ingenuous… well, I wasn't sure what that meant. It means, "Free from reserve, restraint, or dissimulation; candid; sincere." I am getting better in that area, I speak up much sooner than I used to.

So apparently I'm moving on to a new topic because I just can't get this out of my head. Jon had another bad night at school last night. He comes home and I'm the one that gets yelled at. I'm not complaining about that, because I get it. The point I'm getting to is that I am just so tired of being his rock. I'm sick of being his cheerleader. How do I get back to that place I was where I wasn't worn down by his doubts and I encouraged him to do everything he could think of? Now, when he has a bad day and comes home to rag at me, I just want to tell him to quit. That's what he wants to do anyway, right? I'm tired of holding his hand and guiding him through his emotions. I had to figure out my mine-field, why should it be my job to figure out his too??

I know this is the wrong attitude to have, I should be excited to help him and lift him up. I've been praying…. Wow… I've been praying for the wrong thing. I've been asking for ways for me to help him, but I need to be praying for the desire to help him. The desire to be there for him, to support him, and share in his yoke.

And, now I'm happy I digressed. :) I think it does tie back to child-like faith though. I need to trust in Jon, be unsuspicious, unwary… I wonder if that'll help me get back the love I feel like I've lost for him. Interesting turn this took.

B

Epic-ness is coming!

I owe an apology for my last post. I dwelt on the bad and didn't focus on the good. The other side of my story that I should've shared was that after I'd composed myself in church and managed to stop the crying, it dawned on me that I'd allowed myself to feel my feelings. Right there on the spot. I felt it, I dealt with it, and I let it go. Score one point for team Becki! Someday I'll learn to let it go sooner than I did Sunday, but I think just allowing myself to feel it in the moment was awesome! It wasn't so long ago that I'd have stuffed it down and held onto it and used it as ammo in my, "I'm worthless" campaign.

So… tonight's the night! I'm going over to my parents' house and asking my dad to read that book because I think it'll help him. It's funny, every now and again I get excited butterflies, but I haven't yet gotten nervous ones.

Religious people do this thing called "Fasting." If you don't know what that is, it's where you sacrifice food and water for a period of time (usually not longer than 24 hours) to become more Spiritually clear on things you've been praying about. I have a medical condition that makes it virtually impossible to fast, so I haven't fasted in years. I wanted to Spiritual clarity that comes from it though, so I've opted to fast from my phone, rather than food. I'm not glued to my phone like a lot of people are, but I use it enough to need to charge it every few hours. I was just going to leave it home, but I decided to bring it with me because of the mind set of people nowadays. Perhaps if they couldn't have gotten a hold of me on my mobile phone they'd start panicking and thinking something bad happened. So I brought it with me *just* so I can answer any phone calls that may come in. But it's in my desk drawer and I haven't touched it.

I plan on listening to past sermons/talks all day, listening to hymns, and praying for inspiration whenever possible. This is going to be epic, I can feel it.

B

This over-eating thing…

I got my hair cut on Saturday. I don't mean a little trim or anything, the sides were cut at least three inches and the back I stacked, so it took off almost six inches back there. Jon came home and told me it was cute and that he liked it. I was so excited to get up and style it the next day for church. Got to church and not one person noticed. A lot of them had seen me the day before prior to getting my hair cut and no one mentioned a thing. Then, Jon had a guy from church ask if he could help with something after church and Jon tried to get out of it. I stupidly opened my mouth and said he had time around 1:00 to do it. I should've just sat there and pretended I wasn't listening. Jon ended up yelling at me after the guy left and I ended up beating myself up for trying to control him.

