Hi... sorry. I promise I've been working the steps though! I just haven't been doing it on here like I thought I would. I decided to put all my journaling efforts on here though, so all my old stuff... I'm going to type it in here for you, word for word. :)
So to start off, on December 29th, 2014 I listed out my character weaknesses as they were at that time. I will comment afterward, maybe, about what is or isn't the same. Guys, I have come FAR this last year!! You'll never believe it once we get to it. :) So, onto my character weaknesses! I believe this is step 6 and then I've got a bit of some step 4 for you. :)
"Character Weaknesses
Controlling
Fearful
Anxious
Co-Dependent
Gluttony / Greet: Wanting and taking too much at the expense of others.
Gossiping, criticizing, and loose talk
Humility: Feeling better than and worse than others and being self-centered
Envy
Perfectionism: Expecting or demanding too much from myself or others. Treating things that aren't perfect as not good enough, not recognizing a good try or progress.
Prejudice against skinny people - I think they're judging me
Resentment
Rigid
Self-pitying
Phoniness
Immoral thinking and actions
Fearless Inventory
The first time I had a crush that I envisioned him coming to "save" me white knight style was a guy named Dan. I remember getting in a fight with my sister and my dad made us box it out. We had to stand there and hit each other while he watched. I remember fantasizing about Dan coming, telling my dad where to stick it, and carrying off into the sunset. I remember I was having a hard time with my friend prior to that thing with Dan. I remember being so very lonely between 9th and 10th grade. I longed for death, for anything other than what I had.
The other day I was thinking about JR (a childhood crush). I was trying to remember how old I was when I remembered an incident. I was at JR" house and we were watching TV. JR's friend, Jake, came over. He wanted JR to go out to play. JR left the room to talk to him, but I could still hear them talking. JR told Jake he couldn't go out to play because he was playing with me. I heard Jake say, "Why do you want to play with her? She's fat." That crushed me, so I didn't hear JR's response, but Jake left and JR came back, so he must have told him to go.
I wasn't fat until the summer I was 10, so it must've been around then. They moved and we stopped to visit them once when I was 11. I never really liked Jake after that. I was thinking about all of this because I was trying to decide if all my crushes were like Dan and I remembered that I used to play kiss tag with JR and my bestie at the time played with a little boy named Kimball. I guess that was my first kiss..."
Next is the 30th of December, 2014
"Let's talk about Dave. I've worked through this already, so I think I can brush by it fairly quickly. He knew I liked him and he used that info to use me and as soon as something better came alone, he ditched me. That one hurt the most because of Jess... my cousin. My favorite cousin. That's when I learned that the only person that truly loves you is yourself. Family will turn on you at the drop of a hat. Doesn't matter what your relationship was. They don't really care one wit about you. So I learned that year that friends and family will abandon you without a single backward glace. I think that's when I went off the deep end... at least, my version of it. I think Jared was an attempt to prove to myself that there was at least one person that cared about me. But... he was Jared and only cared for himself. Jared was where I really abandoned all hope... and myself. I guess I never realized that. I abandoned myself.
That was in 2001. I started at my job a year later. March 11, 2002. That year was the 1st time I pretended to be someone else online. There were two guys at that time. Once named Antoine and another I don't remember. The one I don't remember was the last time I was me online... until 2009 when I met my husband. The one I don't remember... he broke my heart. So my fake me was born. I totally unleashed her in March of 2003 when my one friend left me and my parents wouldn't take me back. I was truly alone and I used her to deal with it."
I had planned one writing several different entries, but this seems to be flowing, so maybe I'll just go until my hands hurt. :)
"January 11, 2015
With my fake persona, I became an online whore. There's really no way to gloss over that. I can't even begin to say how many people were influenced. It just felt so good to be wanted and to have people actually want and need me. I think that's why I convinced myself that looks didn't matter and if they really loved me, they'd stay. No one did though. No one ever stayed once I told the truth. That's when stuff got really hard. That's when I realized the flaw wasn't in how I looked, but that - I - was the flaw. The very things that made me... me. They were flawed. And, if at my very core, I was unlovable... what hope did I ever have in anything?
During this time, a few things happened with my mom. She let out some pants for me and told me if I'd just lose weight, she wouldn't have to do that. She also brought attention to my knocked knees. One more ship on the sea of Becki for me to hate. It was at this time I was reaching my heaviest - 330 pounds.
Back to my online "me". My psyche, my heart, my very being was so broken. I honestly wanted to be kidnapped and "stored." I thought if I had someone to control me, then I would be worth something. Then I would know if I was good or bad, wanted or not, then things could be black and white, and I could KNOW my worth.
Because of how Jon and I are, I question my worth because I don't feel like he truly loves me in any way: physically, mentally, intellectually, or any other way someone can love someone else. He loves me as long as I continue to provide. Which is ridiculous because our way of life is nothing to be envious of."
"January 22, 2015
My end goal is to figure out how to stop needing others to provide me with my sense of worth. I'd really like to provide myself with the love I so badly want from others.
I went to the temple today. I thought about this stuff the whole time I was in there. I think it's important for me to admit I have trouble with lust. I think it's one of my character weaknesses. I think it's the worst offender because I think my mind ties lust with importance. And I think I tie those together because no one lusts after ugly people and I couldn't truly be fat and ugly as long as SOMEONE out there was willing to need me.
The problem with my online time is that I knew no one really wanted me or would be willing to be with me. I knew this because no one wanted me in high school, Jr. High, or even elementary when others started going out.
I think online whoring started because:
1. Jared and I broke up
2. Dave went with Jess and not me
3. Jess ripped my heart out
4. My parents not letting me come home after my room-mate moved out.
I think #4 triggered it because my parents were my last hope of anyone caring about me and low and behold, they didn't. And if slowly, one by one, year by year, everyone who was supposed to love and want me stopped... well, why should I care about me if no one else does?? I think going online was a cry for help. Looking for anyone to love me, the perv's surfaced, and I clung to it because they at least showed interest... until I was me and no some hot, slutty whore. I'm still amazed at the speed people throw other people away.
So my cry for help was met with more rejection. Aching to matter somewhere, I met with one of them. He was from Rexburg... He reminded me of my religion and the promises I'd made myself as a kid. I'd managed to hold onto the bulk of them, but the more I talked to him, the more I remembered... the more I couldn't do what I'd planned to do.
Funny enough, I think it was school that saved me the most. It gave me a sense of worth and some confidence that I hadn't had in a REALLY long time.
I just realized I didn't put my parents abandoning me in my apartment on my resentment list. Guess I better do it now... that really affected me for a LOT of years. In fact, I think part of me is hanging on to it.
In the temple, I prayed so hard to think of the things I need to think of in order to save myself - with Heaven's help. :) I'm missing something, but I don't know what. In the temple, I got the feeling that I need to figure out my weaknesses and that made me think of that one paragraph in my patriarchal blessing. It says to learn all about the word of wisdom. It also says to learn how to control my body, my passions, my appetites.
Could "appetites" be my character weaknesses? Yes. I think my passions have already been discussed at length. :) Tomorrow I'll download talks about the word of wisdom... see where it takes me. I still feel like I'm missing something, but now I feel like I have the flashlight to help me look through the dark."
I'm going to stop for a minute to tell you this next entry is it. This next one is the one that I let go. This next one is the one that changed me. Because of this entry, I'm free... I'm free.
"January 24th, 2015
Heavenly Father, why do I have to have all this crap constantly rubbed in my face? I know no one loves me, I know I don't matter. I don't need to be constantly reminded. The thing I don't understand and what I'm trying to figure out is why... WHY don't I matter??? How do I start mattering? Can I matter to me? To You? To SOMEONE?!?
Heavenly Father, Can I please just learn whatever I need to learn so I can be past this part of my life already? We've already had this talk, but maybe I'm mad at You again and I need to get it out. Why don't I deserve this stuff? Why do I get to suffer with this? What am I supposed to learn? I feel like I'm learning that I'm someone that should just be alone. Why suffer WITH someone, when I can suffer the same alone, MINUS the hurt from someone else?
I guess the point is to realize that relationships are pain. It's impossible to have one without hurt. It's not the one's that leave that matter, it's the one's that stay. To them, I AM worth it... and I matter.
(This next one is the paragraph that changed me... you can't tell, but this is where I let go of that something I couldn't figure out... it was my dad... and this moment, 6:24 PM is when it left me...)
I need a revelation. Like the one I got that night in group about dad and his regrets that I don't know about and the things he thinks and prays about. By the way, I no longer feel like he controls everything. I think that's finally gone. :)
What do I really want from people to feel loved/important? I'm talking list data. In my ideal world, what would I have? For instance... Jon:
1. He'd flirt with me
2. He'd put his phone down
3. He'd do everything he could to care for me/us financially and provide safety and security.
And there it is... "security." I constantly feel that I am in limb. I recently "secured" myself with my parents, but I am 100% insecure in all things regarding Jon. I feel insecure financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, as a couple, and as myself. I feel like I'm in a race-car with no driver, no brakes, no steering wheel, going at 100 mph.
I need to reflect on this..."
Guys, that's where I changed. Within a week I lost 10 pounds. By April I was down 20 total, July I was down 40 total... and today... well, today I've lost 64 pounds. On January 24th I was 300 pounds. Today, I am 236. I am six pounds short of being down 100 from my highest of 330.
This 12 step program is hard... so hard. But it's worth it. I'm going to stop here for tonight, but I promise to keep going and update you to the present. I still have to tell you about my "Plan of Abstinence" and all the other stuff I've been through! :)
I started out in a deep, dark, scary hole. Heavenly Father reached in and pulled me out. I dance with abandon, not caring who sees. I mentor (facilitate) in our group meetings. I am a freaking sponsor! I have truly undone codependency... and a pretty gnarly food addiction. Yes, I'm a food addict. But I am recovering. I am in awe of the power that has touched my life.
B