The thing is, this is something he needs to do to help his faith grow… I just want him to be spiritually happy. So right there in the middle of church, I end up crying. I bowed my head and prayed while listening to the hymns so it would just look like I was really moved spiritually, but it really hurt my feelings that Jon would get mad at me for looking out for his wellbeing. I told him at the time that I was sorry and I'd stay out of it next time. He kept a hold of the anger for a couple hours and we ended up getting into it again outside a restaurant we were meeting some family at. That one started because he did something in traffic that scared me and I spoke up. That gets him riled up faster than anything else because he claims I don't trust him to drive the car. The thing is (as I told him) if ANYONE did anything to scare me in traffic, I'd speak up! My mom tried to lane change the other day right into another car and I told her to wait. I'm going to speak up! I don't want anyone to be in an accident or worse, get hurt.

During this second talk he ended up apologizing and saying some other things, so the day wasn't completely ruined. I just get sick of him yelling at me when I'm trying to help.

To top it off, I ended up overeating yesterday (shocker), so today I'm even more upset with myself because I can't even control that stupid tiny part of my life. When I feel myself get the munchies, I need my first reaction to be a prayer, not to peruse the refrigerator contents. I'll get this down, I know I will. I just need to re-train myself, I guess. I think I turn to food as part of my numbing process. Or maybe it's for the distraction that a painfully full tummy provides. Either way, I need to figure something out.

I just ordered a book called, "Fat is a Family Affair." We'll see what it has to say!

B

It’s good for them?

I've decided that I have got to get my family to read this book. I've been wondering how to accomplish that for a week or so now. This morning it just came to me. My older sister has always tried to "understand" me because I'm different than her and my younger sister. The difference, that I see now, is that in the codependent world, I am the caregiver and my dad and my siblings are the "alcoholics." I think my mom is also a caregiver, but I think it's a role she was forced into, not one she was raised in.

I was thinking, in the spirit of trying to "understand" me, I could suggest they read this book. Hopefully when they read it, they'll start looking for me in the pages and end up seeing themselves.

I just had a thought though… by doing it this way, am I trying to control them? The thing is, if they aren't in the stage of their life that they're receptive to this, they won't want to read it. If I don't tell them it's for me, they won't read it… I mostly think of my dad. His dad was horrible and I really think he'd benefit by reading this book, but it'll make him get into his feelings and so he won't read it unless he thinks he's doing it to help me.

GAH! I don't know what to do now! I thought I was all clever this morning, but now I just wonder if I'm controlling and manipulating. :( Maybe I'll call my mom…

B

**Update**

So after talking with my mom, I kept getting the feeling that I need to sit down with my dad and basically have a heart to heart.  A year ago, this would have freaked me out, but now?  I feel so calm and open and... backed by Heavenly Father.  I think this is what He wants me to do and I am once again so very grateful for these past steps in my life that I am in a place that He can work through me.

My parents will be home next Tuesday, Wednesday night I'm going to go visit.  I'll worry about my sisters later, right now, it's all about my dad.

B

Feelings

This book I'm reading, it keeps making me think. I guess that's a good thing, right? :) The last couple chapters kind of go hand in hand. In one, they talk about how everyone is always in one stage or another of the grieving process. I thought that was super interesting. They said whether the "loss" was small or big, the grieving process is there. Sometimes it lasts five minutes and sometimes it lasts years, just depends on the loss we're dealing with. Then the chapter after that is titled, Feel your feelings.  Simple, right? Ha! I laugh at your simple!

Back to the grief stages. In the book it says that when codependents have feelings they don't know what to do with, they push them down. Make themselves numb. I can't tell you how many times, usually over a boy, that I repeated to myself over and over and over, "Don't feel, just don't feel. Stop feeling, just don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel. Don't feel." Now, I haven't done that in a few years, but I HAVE caught myself doing the numb thing, as recently as Sunday!

When we stop trying to feel, we're in denial… stage one. The author says that everyone goes through these phases. The difference is, as a co-dependent, we don't feel the feelings. Thus we're always stuck in the same stage(s) and never moving forward. If you allow yourself to feel the hurt, recognize it, feel it, and file it away (don't push it down and numb it! FILE it away as felt and dealt with), THEN you can move onto the next stage.

I found this interesting because when I did my resentment list, that's what I finally did! I allowed myself to feel those feelings I'd buried and paved over with a good thick layer of numb. I think my issue with my parents leaving was that I was disappointed and angry that my plans with my mom suddenly became moot because they wanted to go to their other home. I felt like I was being pushed down the priority list, AGAIN, and it pissed me off. The funny thing is, as I typed that, THAT is when I finally felt the feelings and successfully filed them away.

So why was it so hard for me to identify that on Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday? I think I need to start taking a moment every hour to assess my feelings and see if there are any floating around that need felt. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch, I already think about all these things the 12 step program tells you to add to your thoughts. Keeping a prayer in your heart, try to think of the Savior often, aligning your will with God's, and taking time to be still to listen to the spirit as it tells you what you need to do.

It's interesting to me that sometime so small and seemingly insignificant can put the brakes on someone's progress at all, let alone years. Because, c'mon, let's face it… I'm 35 and this has put the brakes on my life, my progress, for at least 30 of those years. I SO wish I could get my mom and dad to read this book, I wish I could get them to participate in this program, and I wish I could get my dad to see that while it was his "fault," it wasn't his "fault" at all, this is something that gets passed down and spread and festers until someone finally breaks the cycle. Ha, maybe I'll start praying for the opportunity to share this with my dad. All I need is a little opening. My feelings about this 12 step program and now this book are so tender and so passionate, if given the opportunity to bear my testimony regarding it, I feel like he (my dad) may actually listen.

Until then, keep praying and keep feeling!

B

The Good and the Bad

My husband and I were finally intimate!! After years of me trying to turn him on with his only response being rejection, I gave it a go again Saturday night and it worked! I know you don't need details, but I was so excited! This has been the first time since May. Yes, MAY. It was SO awesome to have him respond the right way.

My parents decided Friday to leave for their other home in a warmer state than Idaho. They left Saturday. My mom and I were supposed to go to a baby shower Saturday night, but since she was leaving, I didn't really want to go either. In fact, I had several things planned for Saturday and ended up not doing a single one of them because I was feeling down. And I was eating, again. Just this morning I realized I was irritated at my parents for (once again) choosing something else above me. I could've still gone ahead with my plans on Saturday, but I didn't. I can't wait until I can figure out how to detach myself from them. AH! This just irritates me so much. Why do I even care if they leave town or not?? I guess I don't care if they leave town, I care that they couldn't wait one more day to leave so my mom and I could have our Saturday plans. I guess I was a bit embarrassed too because I'd already called to RSVP for my mom and I… I don't know, I'm still sorting through all my emotions. Because instead of insisting I look at them Friday or even Saturday, I went "numb" and didn't deal with them until today.

Yesterday Jon and I had a fight. He pulled out of a diagonal parking space and instead of backing up straight and continuing down the aisle, he backed up and turned to leave the opposite way. The aisle isn't large enough, there was a lady waiting for us, and I was SO embarrassed. I asked him not to do that anymore because it's "rule of the road" not to back out of those spaces incorrectly. He got mad and asked me why I even cared and I told him it's because it embarrassed me having that lady watch us and making her wait for us. He did NOT like that. Later when I asked him why it made him so upset that I was embarrassed, he said he didn't know yet, that he was still thinking about it. I think I know though. I think me saying it embarrassed me made him feel guilty. Jon's family bathed him in guilt regularly so he has always had a volcanic response when I make him feel guilty. He told me I didn't need to add on the last bit, that telling him not to back up that way was good enough. To which I responded that it was his question; he ASKED me why I didn't like him doing it.

Anyway, the fight started getting louder and ended up with him saying he hates to drive me because I try to manipulate and control him and it's just easier if he lets me drive. I asked if I wasn't supposed to say something when I was scared or embarrassed; should I just sit quietly in the car and not breath or move? Then he left saying we needed to cool down and talk about it later.

After years (growing up) where I wasn't allowed to have emotions, I'm going to have them now! And I'm going to express them! I wish I could've handled this differently, but I'm not sure what I could have done. Guess I'll just chalk it up to another day of life and move on. :)

B